BFM# 217 Ben Franklin Memorial Run
Posted on April 20, 2008
...when the pain and difficulty of breathing entirely left him, and his family were flattering themselves with the hopes of his recovery, when an imposthume, which had formed itself in his lungs, suddenly burst, and discharged a quantity of matter, which he continued to throw up while he had power; but, as that failed, the organs of respiration became gradually oppressed; a calm, lethargic state succeeded; and on the 17th instant (April, 1790), about eleven o’clock at night, he quietly expired, closing a long and useful life of eighty-four years and three months.
This was how Dr. John Jones, in his book, The Life of Benjamin Franklin, described that moment on April 17th 1790 when Ben Franklin slipped his mortal coil. While the biggest event in Philadelphia at the time, it barely received any notice at all on April 17, 2006. No one in the city knew.
Except the Ben Franklin Mob. The sick fucks. Well, we all didn’t remember it. Apparently either Up Her Ali or Little Red Riding Wood remembered it and prepared accordingly. I don’t know which one had the bright idea to celebrate his death, so I am giving both of them credit.
Either way, Wood prepared the trail and Ali secured the spot, Drinkers on 124 Market Street, the site of a few hashes in the past, and one in which you can snag a bottle of Miller Lite really cheap Woohoo!
I showed up to find a few hashers already there and getting ready. Wood had promised to lay an awesome trail, and remembering how she had laid others previously, I knew we were in for a lot of running and a lot of beer checks. Rock on!
MEMORIAL HASHERS
Rash, Rear Engineer, Big Tackle, Skin Fiddle, Pink & Puffy Rides the Huffy, The Ho sisters (Sloppy and O I), 2 Clump Chump, Fisted Sister, He’s A Lesbian, Stunt Dick Double, 3 Balls, Just Peter, Little Red Riding Wood, Soft Core Analyst, Mother May I, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Cunting Season, Tastes Like Chicken, Sub Cuntinent, Nappy Headed Ho, Short Distance Rimmer, Lick Hymen, Fire Down Under, Just Jeff, Hold The Sausage, Rangoon Fire (Wellington NZ H3), Scooby Snatch, Holy Fuck, Bumble Beaver, Mother Bates, Popeye’s Bitch, Piss Cycle, Mr Snuffleupamuff, Lick Hymen, Just Theresa and Stan.
Within a few minutes, our RA’s drug us outside to give us the chalk talk for the evening. Outside a new mark awaited us: The BFN which did not mean beer f$%^ng near, but meant that there was a site that had something to do with Ben Franklin or something. Wood promised to take the walkers off to the beer stops and in a few seconds away we went.
THE TRAIL
Off we ran, West down Market, past a bunch of yuppies eating outside and wondering just who the thirty-some odd people were, running right through their dinners. As we past one group I saw John Krasinski who plays Jim in “The Office” stand up point at us and say, “Oh shit, that’s them!” Then I realized it was Short Distance Rimmer. Does anyone else realize how much he looks like that guy?
Anyway, off we ran, past some poor guy in colonial garb, ringing a bell and giving a historical briefing for a bunch of tourists who had nothing better to do at 8 PM on a Thursday night. We turned South on 4th and West on Chestnut, South on 5th and still West on Locust, through Washington Park, South on 7th then West on Delancy, through old cobblestone alleys, then South again on 8th, and West on P-Pat-Pine, where we found our first BFN signifying that Ben Franklin single Handedly built Pennsylvania Hospital in 1751.
We hung a right and ran North on 9th street and then West down an alley named Bonapart Court, where some nimrod had parked his car in the middle of the street and was no doubt inside hearing all the cries of “On-On!” and praying he still had a car left. Then North through another alley and West on Irving, then North on Delhi and into a park on the South Side of Jefferson Hospital and then North on 10th.
I was feeling great, the wind in my face, a spring to my step and then as I jumped back up on the sidewalk I saw the bottom of my left sole as I twisted my ankle. I cursed and tried to stay upright, but tripped and sailed, ass over head into a heap next to Sloppy Ho, who being the gentle soul she is, looked at me, laughed her ass off and KEPT RUNNING! WTF! Nice job, Doctor!
At least Stunt Dick Double showed he cared, as he asked, “Dude, are you all right? That was an awesome PLF!” For those of you who don’t know, A PLF is a parachute Landing Fall, a way to land when jumping on a static-line parachute. When you come in at 28 feet a second, you are supposed to make contact with the balls of your feet, your calf, thigh, buttocks and opposite shoulder (What the smart people call the pull up muscle), and roll out of it. Now in ten jumps I have YET to do a proper PLF, I always have landed Feet-Ass-Head, or Feet-Back, or Feet-Face. It figures now, when I am wearing shorts and t-shirt I do it right, scraping the hell out of my knee. Now when you twist your ankle you are supposed to walk and stay off of it, so like a dumbfuck, I kept running, although this time more slowly and gingerly….
