[unnecessary space]

 

paragraphs. The extra hour I spent after posting each trash trying to get it back to its original state was a fun little game we played and I will miss that.  And not sure why it only offers me the choice of 2 dumb emoticons:

  and    

That’s it.  I’m either feeling gay or angry.   What the hell is that thing on top of the yellow one’s head anyway?  All of you new On Secs will soon know my pain.

So who better than to spend Valentines Day with than several of your favorite hashers? 

 

I got lost in South Philly on the way to Triangle Tavern – thanks to the patient bartender who guided me halfway back across the city when I turned the wrong direction off of “Pass-yunk.”   I caught the Mob running off in the distance and threw my stuff to Up Her Ali as I took off to catch them. Luckily the pack was a bit slow tonight. 

 

I ran up behind Virgin Pimp as he yelled out something that sounded like “I’m Cold!” to the pack ahead. What a pussy, I thought. But he told me he was actually saying “On Called!” which is a British hash call when the pack finds marks and someone has yelled on-on.  I do not know why I didn’t violate him for this later.   We passed a guy in a wheelchair rolling down the middle of the street looking like he was racing us. I swear I heard him yell, “Yo. On One!” as I went by, which is the street hash call when the pack finds marks or drugs. But he was very incoherent so it was probably more like “Yahownonwan.”

 

After a long first leg, we had a beer check at Little Red’s.who conveniently lives right next door to The POPE!   Not the man, the bar.   We sat in her cute little kitchen as hashers began inspecting her Ovaltine and squash.   “That’s a penis – only smaller!” Scooby said. Yeah.

 

Circle began with a toast to the Gynocracy … brought to you by Hold the Sausage, Sloppy Ho, Up Her Ali, Europeen’ On Me, and Holy Fuck. You laughed, you cried, you bitched and moaned, but mainly you got drunk on cheap beer. And you liked it. 

Sloppy Ho for always carrying condoms for protection

Lick Hymen for inspecting a regular condom and remarking “That’s an awfully big condom!”

 

Anal Pro Boner for tech on trail

 

Rear Engineer for bragging about his 6-minute mile

 

 

Before closing circle, Sloppy told the crowd if they wished to sing the praises of the Gynocracy now was the time…

 

“Moving on …” – Skin Fiddle

“I love pussy!” – Scooby

“Did you say sing?” – Cause

 

 

 

The Gynocracy presented awards to those hashers who throughout the year have distinguished themselves from the rest of group by exhibiting model hash behavior. You make us proud.

 

The Plastic Pud Memorial “Shitastic Trail Award” — Some honorable mentions were Virgin Pimp’s and Where’s My Vagina’s trail in Fairmount for the Skin Fiddle Labor Day Party Hash. It was WMV’s first night running with the hash in Philly. VP lost her in 5 minutes. The trail eventually disappeared so the Mob gave up and found a random beer check to drink at so Skin Fiddle would more have time alone to cook his wings. Next there was S&M Man’s infamous Manayunk Trail — No one had ID for the beer check and the trail went straight through the middle of hockey game pissing off the players. But nothing takes the cake more than fake beer checks with O’Douls, searching for a mythical “house where the little man lives”, and the hare having to coax the pack a half mile back to an alleged beer check on pitch black train tracks.  That should have been so easy to find. Yes, the award went to Jingle Ballzzz and Anal ProBoner. You make Pud proud.

The “PBR Award” for biggest beer whiner. – There was fierce competition in this category throughout the year. Of note, beer snob Little Red Riding Wood who would much prefer we drink Pilsner Urquell, and Popeye’s Bitch who dreams of Magic Hat #9 down downs, and Fruit of the Clue who would probably be happier with a nice jug wine. But consistency is key, and for his ritual complaining week after week, Skin Fiddle emerged as the winner in this category. It appears his refusal to pay hash cash in favor of buying his own Miller Hi Life is more of a grudge against PBR than good taste in beer though.

The “Philadelphia Parking Authority Award” – This award goes to the hasher with the most parking violations during a single hash. I thought my luck was bad with 2 tickets in one night, but Piss Cycle managed to snag 4. And no one can beat Cousin IT’s getting the boot for all of his unpaid violations.  Incidentally, has everyone watched an episode yet of "Parking Wars" on A&E?   Theres a reason Philly has it’s on f-ing reality show on the subject!  See a meter maid boast that she loooves 4pm when all the meters expire so she can start ticketing. And the boot crew will show you how they easily get in and out in a few brief minutes before you have time to come out and maul them.  

The “Brokeback Mountain Award” for cutest hash couple – Sloppy Ass Kisser and Spongebath, No Pants were cute for sure. And Lick Hymen and Pink and Puffy had that one “fuzzy” night together. But this award really couldn’t go to any other couple than Popeye’s Bitch and Fiber Opdick. The stolen glances, the flirty touches…you thought we wouldn’t notice? Too bad only Popeye was there to pick up the award because I’m sure it would have been a celebration. And he appropriately had worn in his humping unicorns tee shirt with the big rainbow as if he knew he would win.  “Uck,” he said, as he accepted his certificate.

