BFM #213: Pool Balls Deep
Posted on March 24, 2008
One Thursday night, long ago, a dozen or so friends got together for dinner in a major city. By the time a day had passed, two of them were dead and the rest, fugitives. One had called the cops on his buddy, and felt so bad about being a snitch, that he committed suicide. The guy he dimed out had apparently tried to start a riot earlier that week and ended up getting nailed, to a tree no less. All the others made themselves scarce and later decided to start a religion. If that doesn’t sound like this week’s hash, I don’t know what does. Well, maybe without the crucifixion and suicide and all that drama, but you see the parallels, right? Hell we even sing a song about it, “Free beer for all the hashers….” Come-on, sing along.
Having a hash in a billiards hall reminded me of an old joke we used to tell each other overseas: "What do foreigners and cue balls have in common? The harder you hit them the more English you get out of them." But I digress.
I found Buffalo Billiards easy enough and to confirm I was in the right place I immediately encountered Sloppy Ass Kisser and her friend, Sharlene, both of whom were grinning and giggling like retarded second graders. I have never never never seen her not smile, I think she must have had surgery or she’s on Prozac or something, she never even frowns. We need someone to kill a puppy in front of her or something to make her cry, just to see if she can actually do it.
When I walked inside the bar I thought for a second that I forgot to change my clock and had shown up late, since I saw Skin Fiddle there BEFORE any other hashers showed up. I mean he never is on time, let alone early. I was wondering if perhaps I had stumbled into an alternate dimension. But then Fruit of the Clue sauntered in wearing his florescent yellow jacket and I knew all was right with the world.
PERSONAE DRAMATICUS:
Skin Fiddle, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Stunt Dick Double, Fruit Of The Clue, He’s A Lesbian, Anal Pro Boner, Jingle Balls, Up Her Ali, Soft Core Analyst, Rear Engineer, Piss Cycle, Cousin It, E=MC2, Strap-On, Just Rich, Just Emily (transplant from Boston), The Ho sisters (Sloppy and Oh I), Virgin Pimp, Popeye’s Bitch, Mr Snuffleupamuff, Little Red Riding Wood, Tight Lips, Pink and Puffy Rides The Huffy, Cherry Poppins, whose virgin, Just Jenny, forgot her ID and ran off, and Just Christian.
Straws were drawn and Fruit Of The Clue draw the short stick. The overachiever Sloppy Ass Kisser started jumping up and down, screaming, “CANIGOTOOCANIGOTOOPLEASEPlEASE?” and joined him and away they went with red flower. A few minutes later Rear Engineer called us outside for chalk talk and off we went.
THE TRAIL
We quickly discovered that having Fruit teaching SAK was like the Blind leading the blind, or should I say the Color Blind leading the gullible. Did anyone know that Fruit was colorblind? No wonder he wears a florescent yellow jacket and tie died shirts, holy shit! And we gave him red chalk, which is tough to see anyway, so imagine if you will just how hopelessly screwed up the trail got.
Off we ran East on Chestnut, then South on Front Street, East on Walnut over I-95 to a False without the F (We were to find it later), back West on Walnut, then South on 2nd, where Just Rich tried to call the now ID-totin’ Just Jenny on his cell phone to vector her in. Do you know how fun that is trying to find a group of people who are running away from you on a hash trail. It is LOADS of fun, trust me, especially when it goes into strange neighborhoods and you have no idea where you are, and your companion stares death at you and, where was I?
Oh, yeah the trail. We hung out for a while at the Ritz theatre, where the title “There Will Be Blood” gazed down on us from the marquee, as we ran North on 2nd then South on 2nd, past where a Philly Fireman was killed, then West on Spruce, South into an alley between 3rd and 4th, where Up Her Ali and I were attacked by flying cardboard as we approached South St.
Here’s where things got interesting. We couldn’t find the damn trail, so we brow beat Up Her Ali to tell us where the Beer Near was. “7th and South,” she said, and off we ran down South, past gawking tourists and gangsta wannabees, where we found….nothing. No bar, no chalk, no flower, nada. “Maybe it was 2nd and South” Ali admitted.
