BFM #282 Rimmer gets his fantasy
There are some good advantages to waiting, or so I hear; I don’t know what they are per se, but I’m sure you can ask Bristol Palin or Ashlee Simpson… And since all of you wankers waited so kindly for two weeks, I’m here to reward you. Your prize? This amazing trash. (I never said it was a worthwhile reward.)
But before I start, let me say a word to the legions who complained about my tardiness: I’ll have regularly posted trashes once the antibiotics kick in and I beat this horrible case of Shut The Hell Up.
Ok, let’s begin.
It’s was a dark and stormy night, and our ever-loveable, though not very wise, leader coaxed us into the no-man’s-land between Northern Liberties and Fishtown. If you aren’t familiar with the area, it’s rumored to be the place that’s haunted by Danny Glover’s ghost (never you mind whether he’s living or dead), and at least on Nappy Headed Ho. In other words, stay the hell outta there… Alas, at least a few of us are suckers for cheap beer and an upstairs space, so these tools came out, ghetto and Zeus-bolts be damned: STD, Mediocre and Stupid, Just Ari, Jingle Ballzzz, Nappy Headed Ho, Just Dan, Cleavage to Beaver, Just Charlie, Just Ryan, Just Jon, Just Martin, Scooby Snatch, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, We’re Not Voting, Bonsai Bush, Big Tackle, 2500 CC of Semen, Rear Engineer, Can You Hear Me Now, Working Girl, Snap Off, Sleeps Around the Clock, Second Comming, Grab My Handlebars
Where they went: I have no idea; I had the common sense to stay inside until the end-of-days-like storm passed. Yes, I autohashed. Yes, I somehow I got stuck writing trash. The mysteries of life continue. All of that said, the word on the street is that the trail was mighty damn fine, not so much because it went through lots of shiggy or had plenty of booze, but more because everyone got laid by Snap Off. Yep, even Sex Tonight Denied. (Seriously, this is how he got his name.) And if that guy can get laid, you know it’s a good evening.
Anyway, after the brave souls got back from their epic trail, we sat around and drank beer. And we drank more beer. Then, we drank even more beer. This went on for a while until the prettiest girl in the room got bored and called for circle. This is when things got interesting. Someone decided to give our delightful religious advisors their own pulpit, complete with flashing disco lights. If you told me there was a rogue leprachaun running amok with this guy, I would have believed it. I don’t think David Lynch himself could have come up with a better place for Sausage and Scooby.
As we all tried not to get sucked into the trance S&S were casting, we had a little thing called Circle. Here’s who drank:
Snap Off, for being hare-y
Just Charlie, Just Jenn, Just Bryan, for popping their cherries
Big Tackle and Fruit of the Clue for beating everyone back to the bar, including Jingle Ballzzz who actually does melt in the rain (he’s made of sugar, don’t cha know?)
Working Girl, Second Coming and Grab My Handlebars for being slow, yo
250 CCs of Semen, for being a stranger in a strange land
STD and Can You Hear Me Now for being to busy to regularly love the BFM, even though they regularly love themselves
Me for getting the party started
Sausage, probably because she don’t eat meat, but she sure likes to bone.
A shit ton of people for being racists
Softcore Analyst for actually using his phone in circle. Sinner.
Announcements:
Last week’s hash was in South Philly. You missed it.
There’s a tri in New Jersey. Do it.
The Full Moon hash is August 21, and there will be boobs.
After that, we drank more, and then Snap Off and Sausage ate General Tso’s chicken off of The Rash‘s cleavage. It was weird, but don’t ask any questions–it was all part of Rimmer’s personal fantasy.
Awesome — love it!!! GDO, you are forgiven
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I don’t understand your cryptic labels, who was auto-hashing?
Mine was General Tso’s VEGAN chicken actually…Available at Whole Foods and not half bad.