So, perhaps you’ve noticed that a lot of hashes involve dressing up in silly outfits (toga hashes, Halloween, etc).  Some of them even seem to insist on silly and revealing outfits (lingerie hashes, Halloween, etc.)  But some of you are shy. (Ok, two of you. Maybe.)  For those wankers who desperately want to traipse around in public in nothing but a sparkly thong and pasties, but still think you might still run for public office someday, here’s a suggestion from the lingerie hash in New Orleans, a city where wandering around in the street in your underpants is not so much an “event” as it is “Thursday night.” While at the Red Lingerie run that’s the pre-lube to the Red Dress Run  I noticed one male hasher wearing nothing but 2 thongs, one in the traditional thong region, and the other on his head.  Why?  He knew a lot of people would want pictures with him and his ensemble, and the thong on his head was to obscure his face in photos.  Brilliant.  So for you closet exhibitionists, there’s your solution.  Underwear on your face.  

 

Tonight’s hash commenced at the Triangle Tavern.  When I showed up, there were already bunch of people hanging out and drinking, none of whom I knew because they were all either virgins or the eighteen hundred people who started hashing while I was away for three weeks.  Tonight we had Just Victoria, Just Karen, Just Bill, Just Anne-Marie, her sister You’ll Do, Second Opinion, who says he’s from Shanghai but has lived in Philadelphia for 2 years, Betty Shocker (from Asheville), Just Peter, Just Julia, Reginal Discharge, Big Tackle, Son of a Goat F*cker, Virgin Pimp, Lick Hymen, Flounder, Cause for Blindness, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Grab My Handlebars, Just Liz, Sh*tty Date, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, 2 Clump Chump, Banzai Bush, Just Martin, S&M Man, Jingle Balzzz, Sleeps Around the Cock, Working Girl, Just Mark (from Pittsburgh), Scooby Snatch, The Rash, and Fruit of the Clue.  Slightly lost without their Phallocentric Tyrant, the Mob still managed to get it together and draw straws. Jingle Balzzz was the lucky winner and hustled out the door with his bag of flour.  With all the smooth precision of a prison riot, the Mob poured out the door five minutes later and after some gentle herding (“NO, over HERE, jackasses!”) managed to gather ‘round and listen Scooby give chalk talk and watch Cause take her shirt off.  After feigning interest, the Mob scampered off to find trail.

 

And I guess they did.  Big Tackle said afterward that trail was good, someone else said it was short, and that was about all you really need to know.  I’m allegedly injured, so I stayed at the bar.  Where I sat, uncomfortably, between Fruit of the Clue and a man who described, in loving detail, having sex with poundcake, as well as where to get the best one in the city for that sort of thing.  (Stock’s on Lehigh. Perverts.)

 

I should’ve done trail. 

 

Anyway, the Mob returned and piled in all sweaty to the bar and started clamoring for beer.  Reginal Discharge wrangled hash cash and bought beer, and finally the Mob managed to organize themselves into Circle.

 

The Circle:

Hare: Jingle Balzzz

Virgins: Just Victoria, Just Karen (both via Just Julia) Just Bill (via This Asshole in Florida)

Visitors: You’ll Do (who told this joke: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month!), Just Anne-Marie (who told the hardest thing about rollerblading joke), Just Mark (who did something, but it wasn’t the option, regrettably), Second Opinion, (who attempted the chorus of America the Beautiful and was immediately made to drink for it. Sly Fox and The Rash immediately followed up with the theme from the Love Boat), and Betty Shocker (who sang a hash song, I think).

First In/Last In: Reginal Discharge, Working Girl

Autohashers: The Rash, Fruit of the Clue, Cleavage to Beaver

Comes Latelies: Just Peter, Lick Hymen, Just Liz, Sly Fox, Sh*tty Date

Headgear: Sly Fox

 

Accusations:

 

For feeling vulnerable: Fruit of the Clue

For something about being an FRB: Lick Hymen

For wearing those bike shorts and accusing Lick Hymen: Mr. Snuffleupamuff

For not knowing Muff’s name when he accused him: Sh*tty Date

R*cists: Just Martin, Grab My Handlebars, S&M Man, Midnight Tranny, 2 Clump Chump, Fruit of the Clue, Banzai Bush, Cleavage to Beaver, Scooby Snatch

For being too sick to r*ce: Reginal Discharge

For wearing pants too tight to pants: Jingle Balzzz

For not beating up Fruit of the Clue: The Rash

For almost missing the triathlon because she was hittin’ it: Grab My Handlbars

For announcing the tailgate every damn week, then not showing up: Scooby Snatch

 

Birthday side-sides: Flounder, S&M Man

 

Announcements:

 

Philly Full Moon: Tonight! (8/21) Naughty Coed hash, hared by Goes Down Mediocre (or Often Stupid. Whatever).  Look the details on fullmoon.phillyhash.com.

You want On-On foot magnets?  Muff has ‘em. $3.

 

Overheard at the Hash:

 

Virgin Pimp: “Oh yeah, baby, assume the position!”

Sly Fox: [freaks out]

 

Harriette 1: I wanted to accuse [hasher that won’t be named here], but he didn’t come.

Harriette 2: Oh, but he did.  Twice.

 

2 Clump Chump:  The more you put out, the less I’ll pay attention.

 

On On,

The Rash

 

5 Responses to “BFM#287 – Flock of Virgins”

1. One Inch In says:

   August 21, 2009 at 9:28 am

   Come on Rash, everyone knows Stocks has the best pounding cake
2. GDO says:

   August 21, 2009 at 10:17 am

   Hey! I may do many stupid things in my life, thereby earning the proxy M&S title, but nothing–NOTHING–I do is mediocre.
3. The Rash says:

   August 21, 2009 at 12:07 pm

   I was really trying to avoid a “And that’s why they call it poundcake” joke, you know.
4. Gator Ate My Penis says:

   September 9, 2009 at 12:47 pm

   I’m very honored that I got written-up in your trash as “This Asshole in Florida.”

   On-on
   GatorAte
   is IT in you?
5. Just Bill says:

   September 10, 2009 at 4:35 pm

   Oops…sorry about that, GatorAte My Penis.
   I couldn’t remember who made me come.
   Again.