BFM #211: Clusterf&%k on Passyunk

Posted on March 10, 2008

Passyunk Ave: (From a Google search):
Origin of name: Spelled in old deeds and records in a variety of ways: Perslajingh, Passayunk, Passyonck, Passajon, Passajungh, Passaming and Paisajungh.

    Passyunk had its roots as an Indian village; Queen Christina later bequeathed the area as a 1,000-acre parcel to Lt. Swen Shute in return for important services rendered to the King of Sweden. The northeastern boundary fell around the parallel of 12th Street. It became a township at a very early period of Western settlement, with Federal Road (later called Federal Street) used as a major thoroughfare.

        The street itself is one of those messed up streets that runs, not North, South, East, or West, but NE through South Philly. When I saw the address to this week’s hash, I figured easy day, all I really have to do is find a parking spot, and I’m home free. I mean, Hell, I used to work there, right? Imagine how relieved I was to park right near 12th and Passyunk, and KNOW I had found a decent one, only a half a block away from the address of….A FURNITURE STORE? WTF???
        So I asked a passerby where Rays Happy Birthday Bar was, got the directions, and cursed my way up to Genos to find the bar and hash already forming. When I first heard the name, Happy Birthday Bar, for some strange reason, I was expecting to find a drunker, darker version of Chuckie Cheese. The Happy Birthday bar is a triangle shaped property that is actually pretty nice, and meets Hasher requirements. (What are they again? Oh yeah, a back room and cheap beer). And the bartender in this South Philly bar has a bonified Southern Accent!
Inside, I found Hold The Sausage bragging about the BFM being mentioned in an article in Philly Style magazine. Apparently, since being voted out of office, Sausage, like Jimmy Carter, wrote her memoirs and is now making huge sums of money on speaking engagements to anyone who will listen. Or at the least any drunk who will buy her a beer as he tries to hit on her.

    The others who showed up:
     The Rash, Heave Ho, Just Matt, Jingle Ballz, Rear Engineer, Anal Pro Boner, Up Her Ali, Just Archna, 3 Balls, Well Hung Jury, Nappy Headed Ho, Stunt Dick Double, Mr Snuffleuphermuff, Virgin Pimp, Soft Core Analyst, Short and Puffy Rides the Huffy, Raidr (Succesfully transplanted), Pisscycle, Little Red Riding Wood, He’s A Lesbian, Fire Down Under, 2 Clump Chump, Just Mike, Cherry Poppins, and our Three Way Virgins, Just Matt, who made his buddies, Just Annie and Just Marcus come. Oh and lets not forget Just Liz, she’s not a virgin, but when I asked her hash name she said, “I haven’t done anything stupid yet.”
    Give it time, honey. Give it time.

THE TRAIL

    What can be said about an Anal Pro Boner laid trail that hasn’t been said before? Our overachiever with the reflective strip on her ass (I’m paid to notice these things) and Nappy Headed Ho volunteered to hare and took off. Immediately Rear Engineer shouted out, “The Time is….” and FIVE MINUTES later started screaming for a chalk talk. He actually looked at his watch! You know, Mussolini made the trains run on time too. Think about it.
    The trail went West down Federal and North on 11th to a FALSE (bastards), then continued West on Federal where the pack ran in all directions looking for a trail but true to Anal’s form, found none.
    The Chinese store on the corner beckoned Rash who said she needed a cigarette (They sell loosies there), I made the mistake of following WHJ and CP South on 13th where they stopped at a corner, WHJ pointed to a restaurant, and the following conversation ensued:
    “OH MY GOD, this restaurant is SOOOOOOO good.”
    “Is it?”
    “Oh yeah, I took my parents there. It’s SOOOOOOOO BYO.”
    Like gag me with a spoon!
    The Valley Girl talk made me want to do something to reinvigorate my manhood, so, chickmagnet that I am, I picked my nose and burped. Then off we ran BACK up 13th, where we rejoined a confused pack, that was standing around and cursing, “This ALWAYS happens in this neighborhood.” Finally there was a shout of “Oh there it is!” (The new version of “On On”), where someone finally found the trail North on 13th, then East on Washington, then North on 12th, cutting through a U-Hall parking lot, back onto Washington then North on 11th, East on Kimball, North on 10th and East again on Carpenter, into an alley and East on Montrose, then North again on Darien.
    I remembered this block because once, in a prior life when I was a cop SGT here, my cops were constantly called to this block to lift an obese 75 year old woman to her portable toilet, leave the building while she did her business, and lift her back in to her bed, because her 95 year old caregiver mother couldn’t do it. It took over two months of constant 911 calls to that address as well as multiple calls to Phila Corp of Aging before the cops stopped being her poop caddies. (Aren’t you glad you made me on-sec?)
    Trying to shake that image out of my head, we ran up Darien where we found a sheepish APB standing next to a Beer Near at 12 Steps Down. Apparently, the hot female bartender there refused to let anyone drink without ID. “Are you kidding?” she said when I went down there to try to use my people skills to persuade her. “Do YOU trust them enough to go to jail? I mean that little red head out there looks 15!” I thought long and hard about how much I trusted them….
    Rear Engineer saved me from making an ethical decision by grabbing the flower and running off. We all immediately screamed “ON HARE!” and we chased him South on 9th to Passyunk where we ran to the Triangle Bar. Inside an ageless woman’s slurred, “Where you guys been?” told us we found the right place. At that point, half the pack gave up and ran back to the Happy Birthday Bar, and the what was left waited for the bartender to get the pitchers our of the attic and clean them so we could swill at the Beer Check. I guess they only used them when we were there, like hey, lets break out the good china, folks. After drinking a round we ran back to HBB, where our auto hashers awaited.

