BFM 214: XXX edition
Posted on April 2, 2008
Up Her Alley cruised in around 745 with flour, appraised the situation and made the command decision to give me responsibility for finding a hare. After two passes through the pack, we quickly realized three things
- I can’t count; we still had like 15 straws left
- The mob was feeling particularly lazy tonight. I haven’t had to listen to so much whining (it’s too cold, you’re too stupid to handle pulling straws?, my vagina hurts) since my 5 year old cousin’s birthday party.
- We still didn’t have a hare
Luckily, 2 Clump saved the day and volunteered to be hare. If he hadn’t stepped into the breach, we would have had to stay at the warm bar all night drinking. We really dodged a bullet with that one.
Who Came:
Fiber Opdick, S&M Man, Fisted Sister, Just Liz, Woolie Mammories (White House H3) Radr, He’s a Lesbian, Short Distance Rimmer, Anal Pro Bonor, Mr. Snuffle up her Muff, Rear Engineer, Virgin Pimp, Where’s My Vagina, Pink and Puffy rides the Huffy, Softcore Analyst, Little Red Riding Wood, Euro’peen on Me, Up Her Ali, Likes the Hard One, Cousin It, Cunting Season, Tastes Like Chicken, 2 Clump Chump, Rash, Skin Fiddle, Cherry Poppins, Just Rich (Fozzie Bear), Just Ed (just Rich and Cherry made him come), Popeye’s Bitch, Sponge Bath No Pants!, Just Zac (Sponge Bath made him come), Goofy Style (G-spot), PissCycle, Hold the Sausage, Scooby Snatch, Well Hung Jury, Stunt Dick Double
LRRW called the reluctant mob out to the sidewalk. Unfortunately she was no match for LIVE NUDE GIRLS next door. More than half the pack was too busy ogling and taking pictures to pay any attention to our lovely RA. Dejectedly she explained the marks to our virgins, but you had to be blind to miss the look of rejection on her face. Afterwards, she tried to set the pack off, but in the words of one ex on sec, we’ve moved on from check hanging to “just fucking around” while we waited for one of the FRB’s to find trail. 10 minutes later, someone dared to leave our comfortable shelter of porn and beer behind and actually cross the street.
Is it just me, or are 2 Clump’s trail setting skills evolving like Bud on Married with Children’s luck with women? Sure in the early episodes Bud has awkward encounters, with girls, blow-up dolls and hand cream, but towards the end, he was getting the finest women that the Hollywood Boulevard casting couch had to offer. Similarly, while 2 Clump’s first trail may have sent someone to the hospital, AND completely lost the pack, it seems like every time he ends up with the flour now, we actually get a good trail. According to the pedometer stuck on He’s a Lesbian’s shoe, we went 3.75miles. Note that he was smart enough to tell me this AFTER circle so he couldn’t be accused of tech on trail. Next time I’ll be watching.
Anyways, the trail had loops, back checks, and a Beer Check. We looped over and around Penn, and eventually made it back to Callahan’s for a beer check. Pink and Puffy, Just Ed, and I hung around outside. Puffy was smoking on a funny smelling short cigarette, and seemed to be enjoying himself immensely. Eventually our hare then set a trail basically straight back to bar, including a shortcut through the schoolyard. He even took the time to label the world map on the sidewalk. If that isn’t pride in craftsmanship, I don’t know what is. Unfortunately at that point the pack was so focused on porn, beer and warmth that everyone but the Rash and I missed his artwork. When the pack arrived outside the bar, Virgin Pimp serenaded us with some timeless classics. Mid-song, the pack quickly entered the bar. Beer was inside (in extra large Pitchers!!!), and the mob quickly got to work
Circle:
Hare: 2 Clump
Virgins: Zach, Ed
Visitors: Wooly Mammaries – WHH3 – he serenaded us with their special song. Sloppy hummed along. Goofy Style – G-spot – he sung a crowd favorite rollback/foreskin. Then he had to drink again for hat in the circle. We were onto his little game.
First In – He’s a Lesbian
Last In – Sponge Bath No Pants!
Auto Hashers – Pisscycle, Fiber Opdick, Skin Fiddle, Scooby, Fisted Sister, Hold the Sausage
Comes Latelys – Rash, Short Distance Rimmer, Likes the Hard One
Special Accusation – Skin Fiddle quit a perfectly good job so that he could open his own ice cream shop (the xbox in the back of his van is just not enough to entice the more discriminating 8 year old’s anymore). His last day was last Friday. We sang him the “you’re stupid…” song
Accusations
Round 1: Pink and Puffy for paying hash cash all in change (and under the when one European drinks, Europeen on Me)
Scooby and Pisscycle – eating in the circle
Round 2 Pink and Puffy for smelling like a cheap french whore (under the one whore/ho euro rule, Europeen and Sloppy)
Round 3 Man-Sec’s were accused of no green dress trash
Cousin It then promoted his Hash (this past Saturday) by pointing out the ease of septa regional rail, and the promise of full moon beer. Preliminary reports from the event indicate that the assclown put together a 15mile trail. Note to self: be prepared to short cut next time
Announcements:
Haberdashery – Talk to the Rash.
April 3 - BFM # 215 – Kelliann’s Tavern 4333 Spruce St,
Thru April 4 - Backdoor Bangers 12 playing at 2204 market!!!
April 5 – Chug and Run 2 organized by Philly Runners at 9pm in locust circle. It’s 3$ and there will be beer there. What else to you need?
http://pub30.bravenet.com/forum/2500995625/show/1121273
April 5 - Philly Hash 3pm – Hared by 3 Balls. Right across the lightly defended border with Jersey.
http://www.phillyhash.com/directio.html
April 12 – Philly Hash 3pm – Hared by Can You Hear Me Now, northern liberties is strong possibility
April 12 - Philly Roller Girls - Roller Derby Double Header with Connecticut Roller Girls, Doors at 5, bout at 6. Bumble Beaver AKA Tara Newone will be there and promises to make at least one girl cry. More info at http://www.phillyrollergirls.com/
April 25 – Out and Back R*n – Bryn Mawr R*nning Club’s annual 4 mile run with unlimited beer and food afterwards.
http://www.runbmrc.org/2008outandbackrun.html
August 3 – Phillies Tailgate – Cousin It. Be there!
Now I’m not one to gossip, so you didn’t hear this from me, but Holy Fuck was almost late for trail, even though she lives only 3 blocks away. When she came in, she seemed a little flustered and out of sorts. Then right after circle she announced she had to run out for “5 minutes” and came back 15 minutes later with a wide smile on her face. In fact, it looked to me like she was positively glowing. In completely unrelated news there was 5min of porn for 25c video machines right next door.
Quote of the Night
If Backdoor Bangers 1-11 were any guide, 12 is going to be awesome!!!! – S&M man
Jingle Ballzzz
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” Puffy was smoking on a funny smelling short cigarette, and seemed to be enjoying himself immensely.” … The Surgeon General has determined that smoking stunts the ability of foreigners, Albanians especially, to speak English.