BFM #267 Mmm…Donuts
This evening’s hash began at the Triangle Tavern, which is located on a magical 5 point intersection where, according to long-time-no-see BFM hasher Skinfiddle, if you stand at just the right moment, and the crosswinds are blowing in just the right way, you can smell both Pat’s cheese steaks and Dunkin’ donuts at the same time.
Who came:
Sly Fox, Where’s My Vagina?, Softcore Analyst, Swollen Cockpit, Cherry Poppins, 2 Clump Chump, Mediocre & Stupid, Deep Discunt, Fire Down Below, Scooby Snatch, We’re not Voting, Goes Down Often, Mayor Quimby, Just Kyle, Just Sean, Fruit of the Clue, Beef Strokeitoff, Over Easy, Holy Fuck, Cleavage to Beaver, Mother Bates, Just Lisa, Just Theresa, 3 Balls, Dr. Squealgood, Midnight Tranny, Just Kurt, Just Keith, Just Gregg, Shitty Day, H2Ho, Cousin It, Target, Virgin Pimp, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Karawackoff, Ass Ventura,
Trail headed North, then east, then north, then east, then east some more, then south, then east then south, then west, etc. At each direction change and after no more than 2 flour marks was a check. After meandering in this fashion for some 40 minutes, the hashers were getting rather parched, and since they were promised a beer check, they were also getting mad, and a little desperate, “Where the hell is the beer check?” I happened to have some insider information, so when I noticed that the hares laid a true trail arrow pointing away from the beer, I directed part of the pack to Sly Fox’s house where the hares had not yet been. Always the host, the lovely Sly Fox distributed very cold beers to very hot hashers and there was much rejoicing. The rest of the pack made it to the beer check somehow, and I found out later that the hares had mistakenly asked for directions from a South Philly youth, which is never a good idea.
“On In” was called from Sly Fox’s living room, and we headed back to the Triangle Tavern, where, in keeping with the geometric theme, Scooby started the
Circle
Hares: Fire Down Under, Where’s My Vagina
Virgins: Just Sean (Dr. Squealgood)
Just Derek (Swollen Cockpit
Just Calell (Ibid)
Visitors: Kerowackoff (From San Diego H3; showed his beer belly and made 3 attempts to sing “I Used to Work in Chicago). Lyrics are provided below for everyone’s future reference.
Violation: Kerowackoff for wearing a hat and messing up the Chicago song
1st in: Ass Ventura
Last in: Fruit of the Clue
Auto-hashers: The Rash, Rear Engineer, Hold the Sausage, We’re Not Voting, Short-Distance Rimmer, Just Gregg, Virgin Pimp
Cums Latelys: Deep Discunt, Swollen Cockpit, Cleavage to Beaver, Over Easy, Cousin It, 3 Balls, Beef Strokeitoff
Accusations:
Hares for showing up at the beer check last
Swollen Cockpit for only bringing “dude” virgins to the hash. (Several Harriettes objected to this accusation citing acceptable hash behavior, but Rear, in all of his testosterone-laden glory, decreed that during his Phallocentric Reign, bringing dudes to the hash is unacceptable, and therefore, the accusation should stand.)
Scooby for messing up a song
Holy Fuck for doing her “speed-work” at the Hash
Fruit of the Clue for singing a lame-ass song
We’re Not Voting for not wanting to get sweaty
Birthdays: Midnight Tranny and Mayor Quimby. The girls almost dropped Tranny, and then they tied his shoes together. After Tranny’s side-side, The Mayor put his hand on Tranny’s shoulder and said, “That’s why you always wear sandals to the hash on your Birthday.” Of course his plan backfired when, during his side-side, someone stole his flip-flops.
2 Namings:
For Just Theresa, a federal agent whose favorite farm animal is a pig, the pack was able to come up with an array of catchy names: Swamp Ass, Agent Ass, Agent Swass, Inspector General, Inspect Her Ass, Inspect Her Gadget, Inspect Her Vagina, Inspect Her Genitals, Agent Whorage, Special Agent Whore, and Silence of the Clam. In the end, Silence of the Clam was deemed most appropriate.
But the creative juices were not flowing as well when we tried to name Just Lisa: Fist-Him-A-Lot, Naked Sphincter, Wrist Deep, Bonsai Bush, Cums on Her Own, Harwood, Wax-On Wacks-Off, Rimmer I Just Met Her, Karate Cunt, Wristy McClit, Wrist and Reward. None of these names really called out to the Hash, and so Just Lisa stood up, saddened by going yet another week unnamed. Then, some pertinent information was revealed: her maiden name is Bush. So without further adieu, Rear set her on her knees and declared her Bonsai Bush.
Announcements:
April 10th: Philly Full Moon presents Hot Chicks with Douchebags hared by Holy Fuck and Up Her Ali @ Bonner’s 7:30 SHT
April 11th: PH3 Hash #1630 hared by Butt Lite and Cousin It, starts at 3:30 in Huntington Valley
April 23rd: Students Run Philly Fundraiser/Drinkabration @ Public House (from 6-8pm, $10 cover)
May 3rd: Sly Fox Brewery Goat Races are coming up, so if you have a goat, register it now.
June 27th: Bruceapalooza
Philly Runner Beer Mile has been postponed.
After the circle, songs were sung, dances danced, doughnuts distributed, and not 1 but 2 lucky Hashers were kissed by local barfly Just Lacey (2 kisses each might I add). All in all it was quite a night.
Overheard at the Hash:
Fruit of the Clue while massaging Deep Discunt’s ass, “It’s her sciatica, I promise.”
Masturbation is fun at first, but then you realize that you’re just fucking yourself. -unk harriette
Hasher : I’m sorry. My ass hit your hand.
Harriette: I was aiming for your crotch.
On On,
Little Red Riding Wood
I Used to Work in Chicago
CHORUS:
I used to work in Chicago, in an old department store.
I used to work in Chicago, but I don’t work there anymore.
A woman came in for a computer (a computer from the store)
A computer she wanted; my Wang she got, and I don’t work there anymore.
A man came in for a telephone (a telephone from the store)
A.T.& T. he wanted; T.I.T. he got, and I don’t work there any more.
AND: a woman came in for a(n):
Irish airlilne ticket from the store, Air Lingus she wanted, cunnilingus she got
doughnut – glazed she wanted. cream filled she got
brass taps she wanted, golden shower she got
Beefeater Gin she wanted, eat her I did
cigarette she wanted, my pipe she got
butter she wanted, spread she got
translator she wanted, cunning linguist she got
diamond choker she wanted, pearl necklace she got
A ruler she wanted, 12 inches she got
Some lettuce she wanted, head she got!
Some Shakespeare she wanted, Dickens she got!
piano she wanted, my organ she got
chips she wanted, lays she got
muscle car she wanted, my hot rod she got
elevator – my shaft
carpet – laid
spring – BOINGed
screwdriver – screwed
hammer – nailed
carpet – pile she wanted, shagged she got
gun – banged
nylons – hosed
floppy disk – my hard drive
metaphysical conversation – fucked
velvet – felt
liquor – lick her I did
bolts – my nuts
sailors – semen
ham – porked
plastic – rubbers
plumbing – my pipe
canned ham – porked
seafood – crabs
fabric – felt
ALSO: a man came in for a:
balloon – blown
doughnut – my hole
lollipop – sucked
horse – ridden
carpet – shag he wanted, piles he got
wheels – rimmed
beer – Bush
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