Total distance: 2.56 miles.

CIRCLE:

    HARES: Anal Pro Boner and Nappy Headed Ho.
    FIRST IN/LAST IN: Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy, Rear Engineer,
    VIRGINS: Just Matt, Just Annie, and Just Marcus (Just Matt made himself and the other two come. Such talent.)
    AUTOHASHERS: Mr Snuffleuphermuff, Fisted Sister, Skin Fiddle, Lick Hyman, Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy (How can an auto hasher be first in? Don’t ask me, I’m just the scribe; I report, you decide)
    COMES LATELYS: Fisted Sister, Nappy Headed Ho, Heave Ho, 2 Clump Chump, He’s A Lesbian (as well as Soft Core Analyst and Jingle Ballz, under the “When one Man-sec drinks…” rule.)
    ACCUSATIONS:
    Whining: Mr Snuffleuphermuff and Just Rich
    Hat in the circle: Mr Snuffleuphermuff
    Stunt Dick Double for saying that Anal Pro Boner had a fat ass (But how did he spell it? It MIGHT have been PHAT!)
    Lick Hyman for (according to my fuzzy notes) “Cable Company jerking him like raw meat”???

ABORTED NAMING
    Just Archana was brought smiling and prostesting into the circle to be named, but Up Her Ali, in true Nancy Pelosi fashion decided the suggestions weren’t up to par and assigned us a homework assignment for next week. Here they were anyway:
        Barefoot Cuntessa
        2 Beer Queer (She’s a light weight!)
        Performs on Stage
        Fights with Lesbians (she supposedly got into a fight with two butchies)
        Hamburgler (After Mr Snuff waterboarded her into admitting she once ate meat)
        Furburgler
        Two Cow Chow
        Fights With Dykes (her aforementioned Alycia Lane impression)
        Dickboxer
        Puppet Fucker (a strange former romantic entanglement)

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Rash is selling jewelry (Hash necklaces) and T-shirts, which are actually pretty cool. She basically poured bleach into a design of Ben Franklin and it came out halfway decent. I had my runway moment and showed the crowd mine. Now if only I can master that anorexia thing….

Philly Green Dress Run Weekend: March 13,14,15,&16
March 13th : BFMH3: Bonners. You know where it is.
Part II - Friday, March 14th – Philly Full Moon - Green Street
Pub Crawl
7:30pm (pack off at 8pm) - $5.00 – The Green Room -
20th and Green St.

Part III - Saturday, March 15th – The 7th St. Patrick’s Green
Dress Run - 2pm (3pm hash standard time) - $30
Bob and Barbara’s, 1509 South Street
Green Dress Run, Beer, Food, Prizes, Fun!!
The Run is RAIN OR SHINE!

Part IV - Sunday, March 16th – Sunday Bloody Sunday Hangover
Hash - 11am - Jingle Balzzz Abode - 805 S. 4th St - $5
Oh and Popeye’s Bitch and Lick Hyman snuck in after the circle, We noticed, guys.

SECRET MISMANAGEMENT MEETING

UHA held court since the entire mismanagement was there, and broke out a copy of Roberts Rules of Order. Rash reported that she had opened up an account on the Cayman Islands to handle the sudden influx of money from the Hash Cash skim. UHA briefed us on upcoming special events like the green dress, a potential toga run, as well as a plan to have a run on April 17th commemorating the death of Benjamin Franklin. I noted that we are all going to hell.

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“I just want to put my face up in the window and stare at all the people eating.”-Cherry Poppins

“I just do fish.” - Hold the Sausage

“I need to take my clothes off” -Just Archna (reported to me by a giddy Virgin Pimp)

“ I’m parked right up your ass.” - Fisted Sister

“My life is a hollow lie” - Rash

“You don’t realize how powerful we are. We can make people disappear. Remember Just Dave?” - 2 Clump Chump (during the secret meeting)

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Wanna really have fun? Go to Genos and say, “Yo quiero un wiz con!” They will stare at you…

On On
He’s A Lesbian

Filed Under Trash |

If you would like to make a comment, please fill out the form below.

Ben Franklin Mob Hash House Harriers

Hashing every Thursday in Philadelphia since 2004

BFM #211: Clusterf&%k on Passyunk

Leave a Comment

Search

BFMH3 Information

Drinking in Philly

Local Philly Area Hashes

Other Hashes

Philadelphia

Running in Philly

Site Admin