We continued North on 10th, then East on Market, and I was hoping for a beer stop soon, then North again on 9th, then East on Arch, then North again past the Roundhouse and East on Race, and into Franklin Square, then North on 6th. At this point, Sloppy Ho and Mother May I pointed to the 5-story Lighting and Key monument, at the base of the Ben Franklin Bridge and said, “When did they put that up? I never saw THAT before.” I can understand why, it’s only Five flipping stories high! At the base of a huge Bridge, and next to a circle! At least one of them has been here for over a year. I made a mental note to make violate Sloppy’s ass for that.
We then ran East on Wood St, then South on 4th and East on Race as I prayed for a beer stop, hopefully at that great bar on 3rd and Race. No such luck, we ran South on 3rd, then East on Arch where I saw the blessed “BN”. It was into an alley we went on the 200 block of 2nd, where we encountered Short Distance Rimmer and an awesome beer stop. The site chosen was this great patio next to a multi story car park and a burned out house. Philly rocks!
SDR’s beer was great. I can’t remember the name of it, but it was CHEAP too.
After a few minutes of this we ran off again down another street and West on Arch to Ben Franklin’s Grave at Christ Church. When he was 28, Franklin had wanted his epitaph to read:
The Body of B. Franklin Printer; Like the Cover of an old Book, Its Contents torn out, And stript of its Lettering and Gilding, Lies here, Food for Worms. But the Work shall not be wholly lost: For it will, as he believ’d, appear once more, In a new & more perfect Edition, Corrected and Amended By the Author.
Instead, it merely reads: Benjamin and Deborah Franklin. While we all stopped to pay our respects, Stunt Dick Double showed how reverent he was and said “Fuck this, lets go!” and took off. Nice.
There is an tradition in Philly that newlyweds throw a penny on Franklin’s grave on their wedding day for good luck, but it has since been eclipsed by people throwing any kind of coin there. While I tossed a dime, I heard Sloppy Ass Kisser moan that she had no coins. I headed off down trail and was tackled by a breathless 2 Clump Chump who reported what had happened as soon as I left. I knew I was in for a story when he screamed, “Holy shit you missed it!”
Apparently the forlorn and coinless SAK, in an inspired moment, gave the OPTION to the grave! 2 Clump damn near wedged his neck through the metal grates to see, but alas could only report that she did so. He made up for it by quickly finding a sleeping bum and marking a Turkey / Eagle split around the guy. Off we continued, South on 5th, then East in a park then South on 4th then East on Market ON IN to the bar.
Total Distance: 3.87 miles.
CIRCLE
HARE: Little Red Riding Wood, who did have a cool trail. But we still marked it as shitty.
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Just Peter / Skin Fiddle
VIRGIN: Just Theresa, Just Jeff made her come.
VISITOR: Rangoon Flyer (Wellington H3, Showing he had New Zeal and Energy)
CUMS LATELYS: Bumble Beaver, 3 Balls, Oh I Ho.
AUTOHAHASHERS: Skin Fiddle, Hold The Sausage, Fisted Sister, Tastes Like Chicken, Cunting Season, Oh I Ho, Short Distance Rimmer, Just Jeff, Just Theresa
ACCUSATIONS:
He’s A Lesbian- for downloading a Lifetime movie on his Iphone, watching it, and then really fucking up and recommending it to others. (Author’s note: It was a really good movie about serial killers. If it had been Zodiac, no one would have said anything!) and Soft Core Analyst and 2 Clump Chump under the when one man sec drinks rule….
Sub Cuntinent- For still wearing her green dress long after the run.
Lick Hymen – For dressing like the Fonz (I think, trying to read my chicken scratch writing)
Just Jeff and Nappy Headed Ho- Wearing new shoes (and yes, they drank out of them)
Mother May I: for wearing a shirt that “Race” on it. So what if it said “Grace?” we can’t tell the difference. And while we’re on the subject…
Sloppy Ho for wearing a Race shirt of a different kind that said “Vote Hillary”
He’s A Lesbian (Again) for being an overachiever and inviting the actor who plays Benjamin Franklin to the hash, and then frakking up and letting Sloppy Ho know he did it.
Piss Cycle for something or other but I was too busy being handed a beer to drink so I didn’t take notes.
BIRTHDAY SIDE SIDES: PissCycle
The circle was closed and everyone wandered upstairs for more beers, where someone found A PINK HUFFY parked outside. During this time someone stole Stan again, and when last we heard from her, she was on her way to England and being forced to watch a Lifetime movie…
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:
“Pink and Puffy came up to me and said “Holy Sex!” It was adorable.” – Holy Fuck.
39376
On On
He’s A Lesbian
Filed Under Trash |
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We accussed Lick Hymen of dressing like the Fonz. I would also like to note that when you (HAL) mentioned to me that you had someone special coming, the only thing I could think of was a stripper that could provide the option whenever requested, not a 300 pound sweaty guy in a costume…
is the good, cheap beer you are talking about LIONS HEAD? because thats what I was drinking. Its a little too dark for my taste though, I prefer to be able to see through my beers.