Or maybe… I will cave like I usually do and get you the link….

 

 

Remember – The Festivus Pole, the Airing of the Grievances, and Feats of Strength. (Hint: these will come back later!)

 

Hold the Sausage, our grand mistress, posted the slew of bars for the week. I got my drinking liver on. I was going to need it.

 

 

I walked in and many of the mob had already gathered to join the festivities. They were mainly on time for once. It’s funny, without the threat of the short straw and with the threat of a lot of beer, people show up on time.

 

The early crowd consisted of:

S&M Man, Fire Down Under, Lick Hymen, Soft Core Anal-ist, Snap Off, Snap Off’s brother, Up Her Ali, Attila the Hung, Rear Engineer, Mayor Quimby, She Man, Deep Flute, Just Arshna, Cherry Poppins, Cause for Blindness, Bastard Child, Yack in the Box, Jingle Balzzz, Just Dev, Snip and Tuck, My SnuffupyourMuffDude, Snip and Tuck, Hold the Sausage, Cunting Season, The Rash, Well Hung Jury, Sloppy Ho, Just Jen, Just , Just Joel  and a lot of people who I didn’t know. I think the “Justs” were more numerous than the named hashers.

 

Paddy’s is SO small. I got shoved by some old cranky guy about four times trying to write down the hash names. I guess the bar folks were onto the Feats of Strength. To get from the back to the front, the best way is to go outside using the back door and walk in the front door. So much for the fastest way is a straight line theory.  

 

I spoke to some Comes Latelys I hadn’t seen in a while. Deep Flute and She Man got all knocked up in the last few months. They even have the photographic evidence. It’s a hash baby made by two hashers on purpose, not by accident!

 

Holy F*ck and Just Arshna tormented me with their warm puffy coats. I so want one. I can’t deal with this cold stuff anymore. I know I am Buffalo, I am just weak.

 

The mob got the on call and headed out.

 

I was handed the hash Festivus hymnal sheets by The Rash and began to pass them out. That Rash can skirt responsibility better than Sub Human’s Philly Hash mismanagement.

 

We basically walked across the street to Florist Street, which is under the Ben Franklin Bridge. Florist is a sweet name but actually is an evil, cursed street. My car got broken into (nothing was taken) and my ex-boyfriend sprained his ankle walking to his car (it gave him something to bitch about). I was worried that on this night someone else would succumb to the cursed nature of this street.

 

2^nd Stop - Beer Check!

Scene: Florist St. Mayor Quimby’s car under the Ben Franklin Bridge

 

The pack huddled around two cases of beer. Considering it was below freezing, this was the warmest beer I have ever drunk at a beer check. Wait…no…the Solsta$$ also had some warm ass check beer.

 

We then began our joyous Festivus carols…Jingle Balzzz started us off with, you know, Jingle Balls. Here is the tune:

 

Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to run around naked in this way,
Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to run round naked Christmas day.

Dashing round the block, not wearing any dacks,
One hand on your cock, to give your balls more slack,
Bouncing up and down as we run to and fro,
We’ll jingle with our genitals wherever we may go.
(Repeat first verse running in place with hands on crotches)

 

I really liked this one as well…

 

Melody - Winter Wonderland

Lacy things, the wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask for her permission,
I’m wearin her clothes_silk panty hose,
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.

In the store, there’s a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.

In the office there’s a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown,
He’ll say are you ready, I’ll say whoa man,
Let’s wait until the wife is out of town.

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna,
Put on some eye shade and join the parade
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.

Lacy things the wife is missin’,
Didn’t ask for her permission,
I’m wearin her clothes_silk panty hose,
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear.
Walkin’ round in womens’ underwear

 

For the most part, the mob was between bad singing and laughing. Sloppy was giddy as I have ever seen her as she sang her carols!

 

Mayor Quimby was trying to get rid of the two 30 packs of beer. The best way I know how to get rid of beer quickly is to have people shotgun. So, a brave group of male hashers with their manhood threatened, shotgunned. At some point during this, Snap Off’s purse was drenched by an errant beer.

 

It was already starting to get messy.

