BFM # 254, Mummers Hash
It was with bleary eyes, throbbing head and increasing nausea that I climbed out of bed, threw on some running gear and schlepped out to the Xterra to drive into the city. I was badly hung over, and rightly so, after consuming mass quantities of Yuengling at Rear Snatch’s (Or Scooby Engineer’s) abode, as we brought in 2009 with a bang. I wont go into details but at least there was no one mistaking a washing machine for a toilet this year. Karaoke was performed, yes, and if you wish to shudder, imagine 10 people all mangling the lyrics for “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” But I digress.
I drove into the city and encountered roadblock after roadblock as I tried to cross Broad Street. Apparently there was some kind of event going on. Of course anyone who spends time in Philly has heard of the Mummer’s Parade, and dumbass me tried to go straight up Passyunk from the Schuylkill, rather than around on I95. I finally managed to get across and pulled up into the jam-packed parking Acme parking lot where we were meeting.
This was billed as a combo event for Philly Hash, BFM, Hockessin H3 and maybe the Liberty Bell Hash as well. I had already been briefed by a few Mobsters the night before that I had a better chance of growing hair and getting laid than them showing up that early in 20’ weather so I wasn’t expecting much. Did I mention that it was cold, and I mean flippin FREEZING?
It was. Really really reallllllyyyyyy c-c-c-c-cold. It was so cold that my already miniscule member had receded into my body as I got out and tried to get a little tale of the dog. I sincerely doubted that half the regulars from Hash would make it, since 1030 is a might early when you are killing brain cells the night before. Several of them were no doubt not snoring blissfully in the arms of whatever two or four-legged beast they bedded down with the night before. The rest of us losers, well…lets just say there were more non-BFMers than BFMers this morning, with the exception of Just Jen, who was bouncing up and down like a demented aerobics instructor.
WHO BRAVED THE COLD
Air Ass, Just Jen, She’s Mine I Saw Her First (Reading H3), Gomez (H4), White Trash (H4), Rug Burn (H4), Snap It Off, Groper (H4), He’s A Lesbian, Up Her Ali, 3 Balls, Cums With The Turf (Reading H3), Big Tackle, Sly Fox, Sub Human, Tight Lips, Tour De Puke, Dublin Dick, Where’s My Vagina, Soft Core Analyst, Mother Bates, Dead Head (H4), Sternem & Rectum, 2 Balls, Mediocre & Stupid, Little Red Riding Wood, Scooby Snatch, Rear Engineer, Post Anal Drip, Stick It In My Socket (SHIT), Nut Cruncher, Can You Hear Me Now, Bunyip, Stacks, The Rash and Wingnuts.
Just as we were about to hit the trail we heard the screeching of tires as Post Anal Drip fishtailed her car into the parking lot, discharging a very green Scooby, Rear Engineer and visiting Stick it in My Socket, who all looked ready to puke all over the parking lot, and not from a hangover I was to later find out that PAD had driven like a mad-woman through the streets, and made the distance from 18th & Green to 10th & Reed in a minute and forty-five seconds.
We welcomed our fellow hashers and Little Red finished explaining the trail to us. And off we went….
THE TRAIL
We ran south down Passyunk to find the first of a few Falses, and then West down Morris, down Broad for a bit, past the String Bands, lined up on the parade route. We had just missed the Comic Brigades, which was kind of ironic since most of us are clowns anyway.
Rear Engineer was adjusting to his newfound job as horn blower for Philly Hash and was a blowing away. He would later get into a blowing contest with some neighborhood kids and defeat them soundly. Someone from one of the other hashes was using a conk shell that was actually louder than Philly’s much abused horn. We found our first Beer Stop on the corner of 13th and Moore and enjoyed making a bunch of noise, no doubt entertaining the occupants of the house with laughter, shouting Horn notes and Conk blasts. Whoever the hasher was with the conk shell blew it so much that Scooby smiled through his bloodshot eyes and said, “He LOVES the conk.”
A few minutes later we were off down Moore, crossing Broad. We then tour off South down 15th then West and South again before finally coming back to Broad and down into the subway stop, crossing under the parade. Up we popped and things got bad there. Mediocre and Stupid again lived up to her name by trying to buy cotton candy from a street vender with a $50. Either that or a credit card. I cant remember, but she kept screaming, “I need a dollar! Does anybody have a dollar bill?!” prompting one passerby to remark, “Then go to fucking Cheerleaders and work the pole, goddamn it.” I LOVE South Philly.
