This week’s Hash commenced in Northern Liberties at the Druid’s Keep. 

 

Who came: Ass Ventura, Tickle My Elmo, Beefcake Stokeitoff, Deep Discunt, Fruit of the Clue, Dog Man, Where’s My Vagina?, Mediocre and  Stupid, Snap-off, Son of a Goatfucker, Softcore Analyst, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Working Girl, Sleeps Around the Cock, Panic Button, Hold the Sausage, Holy Fuck, Rear Engineer, Just Bill, 2 Clump Chump, Short Distance Rimmer, Bitchard, Grab My Handlebars, 1 Inch In, Big Tackle, Just Martin, Gayzelle, Cause 4 Blindness, Goes Down Often, Flounder, Cousin It, Up Her Ali, just Rick, Subcuntinent, Just Steve, Just Dieter, Just Derek, Just Tom, Just Shannon, Goes Down Often

 

Holy Fuck and Panic Button hared, and little did the mob know what it was in for.    Trail wound around Northern Liberties, through the Liberties Walk and/or Piazza, and then headed south, past McFadden’s, Paddy’s, and any number of perfectly acceptable beer checks.   At the small wooded area near, well, Wood Street, they led trail up rocks and hills and then jerked the trail right back down again.  Typically hares lead the pack through the various hobo camps in that area, but those wily hares tricked the mob while courteously letting the homeless drink in peace. 

 

Trail went straight past Sugar Mom’s with no “Beer Near.”  After a circle jerk off 3^rd street, the trail passed Drinkers, and again there was no “Beer Near.”     At this point there was a little hysteria among the pack until trail headed north on 2^nd street (making it the biggest circle jerk of all) where a beautiful BN was found and, much to the relief of the pack and the detriment of the bar’s usual patrons, the beer check was indeed at Sugar Mom’s.    There the hashers pounded very large cans of PBR to cool off after the long trail and the discovery that the Eagles had just signed Michael Vick.

 

Trail then went On In to Druid’s Keep where hashers strategically and malodorously positioned themselves in the path of air conditioning vents.   The RAs then ordered everyone out back for a rare legal and loud outside
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Circle:

 

Hares: Holy Fuck and Panic Button

 

Virgins: Just Dieter (Derek and Tom), Just Shannon (Subcuntinent), Just Tom (ibid)

 

Visitors:

Dog Man (we lost him on trail and he didn’t find his way back to the bar until the end of Circle.  Apparently when you see “On In” at an Alabama Hash, the trail doesn’t continue for another mile and a half.)

Just Derek (PH3), told a joke that would have been funny had he kept it this short (and trust me this is comparatively short): A penguin is having some car troubles so he takes his car to a mechanic.  While waiting for the mechanic’s estimate, the penguin buys a vanilla ice cream cone and, because of his poor flipper-grip, gets the ice cream all over his face and flippers.   When the mechanic finished evaluating the penguin’s car, he found the penguin and said, “Looks like you blew a seal.” And the penguin said, “No, no.  It’s just ice cream.”

Just Tom (told the Michael Jackson joke from last week and lost some major points with the hash)

 

1st in: Snap-off

 

Last in:  Dog Man

 

Cums Lateleys: Holy Fuck, Panic Button, Beefcake Strokeitoff, Ass Ventura, Tickle My Elmo, Gayzelle, Deep Discunt, Handlebars, 1 Inch In, Bitchard, Just Rick

 

Auto Hashers: Flounder, Cause, Cousin It, GDO, Just Shannon, Just Steve, Subcuntinent

 

Violation: Just Rick – hat

 

Accusations (there are a lot; you really don’t have to read them all):

Bonsai Bush for being a racist

Where’s My Vagina? for tech on trail and for keeping tabs on 1.)Trail length 2.) Time at the beer check 3.) Total time on trail   (In fact, she kept tabs on everything but her vagina)

Snap-off: over-achieving FRB (When she returned from the beer check she ran around the block so she wouldn’t be “too ahead” of the rest of the pack.)

Deep Discunt for wearing a pearl necklace

Rear accused Just Steve of depriving the Hash of Subcuntinent

Rimmer for not liking Cousin It’s meat

Cousin it for not having enough meat

Just Derek and Just Tom had to drink from their shoes for not telling their virgin not to wear new shoes

Tranny for warning Just Derek and Just Tom who were in their socks and about to drink from their shoes not to step in the pool of beer that had collected on the ground during this long-ass circle

Soft-core for making Big Tackle miss the Phillies

Working Girl and Sleeps around the Cock for eating cookies on trail

1 Inch In for seeing a playground on trail, saying, “Oooh! Playground!”, and then getting locked inside

Gayzelle for draining the lizard on trail

Bonsai and Handlebars for promised shirtlessness without delivery (technically they took off their tops, but not their sports bras, and in the Phallocentric reign, this just doesn’t cut the mustard)

Gayzelle for sporting a Kutztown fencing t-shirt

GDO for not remembering how to ride a bike

MediStu for saying she read “every second” of an article

 

Announcements:

The dynamic duo “Often Stupid” will be haring a Back to School i.e. Naughty Coed hash for the Full Moon (Friday August 21^st @ Krupa’s – 27^th and Brown)

 

 

Circle ended much to the joy of the hashers as well as the surrounding neighborhood.    Afterwards a random South Carolinian approached our group and asked for a volunteer to be photographed wearing an ugly, frilly, pink shirt which would then be posted on a website dedicated to ugly, frilly, pink shirts.   Fruit of the Clue stepped up and in to the shirt, and about 15 hashers gathered around to join in the picture only to find that the battery had died in the S. Carolinian’s camera.   So alas, unless you were there, you’ll never see Fruit looking as pink or as frilly.  But, take heart; I hear he’s looking for the running shorts equivalent to that shirt.  

 

On, On,

Little Red Riding Wood