We had a meeting of the minds, as we tried to figure out what to do, try to follow trail have an impromptu beer check somewhere, or wander aimlessly South on 8th street, which was what we did.
At 7th and Bainbridge, we found the missing “F” from the earlier False; no trail at all, just an F. As we stood there wondering how stupid either the hares or we were, Little Red Riding Wood came sauntering up, lips and tongue red, eating Rita’s Water Ice. Apparently Rita’s was offering free water ice to celebrate the first day of spring and Jingle Balls, Strappy, Rear, and some others partook.
While we were trying to figure this out, E=MC2 streaked by us, South on 6th, yelling “On-On!” and we were back on trail. South we ran down 6th, turning Southwest on Passyunk. At Passyunk & Christian, some nimrod driving HUA (Head Up Ass), didn’t realize what the 8 sided red sign or white lines on the highway meant, and damn near made me a hood ornament. Big badass that I am, I smiled, and waved and said, “HI!”
The Beer Near was in the appropriately named Dive Bar, where we found our grinning co-hares, who sheepishly admitted that they had run out of flour and did not have enough money to buy Pabst for everyone. WTF!
We ran, dejectedly, back to Buffalo Billiards.
TOTAL DISTANCE: 4.44 miles.
Once back at the bar, I made the mistake of complimenting Sloppy Ass Kisser on her fragrance, whereupon she rammed her armpit right in my face and cheerfully screamed, “Do you like it?”
THE CIRCLE:
HARES: the color-blind Fruit Of The Clue, and Sloppy Ass Kisser
VIRGINS: Just Jenny (Cherry Poppins made her come), and Just Christian (Just Emily made her come)
VISITOR/TRANSPLNT: Just Emily from Boston H3, who entertained us with this lovely joke:
"What’s black and blue and hates sex? The 9 year old in my basement." Did I mention we are all going to hell?
FIRST IN/LAST IN: Up Her Ali / Just Rich
COMES LATELYS: Cousin It, Sloppy Ass Kisser, and Fruit Of The Clue (Under the WHEN ONE HARE DRINKS rule)
AUTO HASHERS: Skin Fiddle, Virgin Pimp, Popeye’s Bitch, Anal Pro Boner, Piss Cycle, Pink And Puffy Rides The Huffy, Sloppy Ho, and Oh I Ho.
VIOLATIONS
Pisscycle- Tech in circle.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
DC is having either a Prom Hash or a 469th run, I don’t know which, check their web sites under DC HASHING.
Cousin It is haring an upcoming Philly Hash
If I seem a little fuzzy on the announcements it is because, as I was taking notes, Sloppy Ho ran into the circle yelling, “Which one of you fucking perverts has my clothes!” Apparently during the Green dress run, Sloppy discovered that the following items were missing:
1 beige Victoria Secret Body bra, size 36C (For all of you who were curious, and I know you were)
1 T-shirt
1 Red T-shirt marked “Vote Republican”
silk, flowered granny panties (Sloppy apparently went commando during the green dress run)
Blue Jeans (the complainant refused to provide size details)
Big Bendover’s Green Dress. (Wait a second, HIS dress and HER clothes are missing? I think we can mark this case as SOLVED)
The circle closed and at that point things began to get strange. One of the Ho sisters was sitting on the pool table and a Buffalo Billiards staff member materialized out of nowhere to admonish her ass off the table. Another appeared yet again when I rested my beer mug on the side to test the response time. Ali began shooing everyone out, since they had another party coming upstairs and we were only allotted 30 minutes. From there, people talked about each other, hashers txted lovers, strangers, brothers or family members (or all of the above), people got drunk, or sober, and others simply drove home.
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“Girls can get away with so much if they show a little boob.” – Skin Fiddle
“The one thing I know about anal beads is that you don’t pull them out like you’re starting a lawn mower” – Pisscycle, as reported by Stunt Dick Double.
HASHSPACE.com: If anyone is interested in joining this interesting new time waster, email either myself, E, Rash, Strappy, UHA, Europeen on Me, Mr Snuff, Cause, Cunting Season, fisted sister, or Sloppy, You have to be invited to get on, but is worth it.
On-On
He’s A Lesbian
Filed Under Trash |
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