It’s the 204^th BFM Hash a/k/a the Albanian Appreciation hash.  What to wear, what to wear…. Is this a“theme” hash?  I can picture us all playing Albanian games and everyone has to bring a favorite Albanian dish.    I guess we will just have to settle for the usual PBR and Karaoke theme. 

 

The snow had turned to sleet had turned to freezing rain had turned to rain. It felt like it was going to start going back the other way as the temperature was dropping.  The sidewalks were ice and mush… should be fun.   

 

 

Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Sloppy Ho, Horse Whacker, Justs John and Mike, Another Just Mike, E=MyCockSquared, Strap On, Rear Engineer, Anal ProBoner, The Rash, The Albanian, Lick Hymen, Mr Snuffleupamuff, S&M Man, Up Her Ali, Fiber Opdick, Can You Hear Me Now, Mother Bates, Well Hung Jury, Cause For Blindness, Sour Snatch My Rubber Back, Just Kansas Dan, 2 Clump Chump, Virgin Pimp, Scooby Snatch, Just Sylvie, Fruit of the Clue, Cunting Season, Jingle Ballzzz, Skin Fiddle, She Man, Popeye’s Bitch, Just Archana.

 

Whether it was their mood or the drugs they took earlier, the hash could only be described as "sedate".    One by one, hashers came in and sat down around a long table in the middle of room at Bonners….no music, no loud idle chatter … just us pretty much sitting around a table looking at each other and/or the walls.  In the background, I could hear faint bells from Vanna turning over the letters on Wheel of Fortune playing on 2 TV’s.  The smell of smoke wafted over from the three regulars at bar (also very sedate).  The fact they still allow smoking here is the one and only downside of this place. 

The Rash walked in and noticed the somber scene. “Did somebody die?”  Rear Engineer who had bought a pitcher for himself, refused to join our table, remaining at the side table next to us. “Quiet. I know… it’s eerily creepy,  he replied.    

I couldn’t put my finger on it. Post holiday blahs? S.A.D.?  S.A.R.S.? The Albanian being deported? “Snow makes people crazy,” offered Rear Engineer.  HF: “That’s your theory?”  Rear: “Oh yeah. And this in turn makes me crazy!”

 

Someone mentioned the upcoming BFM elections.  I told 2 Clump Chump he should run for On Sec. “Me?” he asked.  “Yeah! You’re literate!” Mr. Snuffaluffamuff agreed.   “I can read. I have words.” Clump replied.

 

We all then went back to staring at each other in silence for a while. E= MyCockSquared and Strap On were the next to come in. E eyed up our table suspiciously and looked around the room for an explanation. “Wow I feel like an outsider. Like I just walked into the middle of something,” he said to no one in particular.

 

Someone started talking about taking a hash road trip to see Punxatawney Phil in February and scare him back into his hole so only 6 more weeks of winter.   I suggested that a BB gun would be more useful. Tonights drive home in this shit sucked!  For the record, I was kidding. I don’t even use real mouse traps. 

 

Two eyes and a hood came walking in from the winter cold, which we discovered was Sloppy Ho. “What’s this? The Last Supper?”    It did look that way… well, without the supper.   I think from where we were seated, 2 Clump would have been Jesus.

 

The Albanian’s arrival was met with all the subdued enthusiasm the Mob could muster: “Yay….”  they muttered in unison.

 

ALBANIAN FUN FACT #2: For nearly 400 years Albania was part of the Ottoman Empire.

 

2 Clump, trying to get a conversation going, noticed that Hold The Sausage had a big bag sitting on the table in front of her.  “What’s that?” he asked.  “Flour.” HTS stated the obvious.   At this point, he got up and grabbed the bag from her. I thought at first he might be volunteering to hare, but he was really just going for another witty quip in the trash:   “There. I’ve always wanted to de-flour you,”  he said to her, looking at me to make sure I was writing it down.  I did.

 

People started talking about the 700 Club Hash next week for the Philly Full Moon.

