BFM # 274 Two beers is too much
After a very long day of penning brilliant puns and entertaining the masses, I was looking forward to a night of mindless running and beer with a few good friends. I was NOT counting on doing more work. So imagine my surprise when Rear Engineer (who still doesn’t realize he’s not an RA anymore… poor boy) called chalk talk and I discovered that The Rash, the only other On Sec in attendance, had plans to leave to lose terribly at hockey. This was especially troubling since I was pen and paperless and was already two beers deep (enough to render my lightweight ass more than tipsy).
Keep all of this in mind as you read on. It’s my excuse for not having any freaking clue as to what actually happened at Druid’s Keep.
Heres what I do know:
I’m pretty sure these guys showed up: Softcore Analyst, Rear Engineer, Fire Down Under, Mediocre and Stupid, One Inch In, Deep Discunt, Cause for Flounder, Some Virgin, S&M Man, Mother Bates, Snap Off, Just Meg, Nappy Headed Ho, Virgin Pimp, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Working Girl, Just Rachel, Beefcake Stroke It Off, The Rash, Pedalphile, Second Coming, Just Julie, H2Ho, Just Keith, Just Holly, Just Jill, Target, Skin Fiddle, We’re Not Voting, Cleavage to Beaver, Piss Cycle, Just Molly, Just Tom, SubCuntinent, Fruit of the Clue, Comes Anally, Just Kelly, Just Jasmine, Son of a Goat Fucker, Ass Venture, Mediocre and Stupid, Dr. Squealgood, Cherry Poppins
After I scrambled to grab a pen and napkins, I caught up with the pack, which wasn’t hard because no one was running yet. Something about it being too hot, or not being able to find trail. I don’t know. But about five blocks into the run we lost a few groupies, most notably Pedalphile. Why is this notable, you ask. Because Piss Cycle suddenly sprouted emotions including concern and guilt for leaving his sorry butt. She even asked if we should go back for him. Either love has changed her cynical ways, or she was abducted by aliens and her cold dead heart was replaced with one from a Care Bear. Either option is possible at this point.
Anyway, we ran. We ran so far away. We ran all night and day, or at least it felt like it. Things we passed:
A homeless man who wanted hard boiled eggs in exchange for running for 72 hours. Nappy Headed Ho wanted to take him up on it.
A possible Buddakan booze check
One Inch In losing his diginity near a trash truck and a locked gate
S&M Man‘s virginity. Just kidding. That never existed.
Those of us who stuck out the trail found our way to the new, lovely home of SubCuntinent. Let’s admit it now: This is the classiest beer check the mob will ever have. We had a roof top patio, views of the city, and the cutest puppy a hasher could ask for. Bonner’s just doesn’t compare. After drinking a beer with our pinkies in the air, the few mobsters that had made it this far headed back to the Keep, where at about midnight we finally had
The Circle:
Hare: Son of a Goat Fucker
Virgins: Just Jasmine, Just Kelly and someone else
First In, Last In: Piss Cycle and someone not immortalized thanks to my illegible handwriting
Comes Latelies: Fruit of the Clue, Sloppy Ass Kisser, Piss Cycle, We’re Not Voting, Cause, Pedalphile
Autohashers: Post Anal Drip, Dr. Squealgood, The Rash, Rear Engineer, Cherry Poppins, Comes Anally, Mediocre and Stupid
Accusations
For doing something dirty in a chair: One Inch In
For that damned pearl necklace. Again. For the 50th time:Mediocre and Stupid
For being a racist of the worst kind: The Rash
For dressing like a racist: Pedalphile
For what might have been tackling someone: Nappy Headed Ho
For tech in circle: Fruit of the Clue
For losing future haring rights byrunning past the Philly Brewing Company and NOT STOPPING for a beer check: Son of a Goat Fucker
For having lovely boobs, which you’ll never see: Goes Down Often (hey, I’m writing it, I can tell the story my way…)
For doing something with a couch? Cleavage to Beaver
For making it through another year: Mediocre and Stupid, Snap Off
Announcements:
Pittsburgh Analversary Hash, weekend after Memorial Day. Snap Off is cumming, and she wants you right next to her when she does.
BFM PROM: June 11th, TA Flannery’s. Now’s the chance for you to get laid on prom night, cuz we all know you didn’t the first time around.
Birthday parties galore, but you missed ‘em.
After the circle, we were entertained by our favorite perfomer, Cleavage to Beaver. It seems that the hash marked C2B and S&M Man’s one year Fucking Anniversary. That’s right. It’s been an entire year since they’ve been bumpin’ uglies. If you weren’t there to hear the crooning, imagine the sweet words of Shakespeare, the musical genius of Beethoven and the googly eyes of a porn star. It was touching–in places you never want touched again.
Overheard at the Hash:
"I’m a slave to Cher."
"You can never have too much herpes."
"Whose uncle is that?"
On, on,
Goes Down Often