No one could find the trail, with a few of us heading East, finding scattered dobs of flour. At one point it was Rear, Post Anal Drip and myself only, until we ran back up 13th for like EVER before we heard someone else yelling, “On On!” Thank God. At 13th and Passyunk, we finally saw the ON IN, but there was no final spot. So a few people, I’m not saying who, knocked on house doors down the block before we finally saw two ornamental reindeer doing each other doggie style in front of a home. Inside was the rest of the pack.
Sly Fox had decided to donate her abode to us for the après. Yes, we actually had one, since it was a Philly hash event also. Inside, Up Her Ali was cooking meatballs and ziti, with Sly pleading with us not to unleash her pussy. I’m talking about her cat, you pervs! But then again, she is newly single and it IS New Years, oh never mind. Oh and if anyone didn’t notice, Sly has TWELVE different Nativity scenes in her house. “One from each culture!” she proclaimed proudly. There was even a Scientology Nativity scene with a TomCat and baby Suri with a halo. Swear to God.
While enjoying all this, Big Tackle convinced a few of us to walk back to our cars to get our dry warm clothes and we came back in just in time to be late for…
THE CIRCLE
VIRGINS: Were there any? How the Hell should I know? I was LATE! Thanks, BT.
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Soft Core Analyst / He’s A Lesbian (OK, first of all, I was NOT the last in, but had to go get my, oh forget it! Do you know how hard it was to drink that beer? It had ICE chunks on it!!)
HARES: Big Tackle, Little Red Riding Wood.
VISITORS: She’s Mine I Saw Her First
Stick It In My Socket (So Happy It’s Tuesday)
Comes With The Turf
Tour De Puke
AUTOHASHERS
The Rash, Stacks, and two others.
ACCUSATIONS
Snap It Off: For asking, “Who is Stan? Is he from Kazakhstan?”
He’s A Lesbian: For being a dumb fuck and forgetting Snap It Off’s name.
He’s A Lesbian & Soft Core Analyst: Hat in the circle. (Dumbass!)
Big Tackle: For missing the circle, and again under the when one GM drinks rule, which was pretty silly since he was the GM of the other Hash as well.
Mother Bates: For getting engaged. To a GIRL! (Was I the only one who thought he was gay?)
Wingnuts: For wearing jeans and not his trademark grape smugglers.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Cousin It’s Tail Gate Party: In August sometime. Contact the Philadelphia Parking Authority for details.
Bimbo’s of Jersey: Doing something in NJ. By this time my hands were numb and I can’t read my notes.
Commotion By The Ocean/water: Hosted by H4 (I think, see above about my note taking skills)
OVERHEARD AT THE HASH
“He LOVES the conk.” – Scooby Snatch
“My dad called me a cheap date.” – Just Jen
“Seriously my parents drink a lot and said, ‘You’re not our child.’” –Just Jen (on a roll)
“I was doing white Russians.” – Snap It Off
“All right, who pushed out the steamer?” – Scooby Snatch
“It DOES make it appear a little bigger.” – Post Anal Drip
“I didn’t drink last night because I got screwed by SEPTA.” – Up Her Ali
“I didn’t wear the sucking thing today but I probably should have.” – Where My Vagina
“You all done inside?” – 3 Balls
“Well I CAN take it up the ass.” – Scooby Snatch (Starting to share WAY too much now)
“I’m Down with OPPC: Other People’s Pub Crawl.” – Tour De Puke
“Let me have undo your bra. Come on!” – Snap It Off (to a guy)
“Did you know that Wingnuts blew Parrothead?” – Sub Human
“Did he?” – Sly Fox
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it happened.” – Sub Human
“You got drive through slushies, OH MY GOD, YOU WHORE!” – Up Her Ali
“It’s like writing your name on your pencil.” – Rash
Nut Cruncher!!!
‘”Up we popped and things got bad there.” is what He’s A Lesbian said in this trash. That’s a fine sentence because it contains a story. Those who participated in this hash “popped up” and, well, just when they manged to pop up themselves, “things got bad” for them.
Sure there are details missing, but HAL’s words move the reader from one point to another, very quickly, like a sentence should.
Like a trail should!
onon
hmmm hmmm
Hmmm, I just Googled ‘BFM’ to see if there was a new trash posted and found the separate link to THIS trash – nice! What a great hash it was – with all of hangovers, acccusations, icy-cold beer and mummers. On on!
Snap Off, add the site to something like Google Reader or another RSS feed, and you’ll always know when the trash is posted. No need to search for it every week!
Thanks, GDO, but I just like to Google everything
. In fact, I’m Googling YOU right now — somebody stop me before it’s too late, mwha-ha-haa!