BFM #299: J’Accuse!
So I woke the morning after this hash with a pounding post-PBR headache, melted cheese all down the front of my shirt, and, mysteriously, no pants. That’s the sign of a good hash, kids. Shoot for that.
This evening’s hash found the Mob at Vesuvio’s a bar near the Italian Market that was popular in the early days of the BFM because it had an enormous bean bag chair in the foyer. The bean bag chair is now gone (not our fault)(I think), but the copious amounts of PBR still remain. And tonight the siren song of a beer second only to Milwaukee’s Best and only marginally better than Hamm’s lured out S&M Man, Fire Down Under, The Rash, Rear Engineer, Short Distance Rimmer, Attila the Hung, Randy Dykes!, Where’s My Vagina, Cleavage to Beaver, Grab My Handlebars, Just Erin, Just Kelly, Just Anne (who is hysterical, y’all, you have to stand next to her for a while), Son of a Goatf*cker, Scooby Snatch, Working Girl, Tube C*ck, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, One Night Only, C*nting Season, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Hold the Sausage, He’ a Lesbian, and Bonsai Bush.
The Mob piled their bags in the upstairs and stood around telling dead baby jokes until it occurred to them that there was actually hashing to be done, and so wandered back downstairs and out the door and stood patiently while Scooby and/or Sausage shouted instructions at them that they never listen to anyway. Then the Mob trundled off into the night in search of trail laid by the the volunteeer hares, Cleavage to Beaver and Where’s My Vagina. The Mob was in a singing mood tonight, strangely, and someone made up a song about arrows and sombreros, and then some song about something else, but I’d stopped paying attention and lost my pencil, so that’s lost to history. Oh well. The Mob wound around the Italian Market, across Passyunk, cheered on a PPA agent giving someone a ticket, and were juuuuust starting to complain about the cold and the rain and general length of trail when they arrived at the first beer check. Where’s My Vagina thoughtfully provided her delightfully tiny apartment and similarly delightful tiny beers to the Mob after first threatening them with death if they didn’t take their shoes off first. Several people interpreted "shoes" to mean "pants" because the Mob is not all that bright. Now let me just say, if I want to see you with your pants off, I will convey this to you personally. You can stop volunteering your tuchis now. Thank you.
Anyway, back to trail. Beers drunk, the Mob dutifully put their shoes back on and trotted back out into the rain and our resident Phallocentric Tyrant began complaining mightily about having to go back out into the rain, but was cut short when he realized that the next beer check was at Cleavage to Beaver‘s place, who lives exactly two doors down. Awesome. Best beer check placement ever. After Cleavage enforced her 3 Kamikaze Minimum on all present, the Mob wobbled back out into the night and back to the bar.
I have a bunch of random notes that I don’t have a place for in the trash, but apparently were worth writing down, so here goes: Cleavage shoved someone’s hat down her pants; someone, not sure who, wants to see the entire Hogwart’s Faculty naked, Nappy Headed Ho and Virgin Pimp shared a tender kiss; there’s a Pommie Hash in California now that He’s a Lesbian revived with no website and no email so good luck with that; Attila the Hung stole the detention book in high school, I think this can still go on his permanent record, and Just Kelly was inordinately proud of running trail. Also, He’s A Lesbian presented the BFM with their very own horn, which he bought at a yard sale in Seattle, so now we can shortcut trail at full volume. And that’s it I think. Now, gird your loins, because apparently we had two cases of PBR and a mission to get everyone in the vicinity utterly plowed, so the circle and accusations went on forever. I wrote them all down, so you better well read them all, dammit.
Circle
Hares: Cleavage to Beaver, Where’s My Vagina
Virgins: Just Erin, Just Kelly via Grab My Handlebars
Comes Latelies: Hes a Lesbian, Attila the Hung, Dr. Squealgood, Piss Cycle, Working Girl, C*nting Season
First In/Last In: Bonsai Bush, Deep Discunt (who was not technically last in, she autohashed, but wanted a beer)
Authashers: Piss Cycle, One Night Only, He;s a Lesbian, Dr. Squealgood, Virgin Pimp, Nappy Headed Ho, Jingle Balzzz, Deep Discunt, Just Erin, One Inch In, Mediocre & Stupid
Accusations:
For coming to Vesuvio’s so often she has a sandwich named after her: Where’s My Vagina, and under the When One Hares rule, Cleavage to Beaver
Tech in Circle: One Inch In
For not knowing his own name: Tube C*ck, Son of a Goatf*cker
For his "Mr Fantastic" shirt: Attila the Hung
For coming by herself and still getting a pearl necklace: One Night Only
For an obscenely tight shirt: Scooby Snatch
General Stan Accusation; He’s a Lesbian
For Being a Steven Seagal Impersonator: Dr. Squealgood
To honor all the Vets: He’s a Lesbian, Working Girl, Piss Cycle
For having an endless supply of ones: Grab My Handlebars
For having a small apartment: Nappy Headed Ho
New Shoes, per usuale: Mediocre & Stupid
For mistaking pants for shoes: Fire Down Under, S&M Man
For feeling up the concrete statue in the bar: S&M Man
For bringing out more family: Grab My Handlbars
For changing schools to make the BFM: Piss Cycle
And when One Vet Drinks: He’s a Lesbian, Working Girl
For having p*ssy all over her apartment: Where’s My Vagina, plus Cleavage under the When One Hares rule
For personally thanking a vet: Sleeps around the C*ck
And all the vets again: He’s a Lesbian, Working Girl, Piss Cycle
For being justifiably bitchy about having to write all this sh*t down: The Rash
For still hearing his Philles sweatshirt: Virgin Pimp
Alcohol abuse: Scooby
For being a big Canadian: Tube C*ck
For meeting women…somewhere inappropriate probably: Two Clump Chump
And then Fruit of the Clue showed up and drank three down-downs in succession: for skipping the hash to go to book club, for the bathtub photo, and for making it past Dr. Squealgood‘s spam filter.
No, wait! there’s more:
Complaining about the bathrooms smelling like pee: Bonsai Bush
According to my notes, using a hairdryer in circle: Where’s My Vagina
And finally, for knocking over the beer can pyramid that had been steadily building this whole time: Nappy Headed Ho.
Announcements:
Philly marathon beer check: Located at mile 21 and mile STFU. Bring $10 and have scrapple and booze til your body hates you. Vegetarian options as well, ask Sausage if you have questions.
Philly marathon beer check post party at Two Clump‘s place!
Philly AGM: December 3rd, same as always. Check Phillyhash.com for details.
Philly Full Moon: December 4th
New Year’s Eve hash to be held on New Year’s Eve. Details to follow.
Overheard at the Hash
Cleavage to Beaver: "Say nudity, please say nudity."
One Inch In: "Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve confused this with Nipple Monthly"
On On,
The Rash
Rash, it’s a beeramid, not a ‘beer can pyramid’; get yer terminology right, you dork!