 

Scooby thought Market Street was North. (Just like a hasher to go the wrong direction)

 

We discussed Philly’s Bonnie and Clyde. I mean, couldn’t they have thrown the hash some parties? I would have been totally cool with their stealing in that case. Plus, why didn’t my dad get me fake boobs for a present. Damn it! Oh, BTW – watch your sh*t. These two are a role model for us all. Jingle Balzz and I are going to dedicate ourselves to a life of crime while taking bad, cheesy, and decadent pictures that will be forever posted on philly.com.

 

http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/12240646.html

 

The pack dreamed up the name “Potty Queen” as a hash name on the way to Sugar Mom’s. I retorted it would be funnier if the name was “R Kelly’s Potty Queen”. This for his infamous pissing on chics habit. Chapelle does a really funny video parody of this, check it…

 

 

Ahh, the mom’s we can still go to. The mob piled in a was treated to a slew of PBR pounders. More brave souls met us at this bar. Little Red Riding Wood, Heave Ho, Fruit of the Clue, Skin Fiddle, Just Brian Duffy, Popeye’s Bitch, Bumble Beaver, Bumble Beaver’s friend and the Albanian!! (and everyone else who trickled in)

 

At some point, Strap On and E waltzed in fashionably late with the Festivus Pole! Now the trifecta of Festivus was complete.

 

Holy F*ck took a night off from trash and took a turn as the photo mistress. I don’t know about you, but I was in some damn embarrassing pictures. I remember humping and licking the Festivus pole. The pole is a slut. It got more action than Wilt Chamberlain or Scooby.

 

Somewhere in here Rear Engineer took her camera and took a picture of his balls. Later, we were discussing men in stalls laughing at themselves. What do the people in the other stalls think?

 

Scene: The alley next to Lucy’s.

There was some schnapps goodness in tiny cups. I am pretty sure She Man and someone else drank most of these. This made me worry that he might fall asleep standing up in the alley.

 

I did an impromptu poll if people were pukers or pass-outers. Surprisingly, with my small sample size, there were a lot of pukers in the bunch. That could explain the smell outside the bars when I leave the hash. There were also a lot of booters and ralliers. This might come in handy with the way this bar crawl was going.

 

Strap On and others molested the Festivus pole. It’s getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes!

 

Check out the lyrics by 50 cent. I triple dog dare you to make this into a Festivus song!

Hot in…..
So hot in heerre…..
So hot in…..

Oh
(Quiet background voice)
Wan’ a lil bit of uh uh and a lil bit of.
(Wan’ a lil bit of uh uh just a lil bit of.
Wan’ a lil bit of uh uh just a lil bit of.)

(Nelly)
(Uh) I was like, good gracious ass is bodacious
Oh, flirtacious, tryin to show patience
I’m waitin’ for the right time to shoot my steez (you know)
Waitin’ for the right time to flash them keys
Then um I’m leavin, please believin (oh)
Me and the rest of my heathens
Check it, got it locked at the top of the four seasons
Penthouse, roof top, birds I feedin
No deceivin, nothin up my sleeve and, no teasin
I need you to get up up on the dance floor
Give that man what he askin for (oh)
Cuz I feel like bustin loose and I feel like touchin you (uh uh)
And can’t nobody stop the juice so baby tell me whats the use

(Hook 2x)
(I said)
Its gettin hot in here (so hot)
So take off all your clothes (eh)

(Background voice: uh uh uh uh uh)

I am gettin to hot, I wanna take my clothes off
(repeat)

(Nelly)
Why you at the bar if you ain’t poppin the bottles (come on)
What good is all the fame if you aint fuckin the models
I see you drivin, sportscar, aint hittin the throttle
And I be down, and do a hundred, top down and goggles
Get off the freeway, exit 106 and parked it
Ash tray, flip gate, time to spark it
Gucci collar for dollar, got out and walked it
I spit game cuz baby I cant talk it
Warm, sweatin its hot up in this joint
VOKAL tanktop, on at this point
Your with a winner so baby you cant lose
I got secrets cant leave Cancun
So take it off like you’re home alone
You know dance in front your mirror while your on the phone
Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend,
like "girl I think my butt gett’n’ big" (oh)

(Repeat Hook 2x)

