Tonight was the Annual BFM Prom, a very special occasion for all of us who were never asked to Prom and/or never made it the whole way through high school.

But we’ll get to that.

More importantly, this evening ALSO marked the Triumphal Return of Stan to the BFM.  Now, there has been some controversy surrounding the Triumphal Return of Stan to the BFM, and I want to say a few things.  Hashers are naturally drawn toward collecting  accessories that are not vital to hashing, but do make things a little more interesting (big fugly carved wooden mugs, hash sh*ts festooned with found underpants, horns, drinking competition t-shirts, slutty significant others, etc).  And hashers, being short-attention-spanned drunks, are a lot like four-year-olds: deeply loving their objet d’hash, toting it about obsessively, then promptly leaving it lying around when something shiny distracts their attention (Oo!!).  Other, more sober hashers will immediately swoop down, snag said objet, and commit various acts on/with/to the objet, such as:

•  Rubbing their offensive body parts all over it
• Taking the objet on "vacation" and sending back pictures
• Sending obscene ransom notes
• Demanding that the owner do something embarrassing to get the objet back. 

Now, did you see dismemberment on that list?  Neither did I.  Shoving down pants? Absolutely!  Wanton destruction?  Not nice. So, I propose that after the next time Stan is stolen (and she will be, all that outrage doesn’t make you wankers into smarter lushes), I propose that we reincarnate her as this. That, and a maybe a little lighthearted human sacrifice/cannibalism barbeque (we’ll make hufu for the vegetarians), and that should clear things right up.

 Now, back to your regularly scheduled Prom:

 Arriving this evening bedecked in all manner of prom finery and shocking the hell out of our TA Flannery’s bartender Butch were: Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, The Rash, Rear Engineer, Little Red Riding Wood, Jingle Balzzz and a stunning collection of pens in his pocket protector, Reginal Discharge, Mr. Snuffleupamuff,  Anal Pro Boner, Just Joel, Snap Off, Where’s My Vagina, Wonder Blow, Just Jen, Softcore Analyst, Major Piece of Ass, Dirty White Trash, Sex Tonight, Denied!, Just Theresa, Just Erica, Beefcake Strokitoff, Cleavage to Beaver, One Night Only, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Just Becky, Just Rachel, Sternum and Rectum, Just Anne, Target, Goes Down Often, Silence of the Clams, Big Tackle, Ass Ventura, Virgin Pimp, Fire Down Under, Scooby Snatch, Just Ida, Holy F*ck accompanied by Stan, Dr. Squealgood, Fruit of the Clue, One Inch In, Deep Discunt, Just Alex, Tour de Puke, Mediocre and Stupid, Just Greg, Nappy Headed Ho, Just Peter, Just Laura, Bumble Beaver, Just Derrick, Post Anal Drip, Two Clump Chump, Pedalphile, Piss Cycle, Can You Hear Me Now, Dunk In Hinds, Second Cumming, Just Diedre, and Cherry Poppins.

 The Mob milled around in their various finery, some of the highlights including:

 Snap Off’s condom necklace

Just Alex’s pregnant teenager look

Just Derrick’s Marilyn Monroe-style white dress

Jingle Balzzz’s Dolce and Gabbana pants (Really) 

Finally, everyone managed to stop admiring each other long enough to get out the door and pay attention to chalk talk.  And then, they were off!  Down the street, behind the Trader Joe’s, scampering up the embankment, making their way over to the Parkway, then behind that apartment building next to the scary baseball field, back to the Parkway and up to the Art Museum steps, where we looked considerably less silly than the pack of dorks on Segways.  After a brief photo shoot, the Mob was off to a shot check down the spiral staircase next to the river.  After a lot of “I never knew this place existed!” and “Oo! Shots!” the Mob was off again to find trail and the next beer check.  After crossing Kelly Drive en masse and wandering around Brewerytown, the Mob finally discovered alcohol again at Fruit of the Clue’s house.  After a brief, sweaty beer break, the Mob was off again, this time to find beer at Skin Fiddle’s abode.  Just as everyone finished their beers, the first few drops of rain began to fall and Rear Engineer helpfully herded the Mob towards the fastest way back to the back to the bar, which was through a scary chain link fence and down a dark alley, oddly enough.

