BFM #300 A New Milestone in Mob Rule
November 19th marked the 300th Hash of the Ben Franklin Mob! The mob gathered at Bonners to mark this special occasion, and sweet screaming monkeys, there were a lot of you: Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Rear Engineer, Just Bill, He’s a Lesbian, E=MyCock², Big Tackle, S&M Man, Hold the Sausage, 1 Inch In, Short Distance Rimmer, 2nd Cumming, 2 Clump Chump, Fruit of the Clue, Son of Goatfucker, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Fire Down Under, Dr. Squealgood, Reginal Discharge, Scooby Snatch, Popeye’s Bitch, Working Girl, Where’s My Vagina, Target, Mediocre and Stupid, Sleeps Around the Cock, Deep Discunt, Cleavage 2 Beaver, Chernoblow, Stumpy Starter Wood, Softcore Analyst, Grab My Handlebars, Jingle Ballzzz, Just Anne, Bonsai Bush, Tube Cock, Cunting Season, Virgin Pimp, Sex Tonight Denied, Post Anal Drip, Nappy Headed Ho, Dumpster, Jubal, Just Rick, Up Her Ali, Strap On
In an uncharacteristically organized way, 3 sets of hares laid 3 trails to celebrate the 3 hundred hashes of the Ben Franklin Mob: Eagle, Turkey, and Walker. During chalk talk, the hares gave mysterious warnings to the pack, such as, “if you take the Turkey trail, whatever you do, don’t look down after the shot check” and “after the beer check, be sure to take the stairs, not the elevator, or you could end up some place you don’t want to be.”
The Turkey and Eagle trails first lead to the Art Museum were some tasty Jello shots were served, albeit a bit late, since the pack arrived at the shot check before the car with the shots. I never did find out what happened to the Walkers…
After the shot check, the Turkey and Eagle trails split. I opted for the Turkey trail because I was intrigued by the chalk talk warning. So after downing a few Jello shots heavily infused with vodka, I followed the Gobble-gobble calls of Bonsai Bush and we came to a see-through platform that stretches across the newly constructed, underground parking garage of the art museum. The bottom, which is about 2 stories below the platform, is HIGHLY visible. If you know anyone who is really afraid of heights who you don’t like, I strongly suggest you bring them here for a walk some day. Rain came and since those who choose Turkey over Eagle are generally lazy, weak, or injured, we by-passed trail and headed straight to the beer check at Rear’s pad.
The Eagle trail was apparently Traintastic, as a train crossed trail and held up the hashers for a couple verses of “Jesus can’t go hashing cause a train is in the way. “ When the train finally stopped, it did so just as a flatbed car was passing over trail, so the hashers climbed through the train and continued on their way.
At the aforementioned beer check on Rear’s sweet roof-deck, the Eagle, Turkey, and most likely Walker trails merged. We caroused amid the city rooftops, until Rear decreed that there was a meal back at Bonner’s, and since food is one of the 3 things that most motivate hashers, we hightailed out of there.
The crew at Bonners served up a phallic menu of wieners and meatballs before the RAs gathered the unruly Mob for an unruly
Circle:
Hares: Rear Engineer, Bonsai Bush, Cleavage to Beaver, Cunting Season, Hold the Sausage, S&M Man
Hashers present at the 300th BFM Hash who were also at the 1st: E=MyCock²
Visitors: Stumpy Starter Wood (told a joke with the punchline “One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.”), Just Whitney (sang Oklahoma!), Popeye’s Bitch (sang U, U, Fuck U.)
FRB/DFL: Randy Dykes, 2nd Cumming
Cums Latelies: STD, Big Tackle, H2Ho, Popeye’s Bitch
Violation: H2Ho – hat!
Auto Hashers: Fruit, Deep Discunt, Rimmer, Reginal Discharge, Target, Just Rick
Accusations:
E for teleconference on trail (it’s amazing what you can get away with if you have a mute button)
Big Tackle for tech on trail
Rear for being late to the shot check
1 Inch In for all talk and no play
Scooby accused Dr. Squealgood of new shoes. Dr. Squealgood accused Scooby of accusing him for the same pair of “new” shoes from the ski trip.
Lesbian for addressing STD as Were Not Voting
Muff for falsely accusing Rear of putting a crooked penis on the t-shirt
Post Anal Drip was more celebrated than accused for “studying” for her big test the right way (it was the following morning)
Rash for not giving out free blow (I’m not sure if I missed a word here or not; I only have “blow” in my notes)
2ndCumming and Just Anne for racism
Rear for making Rash “horny” (via the new bfm horn) and keeping her that way
Working Girl who, rather than waiting for the train to stop or pass, chose to outr*n the train and get around it
Deep Discunt for complaining that there was too much beer in her down down
Muff and Scooby for throwing up during circle (fortunately not in circle)
Bonsai Bush and Tube Cock for buying a house
Birthday side-side – Attila the Hung
Naming:
Just Bill had been coming out on Thursdays for a while now, so the RAs called him into the circle for a naming. Stats: born in Providence, Road Island, favorite farm animal is the sheep, favorite sexual position is his left hand, he teaches or studies ancient Greek, and he brought shitty whisky to the Halloween Hash. Some suggestions were Whiskey Dick, Turd Herder, Uncle Bad Touch, Whisk My Dick, Wrong Turn to Brown Town, Oedipussy Complex, Whiskey Bitch. From among these, Whiskey Dick was deemed most appropriate and so he was baptized in the name of the Mob.
Announcements:
BFM # 304 – December 17th – Festival of Lights Hash hared by Little Red Riding Wood @ the Tap Room on 19th (corner of 19th and Ritner). There will be a walker trail.
BFM #305 – December 24th – Christmas Eve/Hanukkah Hash hared by 2 Clump Chump
BFM #306 – December 31st – New Rear’s Eve Hash. Approx start time of 1pm
And finally, several months ago, I promised to post the words to Cleavage to Beaver’s BFM Stan song:
Beware you other Hashers, who want to steal our Stan.
She’s been around, she’s seen the world by air, and sea, and land.
Her parents here in Philly have to watch her like a hawk,
Cause Stan won’t stop ‘til she’s been on top of every color cock.
She might seem sweet and harmless, but soon you’ll come to see
You’re missing cash, you’ve got a rash, and it burns when you try to pee.
She’s our dirty daughter, she’s Philly’s precious gem,
And if you fuck with Stan you fuck with the whole damn BFM!
Overheard at the Hash:
Harrier: She has some impressive set of Ta Tas.
Harriette: They’re my source of strength, like Samson.
I’ll eat your cock and balls.
I can hold your beer while you show us your boobies!
On On,
Little Red Riding Wood