Cause: “I don’t have any club clothes”

HF: “Not from your days at Studio 54??”

Cause: “No, I went to the China Room.”

2 Clump: “I’ve been to the China Room too… full service package.”   Another gem.

 

After an eternity of sitting in silence, it was finally time to draw straws. HTS broke the straw in front of us which made it real easy to know which one not to pick. For one, she used multi-colored straws. And we saw her break a red one. One person who obviously didn’t pay any attention was Can You Hear Me Now? After he picked the short red straw, Sloppy Ho volunteered to go with him.

 

The chalk talk was run by E=MyCockSquared.   He asked if everyone knew what they were doing and if we had any new people. We had one visitor and one virgin.   “Hi I’m E,”  he introduced himself.   I laughed cuz that sounded so funny. The S&M Man imitated "E", pretending to hug the new hashers: “Hi, I’m Ecstacy… I looove you.”

 

Shitty. Here are the highlights:

 

1.  Our virgin, Just Archana, quickly learned the BFM skill of “check hanging”

2.  There was a Yuengling beer check at Sloppy Ho’s. We drank outside on her stoop cause she didn’t want to let us in.

3.  2 Clump told us that one of his students tried to convince him that 9.5 plus 9.5 = 20. Someone asked him who the hell his teacher was. We all feel good knowing he is responsible for our future generation.

4. Cause for Blindness and our visitor, Sour Snatch My Rubber Back, came walking up just as we were finishing our beer. Sloppy had put the rest of the stash away so people just passed them whatever was left in their cans to drink. Sour Snatch made a sarcastic statement about not wanting the Mob’s germs.   I don’t think she was completely kidding when she said, “Well, there is that new ass staff going around."  She tried to laugh it off and not think about all the germs she was about to consume.   Her statement put a nasty picture in my head that had nothing whatsoever to do with germs. 

5.  The conversation carried on about SARS, STDs and other medical ailments.

6.  After being told that there was no trail laid for the way back because the hares lost flour, the pack split up trying to find the shortest distance between 2 points.

7. On the way back, The S&M man and I covered additional medical topics including frontal Lobotomies, anesthesia, Tourettes syndrome, and wire hangers shoved in asses. Kind of like an ass staff.

 

Back at Bonners, Sloppy was pouring beer in preparation for Circle. “OK. Are we ready to do this?!” She asked me and HTS.   “I was born ready.”   Sloppy called the circle to order with a toast to the 204^th  Hash … “To pitchers of PBR and karaoke…what more could you ask for?” The crowd drank to that … the temporary silence was interrupted by Muff belching loudly.

 

Hares: CYHMN and Sloppy Ho.   CYHMN apparently “biffed” on the ice the first half of the trail, when he tripped over a curb and landed spread eagle on the sidewalk, spilling most of the flour. He has been whining about his spill, his boo-boo’s, and the hash’s “complete lack of sympathy” since then. 

 

Justs John and Mike… attached at the pelvis.

Cause for Blindness. 

 

Cause and Mother Bates

Visitors: 

Sour Snatch my Rubber Back (also known as Rash’s evil Doppelganger) from Charlottesville Hash. 

 

Before the visitor could be told the “option” CYHMN jumped in and made an announcement: “We have a tradition here at the BFM, that all visitors must show a body part.” At this, the men started chanting “Show your tits!”    SSMRB replied,   “Since I’m hearing “tits”, I will sing you a song about tits.”  S&M man did a duet with her seeming to be the only other person that knew it. Or maybe he was really good at mouthing “watermelon” to the lyrics.   If you have no clue, I don’t have time to explain it.   Much later after many pitchers SSMRB did show her tits.

 

Just Archana … Just Brian made her cum.   CYHMN: “We have a tradition here …”

 

 

-Jingle Ballzzz “for the f*cking sh*t you’re wearing” His T-Shirt went something like this: Front: Discovery happens. Back:  …in a laboratory.

-2 Clump Chump drank for eating food in the circle.

