BFM #219 Northern Liberties Pub Crawl
Posted on May 6, 2008
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Yes, folks, its that time again. At least once or twice every few mos, the BFM, our little drinking club with a running problem, decides to emphasize the “drinking” part and forget all about running. This week, our former sorority sisters Sub Cuntinent and Hold the Sausage decided to let us see how they usually spend their weekends, and walk from bar to bar in Northern Liberties.
After, deftly parking near where I was told the final beer stop was, I arrived at The Standard Tap and 2nd & Poplar, to find both Pink and Puffy and Up Her Ali dressed to the nines and holding their own as she went down the list of micro brewed beers. Ali and I had a brief conversation about THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW OF ALL TIME, and then waited for the rest of the pack to show up. A Few minutes later, The Rash showed up, just begging to be scratched, as she made her rounds, smiling, and making contact with everyone there, then moving up quietly to Up Her Ali and, after sliding an undetermined amount of US currency into our GMs hands, said, “I took care of that thing for you,” and was out the door into the night, never to be seen from again that evening.
WHO CRAWLED:
Up Her Ali, Pink & Puffy Rides the Huffy, Just Craig, Fiber Opdick, Little Red Riding Wood, He’s A Lesbian, Short Distance Rimmer, Just Jessica, Hold the Sausage, Skin Fiddle, Sub Cuntinent, Fire Down Under, Rash, Scooby Snatch, Jingle Balz, Mr Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Holy Fuck, Two Clump Chump, Popeye’s Bitch, Nappy Headed Ho, and Just Pat.
A few minutes later, we stepped out into the night….
THE TRAIL
…and immediately lost a few people who ran across the street to hit the beer tasting going on at what looked like a beer distributor that only sold 40s. We strolled down 2nd Street to make our first stop of the evening at Liberties, a bar that had previously thrown us out before. Sausage and Ali immediately told us not to mention that we were hashers, or even say the word HASHER, since the BFM had been flagged from this bar. So of course, a few of us wanted to start singing, “Free beer for all the ____”
BEER STOP #1
Liberties is one of my favorite dive bars in Northern Liberties. In case you forget where it is, it has a Statue of Liberty right in front. There are at least two stories and very few plastic people come in there. There is also a painting of P/O Daniel McGonigle who was killed there on October 9, 1872, when it was referred to as a “taproom”. The shooter was later acquitted. Unlike Callahan’s where, everyone thinks that the painting that looks like a certain hasher is of a cop, this one really IS! (The Callahan’s pic is of a plumber who drank there regularly, I checked). There are also booths made of church pews which I think is a great idea.
The beers were provided and we drank our fill, wondering just WHERE we would go next. During this time, a crawler shared WAY too much information about a certain piercing through a certain appendage while Jingle Ballz was engaged in a finger contest during this time, and apparently won. In a few minutes, we were off, following Sub Cuntinent and Sausage who were doing their best Washington DC tour guide impression; “OK, people, we’re walking, we’re walking…”
So, off we went down Brown St to Front, where we turned left and entered an area that was deserted, as we walked underneath I95. The creep factor went way up as crawlers crowded together in an effort to ward off the monsters that lurk there. We eventually found our way to an old school house that had been converted to apartment complexes where we found ourselves at…
SHOT STOP #1
…Sub Cuntinent’s apartment, which, perhaps echoing her personality, was an old school auditorium. Several of us noted that her bed was ON THE STAGE! Does she perform there nightly? For captive audiences? Of bored school kids? Who knows. It was a nice place though. AND (for all you center city types) had OFF STREET PARKING!!!!
While I was looking at the twenty-foot high ceilings, something white and furry brushed my leg. I thought it was a rat at first and almost shot the damn thing, but both Subby and Holy Fuck crowded around it, screaming, “oh isn’t he so fucking CUTE!?!?!?” The large rat, was, I am told, a Pekinese or something. Holy Fuck, with her penchant for torturing small dogs, and videotaping them for Youtube, immediately latched on to it and began comparing notes with Sub on where you can find oh-so-cute little outfits with which to play doggy-dress-up. You know, there’s a special spot in Hell for such people…
But I digress. The shots were brought out, Red, (no idea), white (something clear), and Blue( no idea), and we all slammed them accordingly and as I noticed the “I love me” wall on Subby’s fridge, we were quickly ushered out, “OK, people, we’re walking, we’re walking, we’re walking…”
BEER STOP #2.
