BFM #288 We keep ‘em cumming for more
I haven’t been a hasher all that long, but I’ve learned a few things in my tenure: Journey is best sung karaoke style, PBR at Bonner’s always tastes like bananas, and everyone loves a Ho. But more than anything, I’ve learned that the BFM is like cheesesteaks and sex—once you’ve had it the way we do it in Philly, you don’t want it any other way.
Why else would we have hashers from Boston, D.C. and mother F’ing Japan all in one week?
If you missed it, and you should be shunned if you did, here’s who came:
Fruit of the Clue, Fire Down Under, Where’s My Vagina? Sloppy Headed Ho, Scammin Ol’ Ladies, Very Merry Cunt So Hairy, Randy Dykes, Just Victoria, Just Karen, Just Jessica, Just Bill, One Night Only, Raidr, Two Clump Chump, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Just Rebecca, Son of a Goat Fucker, STD (the Bostonian), Just Luke, Just Mark, Mr. Snuffumpamuff, Just Liz, Lick Hymen, Target, Dr. Squealgood, AssVentura, Beefcake Stroke It Off, One Night Only, Nappy Headed Ho, Big Tackle, Snap Off, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, One Inch In, Deep Discunt, Raginal Discharge, Cleavage to Beaver, S&M Man, Virgin Pimp, Post Anal Drip, Just Craig, Grab My Handlebars, Holy Fuck, Rear Engineer, The Rash, Scooby Snatch and the BFM flag
For those of you with sharp eyes, you’ll notice a few interesting things. First, we let Sloppy, Scammin and STD all come back for an evening. You’d think we’d know better. We don’t.
You’ll also note that we had the triumphant return of the BFM flag. Didn’t know we had one? That’s because you’re new, just like the rest of the hash. In fact, I think the only people who knew we had a flag were European—who made it (and should probably be renamed Betsy Toss’d)—and STD, who dragged it back from a two-year hiatus on the Left Coast. I assume it went missing because of something He’s a Lesbian did, but I’m pretty sure no one actually knows.
Now that we have both Stan 3.0 and our flag back—and we’ve agreed to never let HAL touch any mascot ever again–we can get back to what we were born to do: toss flour all over the city, freak out the locals, and drink ridiculous amounts of PBR.
The person most excited to do that: Snap Off. In fact, she was so freaking happy about going out and running that she managed to snare the hares, but forgot to de-pants either one of them. Don’t worry, she drank for that. So did the hares. In fact, a lot of people drank for a lot of stupid stuff. Here are the highlights:
Hares—Midnight Tranny, Just Rebecca, Snap Off
Virgins—Just Mark, Just Luke, Just Jessica
Visitors—
Very Merry Cunt So Hairy She showed her boobs. Fruit of the Clue almost passed out.
STD Sang a song
Randy Dykes I don’t know what he did, but my notes say “Come on a ga” and then it gets jumbled. Use your imagination.
FRB/DFL—AssVentura, One Night Only
Cums Lately—Scammin, Sloppy
Autohashers—Cleavage to Beaver, S&M Man, Virgin Pimp, Grab My Handlebars
Accusations:
Rear Engineer for being an idiot
Target for not molesting teenagers
Rear Engineer for having a boyfriend in Seattle who gives him clothes (?)
Post Anal Drip for cheating on us
Reginal Discharge for bitching about having too much beer (let her stay in Japan with an attitude like that…)
Muff for not motorboating Discharge in the circle
One Inch In and Scooby for being racists
Holy Fuck for tech in circle
Just Craig for asking for an elevator on trail
Second Coming for going to the desert without getting dessert
Lick Hymen for being orange like a Reese’s Cup
Me for thinking circle had gone on to flippin long
Holy Fuck for menstruating
Nappy Headed Ho for being the wettest auto hasher since S&M Man learned to turn on Cleavage’s remote vibrator
Announcements:
Snap Off wants you to buy her like a dirty, mail-order Russian bride. Or maybe she just wants you to buy her registration for PDR. I can’t remember which.
Big Tackle wants you to dive in to 3 Balls’ barn on Sept. 26
Two Clump wants to show you what happens to bad little hashers when the Full Moon comes out.
Overheard:
“I can’t hear you with your shirt on.” Someone to the now-dressed Very Merry Cunt So Hairy
“You can’t ride a nipple Reverse Cowgirl.” Sloppy Ho
“Do I have to sit on the wet spot here, too?” Cleavage to Beaver
I notice no mention of ninja humping, which was clearly the true highlight of the evening.
I thought her name was Mary Mary Cunt So Hairy? It would make more sense.
What bar was this at? When I was onsec we had standards.
We have different standards, like spelling and grammar rules.