(Let it hang all out)
Mix a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
Give a little bit a ah, ah
With a little bit a ah, ah
(Let it hang all out)
With a little bit a ah, ah
And a sprinkle a that ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah

(Nelly)
Stop pacin, time wastin
I gotta friend with a pole in the basement (What?)
I’m just kiddin like Jason (Oh)
Unless you gon’ do it
Extra, extra eh, spread the news (check it)
Nelly took a trip from the Lune to Neptunes
Came back with somethin thicker than fittin in sasoons
Say she got a thing about cuttin in restrooms

(Hook 4x)

(Let it hang all out)
Mix a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
Give a little bit of ah, ah
With a little bit of ah, ah
(Let it hang all out)
With a little bit of ah, ah
And a sprinkle of that ah, ah
(Let it just fall out)
I like it when ya ah, ah
Girl, Baby make it ah, ah
Oh

For some reason, the pack was still relatively mellow. I think they were saving up the angst for Drinkers. We had $2 bud lights, molested the festivus pole, watched the Redskins…win?, and chatted for a spell. After the massive beers, we headed on out to Drinkers.

 

 

Now, for most of us, we have had at least five alcohol units by now. Sh*t was about to go down.

 

As I arrived, the mob was already in the downstairs room. About 50 down down beers awaited us for the airing of the grievances. It was the Champagne of Beers, of course.

 

 

Hares – The Gynocracy! and Soft Core Analyst – the eternal hare. (watch out Two Clump, Soft Core is up your ass in number of trails laid)

 

Visitors– Death Wish, Yeast of Burden – who are really not visitors anymore. I mean, they cum a lot.

Death Wish showed his ass. I really wanted to noption. (normally reserved for Cause for Blindness)

Yeast of Burden showed her tits.

Snip and Tuck from Liberty Bell, the extinct hash.

 

Virgins –

Just Kelly – Attila the Hung made her cum

Just Jen – Attila the Hung made her cum too (yes, another hot Jen in the hash, it is going to get even more confusing now)

Just Jody – Just Arshna made her cum

 

Comes Lately – Bastard Child, Dry Hump, Cunting Season, Just Albanian, The Rash, Bumble Beaver, She Man (drinking for two)

 

Grievances:

 

NNFA grieved Mrsnuffupyourmuff for having condoms in appropriate places like his pocket.

 

Fruit of the Clue grieved Sloppy for having people e-mail grievances

 

Well Hung Jury accused the hash of secretly liking Don’t Stop Believing and Since You’ve Been Gone. It was overwhelmingly declared a false accusation

 

Cause was banned from grievances, but she tried. She was banned for the option as well.

 

Yeast of Burden and Deathwish for not being visitors. (they just like to give the noption)

 

Deathwish for something at a beer check but we moved on…

 

Hold the Sausage grieved Virgin Pimp for encouraging Cause to give the option

 

S&M Man grieved the hash bimbos for being hot and not giving the option

 

FOTC grieved Sloppy of using a cheat sheet as RA

 

The Rash grieved FOTC for touching women

 

Jingle Ballzzz had two grievances:

-         Popeye’s Bitch was virping at the Chug and Run (and you call yourself a drinker)

-         Bumble Beaver for being banned from planned parenthood

 

Mr Snuff grieved Sloppy for airing out her crotch in circle

 

Rash grieved Scooby for something I couldn’t read

 

Up Her Ali and Holy F*ck were grieved of violating the pole.

 

The On-secs were grieved for taking a damn long time to write trash each week

 

Holy F*ck grieved She Man for knocking up his wife

 

S&M Man for calling Holy F*ck Anal Pro Boner

 

Note: Strap On started a game of tit your it

 

Get Ready bitches – Festivus is only the beginning of December’s drinking and debauchery!

 

The Gynocracy is bringing you two more amazing December events. Be there or be a boring retard!

 

12/13 BFMH3 #199 – BFM 200th, observed – starting from the New Deck Tavern in West Philly If you haven’t paid your 200^th registration yet, bring it to the New Deck. We will be collecting at the door. It will be awesome. Cum and bring friends!

 

12/20 BFMH3 #200, part 2 – Festival of Lights run – starting somewhere in South Philly This was named the best run last year. Don’t miss it!

