So, I was loafing around the bar at some point during the hash and noticed a couple who were looking decidedly cuddly and affectionate.  Which is fine.  Then I watched the male member of this couple move in to kiss the female, leading with his tongue, like a KC-10 extending a refueling boom into the UARSSI (Universal Aerial Refueling Receptacle with Increased Accommodation)¹ of an F-15 Eagle.  And I thought to myself two things:  

1. I would like to make a completely obscure analogy to describe this, and

2. Lately I’ve noticed that there are a lot of couples in the hash – a LOT more than we’ve had before, or at least a lot more who are openly admitting it.  Maybe we should just set a few friendly guidelines down for appropriate couple behavior.  Guidelines like these (which are actually from here, but still work for us): 

“… a little nuzzling is okay. Hold hands, smooch, I don’t judge you. I don’t really want to see tongue, but I can live with it. I CANNOT, however, live with seeing the ENTIRETY of two tongues, or tongues in EARS, or hands down PANTS, or, for the sweet love of little apples, THRUSTING. The bra-hook fumble is NOT intended for AN AUDIENCE, okay? Get all the way under the stairs, or better yet, GET A ROOM!”² 

So, now that we’ve gotten all of that out of the way, onto the hash: 

This evening’s festivities commenced at Cavanaugh’s, which was delightfully free of clueless college students because it’s summertime. Showing up tonight were Deep Discunt, Cleavage to Beaver, S&M Man, Son of a Goatf*cker, Fruit of the Clue, Goes Down Often, Mediocre and Stupid, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Just Becky, Just Tristan, Just Buck (Just Tristan and Just Buck are not gay, y’all, they just want you to know that), Just Sean, Just Cheryl, Just Carolyn, Just Steve, Just Martin (alleged husband of Bonsai Bush), Rear Engineer, The Rash, One Inch In, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Reginal Discharge, Second Cumming, Just Ed, Big Tackle, Just Ari, One Night Only, Europe’en On Me, Target, Dr. Squealgood, Fire Down Under, Scooby Snatch, Working Girl, Sleeps Around the Cock, Beefcake Strokitoff, Ass Ventura, RaidR, Virgin Pimp, and Just Liz.

 

One Inch In had already volunteered to hare the trail, and Midnight Tranny thoughtfully volunteered to help him out.  Out the door they went, and a few minutes later the Mob piled out and pretended to listen to Scooby Snatch give instructions before wandering off to find trail. Trail led roughly straight to the first beer check on the lower level of 30^th St.  Now, before the hash, Rear Engineer had hidden a 30 pack of High Life underneath a traffic barrel while a security guard looked on bemusedly.  This same security guard was waiting for us when we rolled up, pretty certain that there was not actually a running club, and that One Inch In and Midnight Tranny were just actually planning to slyly pick up a kilo of coke from a dead drop the second he turned his back. HA, we fooled him! The beer was rescued and swilled and the Mob was off again, this time winding confusedly through the Penn campus before arriving happily at a second beer check at Smokey Joe’s.  Here, Just Buck showed us all why he’s still single by initiating this shouted exchange with a blond from across the room: 

Just Buck: “Hey, you have a wine mustache”

Blond: “What?”

Just Buck: “You have a WINE MUSTACHE”

Blond: “…What?”

Just Buck: “YOU HAVE A WINE MUSTACHE. A WINE MUSTACHE. WINE MUSTACHE” [makes international gesture for Dirty Sanchez]

Blond: [makes international facial expression for “the f*ck?”] 

The best part?  She was drinking white wine. 

Thoroughly amused, (well, me, anyway) the Mob once again finished their beers and tore off around the corner back to Cavanaugh’s, which amazingly, let us back in.  The Mob wandered down to the basement and stood around while they waited for Circle to start. 

 

Circle: 

Hares: One Inch In, Midnight Tranny to Georgia

 

Virgins: Just Carolyn, Just Ari, Just Julia, Just Martin

First In/Last In: Snap Off, Just Buck

 

Hat violation: Just Buck, plus under the When One First In/Last In Drinks Rule, Snap Off, then Big Tackle entered to fulfill the “Last In” portion of First In/Last In, the under the When One GM Drinks rule, Rear Engineer and S&M Man

Hairpiece violation: S&M Man, but the When One [BlahDeBlooDeBlah] Drinks rule was waived

Comes Latelies: Bonsai Bush, Just Liz, Just Darran, Nappy Headed Ho, and some people I can’t read.

Autohashers: Where’s My Vagina, Jingle Balzzz, Just Darran, H2Hoe, Grab My Handlebars, Softcore Analyst, Nappy Headed Ho, Snip & Tuck

 

Accusations: 

Ok, one more short rant:  Look.  We have a limited amount of hash beer. And let me assure you, nothing bad will happen if we don’t drink it all in Circle.  An occasional round of And When ONE GM Drinks! is fine and expected and, frankly, patriotic.  An unrelenting volley of f*ckin’ inter-related, Six-degrees-of-When ONE GM Drinks! + When ONE Yellow Shirt Drinks! + When ONE Person Who Went to the Dentist This Week Drinks! + When ONE Person Who Starts Picturing Venn Diagrams At this Point Drinks!, just because you have one person in mind that you want to get drunk so you can take advantage of them? Bad. Look, wankers, you’re cutting into MY valuable drinking experience.  If you want to fondle an unsuspecting hasher in the corner, buy them shots like a normal person! God. Amateurs. Anyway, accusations: 
 
Racist behavior: Scooby Snatch, Just Sean, One Inch In, Fire Down Under, and

under the When One Hare Drinks rule, Midnight Tranny,

under the When One Person in an Obscenely Yellow T-Shirt rule, Rear Engineer, and under the When One GM Drinks rule, S&M Man and Big Tackle

See how annoying it is?

 

Hat violation: Fire Down Under

Eating in Circle: Deep Discunt

 

Some random car sh*t: Mediocre & Stupid

Using a porta-potty on trail: Just Buck

 

Molesting a virgin in the circle: Goes Down Often

Alcohol Abuse: Dr. Squealgood, Deep Discunt

 

Stepping in roadkill: Just Buck

 

Late-breaking autohasher: E=My Cock Squared

Drinking directly from the pitcher: Reginal Discharge

 

Throwing a great party: Midnight Tranny, Grab My Handlebars

For trying to apply to Muff for a Dos Equis job: Just Tristan

 

And Under When One [some random horsesh*t] Drinks: Mr. Muff, Just Buck

And for something (I couldn’t hear, you f*ckers are loud): Sleeps Around the Cock 

On On,

The Rash 

 

1. Technical terms courtesy of Little F*ckin’ Winkie: First BFM GM, former KC-10 crew chief, and probably sitting around naked right now.

2.  Bunting, S. “So You’re Going to a Rock Show.” Accessed 7/10/2009.

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