 Back at TA Flannery’s, make-up was freshened and sports bras were removed to give the full effect of décolletage.  (The women primped a bit, too.)  Looking good, wankers then proceeding to attack the spread of food like it was the last helicopter out of Saigon.  Or something. 

 Next up: The Circle.

 The Hares: Rear Engineer, Little Red Riding Wood

Virgins: Just Joel, Just Ida, Just Anne

Visitors: Dirty White Trash and Just Theresa from Lehigh Valley, who just told jokes, Dunk-In-Hinds, who showed his nipple, and Tour de Puke from H5, who favored us with a hilarious New-Jersey-based verse to the “There are no real hashers in [fill in the blank]” song

First In, Last In: Ass Ventura, Just Dierdre, Second Cumming, Target

Cums Latelies: Can You Hear Me Now, Major Piece of Ass, One Night Only, Beefcake Strokitoff, Holy F*ck, Bumble Beaver, and Stan v 3.0.

Autohashers: Just Dierdre, Second Cumming, Can You Hear Me Now, Dunk-In-Hinds, Cherry Poppins, Fruit of the Clue, and 2 friends of Muff that were randomly there

 Accusations:

For putting the wrong address for the bar on the website: Rear Engineer

And under the “When One GM Drinks” rule: Big Tackle

And under the “When One hare Drinks” rule: Little Red Riding Wood

And under the “When One On Sec Drinks” rule: Goes Down Often, The Rash, Mr. Snuffleupamuff

 

(This happened like 4 times, so I’m not writing it again. And not like you care anyway.)

 

For being a GM and turning down booze: Rear Engineer

Tech on trail: Bumble Beaver, Ass Ventura

Running into an eye-level sign: Two Clump Chump

For knowing Snap-Off’s boss: Just Joel

New shoes: Mediocre and Stupid (yes, out of her shoe)

For running barefoot on trail: Mediocre and Stupid (yes, you read that right)

For turning down One Inch In’s affections: Deep Discunt

For being racists: Two Clump Chump, Rear Engineer

For leaving us: Cherry Poppins

For his pearl necklace: Beefcake Strokitoff, and under the “When one person with a pearl necklace drinks” rule: everybody else wearing a pearl necklace, and that was, like, 20 people.

For wearing an outfit that needed a cape: Fruit of the Clue, and strangely, under the “When one kilt-wearer drinks” rule: Tour de Puke

For being pregnant on trail: Just Alex

For being the 4^th member of Destiny’s Child: Cleavage to Beaver, and under the “When one Beaver drinks” rule, Bumble Beaver

 

It was also birthday time for Mr. Snuffleupamuff and Little Red Riding Wood, who were hoisted and side-sided and sung at.

 

Finally, it was time to name Just Alex. After asking her favorite farm animal, sexual position, sexual position with a farm animal, and weirdest place she’s ever done it, either with or without a farm animal, she was named “I-69” for doing it in the bushes next to a highway. (Not for getting in on at Bingo.)

 

Announcements: 

Next Hash is Solst-ass!

Bruce-a-palooza in two weeks!

Roller Derby in Feasterville! Contact Bumble Beaver for details or go to the website!

Phillies Tailgate! Every August until 2016!

Cleavage to Beaver’s boob fell out!

Fruit of the Clue needs help moving! Will give you nothing in return!

Mediocre and Stupid has something about July 4^th! Or 11^th! I can’t read it!

Scooby Snatch would like some sex!

 

And that was Prom. Tada.

 

Overheard at the Hash Prom

 Muff to Jingle Balzzz: “Hey, lookin’ snazzy!  Got Depends on?”

  

On On,

The Rash

One Response to “BFM#277 Stan Goes to Prom”

1. Snap Off says:

   June 17, 2009 at 10:06 am

   Hey, where is my quote about Rear’s dress, which matched his eyes )?