Scooby for Cousin It – Phillies Game in August

 

Bumble Beaver – Philly Roller Girls Snow Brawl on Sunday Night – Be there!

 

Snap Off is singing in Manayunk from 2-4 on Saturday.

 

Up Her Ali – Haring the Philly Hash with Tastes Like Chicken in the ‘burbs this Saturday at 3pm. There will be shiggy and beer. What else do you people need?

 

Lehigh Valley 69^th hash – Dec 15^th I think.

 

Cause is still single

Holy Fuck had one more down down…for the new officers (suckers) of the Philly Hash

and when one GM drinks, and when on onsec drinks, and when one officer drinks… Anyone in mismanagement was drinking at this point. They call it mismanagement for a reason!

 

Birthday side sides:

The Rash – thanks to the tip from her man, Anal Fisson

 

We were talking about the gynocracy and we realized that with the PH3 Year of Strap On, all of the Philly hashes are gynos! Take that man bitches!

 

Philly Hash – Strap On

BFM – Hold the Sausage

Full Moon – The Rash and Cunting Season

Hockessin – STD

 

We tried to take a group gyno-GM picture, but it wasn’t happening. But then the gyno-GMs started to fight. Not in mud, it was much, much hotter than that. They started full contact thumb wrestling!

 

Round #1 – Strap On vs. Rash – Rash ended up on the floor. Strap On plays dirty. I think I saw this ninja on ultimate fighting challenge

Round #2 – Strap On vs. Cunting Season – It was a draw, but it was a lengthy struggle…

 

Other feats:

 

I heard from the rumor mill that Little Red Riding Wood had her own feat of strength. For a nominal reward, she had to stare at Cause’s boobs for a period of time.

 

Rear Engineer danced Ukrainian

 

Sloppy Ho had No Shots written on her hand.

 

At time point the notes were impossible to read. Someone wrote – I LOVE BEER!

 

We all know how I feel about this place. This is the best drunk pizza available! Lorenzos has it in quantity, but Soho has it in quality. Try the tomato pie, it is amazing.  

 

If it’s possible to fall asleep walking up the stairs, I so did that.

 

I am sensing a Friday morning trend here. My new hard ass b*tch boss is making me work in the office on Fridays now. I am going to be one unhappy camper in January.

Overall, a tremendous amount of fun! Truly sh*tty trail, sh*tty beer, sh*tty on-in, sh*tty hashers.

 

See you all next week as the BFM grows up again and turns almost 4! And you all are invited to our birthday party! The BFM needs a birthday side side!

 

“It’s all about the package” – Fruit of the Clue talking about my package

“At least they were cleanly shaven…” Rear Engineer in reference to the picture he took of his balls  

 

“I’m not a virgin, oh, you mean a hasher virgin…” Sloppy Ho

On, on, YFF

Filed Under Trash |

Leave a Comment

If you would like to make a comment, please fill out the form below.

2 Comments so far

1. 吃我 December 10, 2007 12:25 am

   - the trash refers to ‘man bitches’ - i think the correct punctuation is ‘man-bitches’ (as the english language evolves someday it will occur as ‘manbitches’, but for now, the hyphen is needed.
   - for perhaps the first time, the word ‘grieve’ is used as a transitive verb, which requires a subject and an object; eg, ‘Mr. Snuff grieved Sloppy’, where ‘Mr. Snuff’ is the subject and ‘Sloppy’ is the object, which is appropriate inasmuch as Sloppy is a woman.
   - also a novelty is the term, ‘check beer,’ which some might confuse with the term, ‘Czech Beer’; Czech Beer has existed at least since the 12th century (A.D.); cities in the Czech Republic that are famous for beer production include Pilsen and Budweis; Czech beer producers are proud of their heritage and anyone who confuses Czech Beer with Check Beer, while in the Czech Republic, will likely be hung, drawn, quartered, and then each quarter would be forced to down down a quart of PBR, and then listen to a medley of Winkie Christmas favorites.

2. katierlaw December 10, 2007 10:32 am

   It was Nelly, not 50 cent. I am an idiot. Thanks to Horse Whacker for pointing that out. See you man-bitches on Thursday.