-The Rash drank for sneaking in with the autohashers… And when one GM drinks…HTS and CS drink.

 

-The hares drank for not laying the second half of the trail. Let us recall, that’s because CYHMN bit it and lost all the flour. Don’t show him any sympathy – he could have avoided the fateful red straw had he had been paying attention.

Sloppy: “Are there any more violations??

CYHMN:   “Yeah! I violate myself.” With that, he snatched a beer from the stash and chugged. For the hell of it. 

 

-Mother Bates accused The Rash of keeping her “twin sister” a secret.

 

-Just Kansas Dan for avoiding circle altogether.

 

SSMRB: “Ya’ll are invited to the Lynchburg Red Dress Run on the 9^th”  

Jan 25 – The Rash announced the Philly Full Moon “Club Hash” next Friday at 700 Club… “There will be dancing”

APB – “We’re going roller skating tomorrow!”
Feb 15 – The S&M man will be hosting the Vday Full Moon hash with “amazing beer” at the Pour House.

Feb 17 – Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot Hash … 6 checks guaranteed!

Jingle Ballzzz announced his hash this past Saturday

 

Sloppy called The Albanian to the circle and announced he was being deported for several weeks, therefore he must have a name. Someone yelled “Cause, do it for the hash! Cause is single!”  trying to find a way for us to keep him.

 

Lots of Albanian stories were told : Like how he met up with CYHMN and Sloppy on a little girls’ pink and purple Huffy bike to ride to a hash in Manayunk, knees up to chin as he peddled away. “It was my uncle’s bike”claimed the Albanian. … Pink and Puffy rides the Huffy was suggested.

 

Lick Hymen told a story about how he and the Albanian were at a diner and “things were a bit fuzzy” cause they were both drunk… We all assumed where this story was heading… LH said something about Marcel being on a “one man mission” but never said for what or whom and then he mentioned he got sick.  The Mob fittingly came up with Reese’s Piece or Reese’s Piece of Ass.

Mr. Snuffleupamuff recounted a conversation between Soft Core Analyst and the Albanian that went something like this:

SCA: “So, I hear you were a doctor…”

Albanian: “No, I was an economist. I’m not a doctor. Im an Albanian!”

To this day apparently SCA thinks he’s a doctor. . . Someone said Dr Labia Albania.

 

The Mob voted Pink and Puffy Rides The Huffy by a landslide.   But I’m still curious what really happened in story #2.

 

Most hashers moved into the other room to begin filling out their karaoke requests.

The Albanian made a beeline over to me to read my notes because he had NO CLUE what we had just named him. When an Albanian smiles, he is pleased.

 

Lick Hymen sat at a table chatting with Just Kansas Dan. I noticed LH’s shirt buttons had gone down another notch as they tend to do toward the end of the evening. And the extra-hold product in his hair tonight gave him a curious gravity-defying height when he casually ran his fingers through his mane. Kinda like Cameron Diaz in Something About Mary.

 

Autohashers who avoided the circle: Popeye’s Bitch (looking like a nappy-headed ho after sleeping since 5pm), Scooby Snatch, Virgin Pimp, and papa She Man.  

Popeye and Fiber were at it again. “It’s a man touch” 2 Clump Chump said, as Fiber caressed Popeye’s shoulder and then proceeded to lick his ear.   Popeye just looked away and blushed like a school girl with a crush. 

 

Horse Whacker proudly bragged that “Chunk” came in 2^nd at the Jumper show.

 

Just Sylvie and FOTC were canoodling (fondling and mackin’) over a pitcher of beer

 

A sampling of karaoke songs cuz I wasn’t paying attention to write them all down:

 

“Leavin on A Jet Plane” – dedicated to the Ablanian (Cause and Jingle)

Barry Manilow’s “Mandy” ( Sloppy Ho)

 “Big Balls” ( Rear Engineer )

“I Need a Hero” (Cunting Season)

“Walking After Midnite” (The Rash)

 

 Overheard:   “You’re going down on that like a dick!” Just John to 2 Clump Chump