The “Cal Ripken Award”for who hared the most – This was a pretty easy one because most of the Mob is generally lazy. Congratulations to Soft Core Analyst… good effort! Also thanks to CYHMN, Jingle Ballzzz and Sloppy Ho for volunteering a lot, or maybe just being unlucky with straws.

The “Betty Ford Alcoholic Encouragement Award” – This one goes to the great men and women who motivate us to drink to our full potential. Honorable mention went to Nappy Headed Ho who was given the responsibility to “guard the beer stash” by the car for Circle and turned it into an impromptu beer check for everyone, causing the hares to have to go out and buy more. The winner was Well Hung Jury who ensured that each hasher take a minimum of 4 jello shots before they left her shot check. Cheers to you!

The “William Hung American Idol Award” for lousy karaoke –All of you are winners in this category, but it had to go to someone. Can You Hear Me Now took the prize for his tearful rendition of Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello”. 

The “We Lost Our Winkie Award” – We bestow this award on hashers who got really fucking lost on trail. Like Nappy Headed Ho who ran off into the darkness alone by Logan Circle in his bright orange pants, only to turn up a half hour late at the beer check. We didn’t ask questions. Then there was Where’s My Vagina’s first night in Philly haring with Virgin Pimp, which was mentioned before. The winner, of course, was our Albanian, Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy who was 1.  Lost in the Manayunk Hills for over an hour and  2.  Albanian. Therefore we thought we’d never see him again. Three separate search parties finally brought him to the bar.

The “Joan Rivers Red Carpet Award” for best or worst dressed hasher. However you wanna look at it. – This vote was calculated by audience applause. The 3 nominees were Scooby Snatch for his dirty teeshirts, Fruit of the Clue for his retro 80’s running shorts, and Virgin Pimp for “just awful.”   Congrats to FOTC!

The “Britney Spears Award” for bad parenting –   The biggest scam of the year! In case you hadn’t heard yet, Mayor Quimby took Stan to Europe  and somehow misplaced her. He subsequently purchased a “reasonable facsimile” and attempted to pass her off as the real thing by markering her in all the right places and sand papering her … I have no clue why the sand paper. I was fooled too and Im her mother. Quimby claimed she was stolen by the Italian Mafia. 

The “Hashflash Award” – This goes to the person with the most contorted faces in photos. Hands down, it’s Rear.

The “Artist Formerly Known As” Award went to Piss Cycle, formerly Horse Whacker, formerly Rides the Chunk.   More lamings to come… 

Special Recognition Award #1 - Little Red Riding Wood for haring 2 rad hashes – the Prom and the Festival of Lights.   Wooo!

Special Recognition Award #2 - E=MyCockSquared and Strap On for paying our web site fees and keeping it clean of germs and STDs.

 

 

 

And if the evening couldn’t get any more exciting – THE 2008 ELECTION RESULTS were annonced! Raise your glass and throw it at the new Mismanagement:

 

Grand Mistress - Up Her Ali    You weren’t ready yet to let go of the gynocracy completely, were you?

 

Religious Advisors – Rear Engineer and Little Red Riding Wood

On Secs – 2 Clump Chump, Soft Core Analyst, He’s A Lesbian, and Jingle Ballzzz.    The trash now will have an all male voice.

Slopperazzi – Stunt Dick Double, Sloppy Ho, Mr Snuffleupamuff, Holy Fuck, Just Archana.  Wow, with 5 cameras pointed at you, you’d better watch yourself.

The circle was dissolved and the hash headed straight for the chow… 8 pizzas and several hoagies were demolished in minutes. There was also a lovely cake in celebration of the AGM that read: “Happy Birthday BSM!”    Yaaaay BSM!   Whoever orders our next birthday cake may want to clarify “F as in Frank.”   But the BS Mob does have a nice ring to it.  

Since we had no power tools or utensils with which to cut a delicious cake, Europee’n on Me improvised and used the stem of a chocolate rose someone had brought in for Vday. It worked amazingly well. I later saw Popeye’s Bitch eating his cake with chopsticks. Hmm. Since I knew the evening would only get weirder, I decided to pack it in for the night.

 

 

On, on beeotches! 

 

 

“I don’t want to have to keep track of my sex toys at the hash” – Virgin Pimp

“I figured this was going to happen today.” - Popeye’s Bitch in reference to his award.

“We should have a Dictaphone – emphasis on dick” – 2 Clump Chump, on how he wants to record the trash.

 

 

 

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2 Comments so far

1. cyhmnow February 24, 2008 9:50 am

   “On Secs – 2 Clump Chump, Soft Core Analyst, He’s A Lesbian, and Jingle Ballzzz. The trash now will have an all male voice”…more like a gaynocracy.

2. JingleBallzzz February 24, 2008 11:00 am

   CanYou

   You’re just jealous because I turned you down for not being pretty enough. There’s no reason for name-calling; I’m sure that one of these days you’ll find a nice retiree who is willing to overlook your … shortcomings.

   Jingle