To the parking lot outside where we were given some more sweet nectar with a lion on it, that looked EXACTLY like the beer I cant remember from Short Distance Rimmer’s plaza. We sat there drinking and the next thing I new a bony hand tapped me on the shoulder…
The woman was a warmed over corpse. She wore a blue blazer and muttered something incoherently to me, as I tried not to notice that her white beard was longer than my chest hair. (A pause for those who now have to vomit with both of those images in your heads. Go to your happy place now). No I love necrophilia as much as the next guy, but she was WAY weirder, and to quote an absent noncrawler (Are we still not allowed to say hasher?), “I’d rather lick an ashtray.” Sub Cuntinent quickly shooed her away and that was our cue to walk to our final beer stop.
Enroute, a few of us decided to sing “The S&M Man,” and “Jesus Saves.” Apparently Just Jessica, who had been wowing us earlier with her cleavage decided to reveal that she was really religious. During our singing, she continuously screamed, “Oh my GOD!”, “Jesus Christ!”, and “Holy Shit!” and with that, we arrived at Druids Keep, which, for some strange reason, still tolerates our presence.
CIRCLE
HARES: Sub Cuntinent and Hold The Sausage
FIRST IN/ LAST IN: Pink and Puffy Rides the Huffy/2 Clump Chump
VIRGIN: Just Patrick, Nappy Headed Ho made him come on his bike (No seat on a bumpy street perhaps?), who Swallowed down his beer faster than the old dead guy from “The Man Show”, prompting Holy Fuck to scream, “That’s why Nappy hangs out with him!”
CUMS LATELYS: Fiber Opdick, Just Craig
ACCUSATIONS:
Short Distance Rimmer, Just Jessica, Just Craig, and Holy Fuck, for STILL wearing green, almost two months after St Patrick’s Day
ACCUSUS INTERUPTUS: At this point a drunk, not so innocent bystander, now forever known as Just Ralph, jumped in screaming that he used to work in Chicago, in a department store apparently, and is no longer employed and that it takes one rugby girl to screw in a light bulb, but you have to get his cock out of her mouth or something like that. Bear with me, but I was laughing too hard as I was scribbling notes here.
ACCUSATIONS CONT.
Popeye’s Bitch, for bike crawling, (Can I PLEASE say hashing now?)
Just Jessica: for having Bob Marley tattooed on her back.
Holy Fuck, Sub Cuntinent, and Hold the Sausage for some dumbass thing and under the when one on-sec drinks rule, the Man-secs that were there, which included Scooby Snatch, He’s A Lesbian, 2 Clump Chump, and Jingle Ballz.
Rear Engineer for being a Race-ist, he ran in some sanctioned running event last week, or is strolling down Broad Street on May 4th,
Jingle Ballz, for an unrememborable offence and when one man-sec drinks…..He’s A Lesbian, 2 Clump, etc…
Skin Fiddle: for putting 9 dollars in the jukebox. (I swear if it’s that Steve Perry song…)
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Stinko De Mayo : Have fun, it already happened.
BFM beer stop during Broad Street run. Great job guys!
Goat fucking: No lawsuits or subpoenas yet.
Roller Derby: Let me know how it went!
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
Short Distance Rimmer: “I’m happily married to my mother,” long pause “No, wait! I meant my FATHER! He does an awesome mustache ride”
Just Jessica: “Bet that second dance was awkward”
“I’ve gotta sit down because I have a piercing on my dick.”-unnamed hasher
“I use my internet exposer”-Pink and Puffy
“Am I going to get raped!? Because if not, , I’m going home!”-Just Jessica
“Well there is this gas station down the street..” Fire Down Under
“I’ve been done!” Just Jessica (sharing way too much info)
“Ahhh, I touched you!” Fiber Opdick
On On
He’s A Lesbian
Filed Under Trash |
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