BFM#273 X Always Marks the Trail
First, a public service announcement: I really love abusing you wankers. Inflicting paranoia on you while I take notes for trash is truly one of the high points in my life. But, considering what I saw parading before me last night, y’all seem pretty comfortable with letting it all hang out in public. (Or, if you’re Winkie, letting it all hang out in the bathroom then taking a picture of it with someone else’s telephone. On 700x zoom.) Well, I take that back. You’re comfortable riiiiight up until the point that you realize I’m writing it down and grinning like a fiend. But, even I have my limits. This morning I spent a good bit of time perusing the Urban Dictionary and coming to the conclusion no one needs to read about what happens when you combine a Cleveland Steamer and dollar store plastic wrap. (Neither does anyone need to know the subtle distinction between a Hot Carl and a Hot Lunch, and for the love of all that’s holy, absolutely no one needs to hear anything about a Pink Sock, ever.)
Basically, what I’m saying is, even I have a level of decency, and probably won’t out your really criminally dirty secrets publicly in the trash.
I also take bribes.
Now, onto the hash, because even though there is plenty of stuff I’m not telling you about (fisting, blumpkins) there is plenty that I will.
Showing up at Grumpy’s this evening were Target, Big Tackle, Goes Down Often, Just Megan, Silence of the Clams, Deep Discunt, The Rash, Rear Engineer, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Son of a Goat F*cker, Softercore Analyst, Post Anal Drip, Sextra Credit, H2Hoe, Just Greg, Bansai Bush, Snap Off, Just Rachel and her Just Mom and Just Dad, Two Clump Chump, Just Alex, Cousin It, Tickle My Elmo, Just Melissa, Sly Fox, Over Easy, Second Cumming, Ass Ventura, Just Kirk, Little Red Riding Wood (who managed to remove a long sleeve shirt outside the bar without exposing anything), Just Keith (who showed up with a beer and a cigar), and visiting from Korea, Company Cock, Nice Pear, and Company Cock’s virgin (hash virgin)(well, maybe the other kind, too) brother No Name Zach (their version of a “Just“ in Korea.)
Our Phallocentric Tyrant, surprisingly on time for once, grabbed a handful of straws and started handing them out to the increasingly nervous Mob. One by one, the handful of straws dwindled, as did the number of possible hares. After surprising two hashers who tried to avoid the straws by hiding in the bathroom (nice try, but the only effective way is showing up just a shade too late. Amateurs.) Rear Engineer awarded the fun and exciting task of haring to Deep Discunt. Two Clump Chump stepped up to assist, and they were summarily handed the bag of flour and scampered off into the night.
The rest of the Mob milled around for a few minutes before suffering through chalk talk, then scampering off themselves. Down the block to a check. The typical check hanging ensued until frustrated, the Mob went back to the bar and tried another direction. Somehow, the Mob found a different check, circled the block, then came back to the first check. After a few false starts, the Mob finally got it together and found trail. Well, they found a check. Then ran down the block, and found another check. Turned the corner, another check. There was more than ample opportunity for checkhanging this week, which was actually kind of awesome in my book because my thighs were sore. More on that later. Goes Down Often, however, simply cannot be pleased. Last week, she complained mightily of not enough checks. This week, there were way too many checks. B*tch, please. Make up your mind. After about 45 minutes of one-check-per-block checks, the Mob arrived at Ray’s Happy Birthday Bar for a beer check, served to us by the always fabulous Free Beer Today.
After 20 minutes of loafing and beer-swilling, the Mob was off again back to the Grumpy’s. One the way we passed Geno’s, where I saw Company Cock run past, slow down, stop, turn around, and go buy a cheesesteak. Good call. It’s no Pat’s, but it’ll do.
Back at the bar, the Mob swarmed upstairs and waited anxiously for beer. (pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohbeerbeerbeerbeer BEER!!!!) The arrival of the bartenders with cases of beer was greeted with cheers and the Mob got down to drinking and carrying on and the Circle.
The Circle:
Hares: Two Clump Chump, Deep Discunt
Virgins: No Name Zach, Just Mom, Just Dad
Visitors: Company Cock, who told a joke about when to defend your girlfriend’s honor, and Nice Pear, who sang us what I’m going to presume was an absolutely filthy song in Korean.
First In, Last In: Snap Off, Second Cumming (Second Cumming was named at the Full Moon bash the other week, when he arrived on a bicycle dressed as Jesus, by the way.)
Comes Latelies: Just Alex, Over Easy, Cousin It
Autohashers: Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Fire Down Under, Scooby Snatch, Shitty Date, Just Dad, Just Mom (who was very proud of beating Just Dad twice with her drinking speed), No Name Zach, Mediocre and Stupid, One Inch In
Accusations
(for all accusations, just assume the “When ONE [fill in the blank] drinks, ALLLLLLL [whatever the hell] drinks!!!”, because there was a lot of that tonight.)
For talking in circle: Goes Down Often
For running in a polo shirt WITH a popped collar: Just Melissa
For pleated pants: Scooby Snatch
For screwing up a song: Scooby Snatch
For complaining about the number of checks: Goes Down Often
For wearing everything Philly Runner has to offer: Silence of the Clams
For changing before circle: Two Clump Chump
For getting named before Snap Off could make a wish on the two Just Gregs (yeah, I don’t know): Second Cumming
For calling chalk talk, though she’s not an RA: Goes Down Often
For wearing a white belt before Memorial Day: Shitty Date
For wearing timing chips to a hash: Snap Off, Cousin It, Silence of the Clams
For something about Colorado: One Inch In
For graduating: Just Rachel
Then, it was noted that it was Just Dad’s birthday, and he was unceremoniously hoisted and side-sided, after which he gave a very touching speech, made all the better by the 10 or so beers he’d had in circle.
Just Dad also wore new shoes to the hash, and Just Rachel gamely took responsibility and drank out of them for him. Solid.
Announcements:
Phillies Tailgate: August 8th 2009, there will be a website up in two weeks, Phillies Tailgate 2010 to be announce in 3 weeks
Pittsburgh Analversary Hash, weekend after Memorial Day. Snap Off is going, and you should, too.
BFM PROM: June 11th, TA Flannerys. Start shopping for your slutty dresses and sluttier dates now.
Bruce-A-Palooza: Sometime this summer. It was loud, I couldn’t hear.
Paintball!: TBA. Contact Big Tackle if you’re interested.
Overheard at the Hash:
Rear Engineer: “Well, we left at a quarter after nine, nine-twenty, and we got back at nine. Good trail.”
Some Hasher: “So is it different now that you’re engaged?”
Harriette: “Well, I still give him blow jobs.”
[After some wanker broke serious wind]
Mediocre and Stupid: [indignantly] “I fart once and I get blamed for life?!?”
One Inch In: “And cleared out half the bar!!”
Tickle My Elmo: “It took me four days to shave my legs.”
Snap Off: “Just Greg got named?!? Oh, no, there were two Just Gregs, I was going to make a wish!”
Ha ha — good trash! Well, nobody understands the mysterious Russian soul and its little crazy superstitions anyway, so naturally, everyone thought about me wishing for a threesome (typical hash behavior, indeed:))…
I think it’s quite clear that I cannot be pleased, and I make no attempt to hide this truth. Any efforts toward making me happy will bore me. You have been warned.