The Festivus holiday blew in with a cold winter wind. It was technically still fall for another week, but the cold weather is here and holiday decorations are festooned everywhere. The mood was bright and cheerful, as the holiday of Festivus had begun!

 

As tradition has it, the Mob celebrates by taking a night off from scampering through the streets leaving a trail of white flour. Instead, we walk through the streets, leaving a trail of white flour as we crawl at a snails pace from bar to bar. Fortunately, this pace allowed us to stick together, avoiding being lost on trail, all thanks to the brilliant planning of our grand masturbator, Rear Engineer. Patiently (and soberly) we waited on each corner for Rear to decide which bar we would go to and which direction that bar would be.

 

The pub crawl trail began at Cavanaugh’s on Samson and 18^th, which previously was called Barrington’s. The English mafia had decided that the city of Philadelphia did not have enough bars named Cavanaugh’s, so the name was changed to just that, one year back.  But with a new name came new standards. The Mob was no longer relegated to the basement. We packed in the main bar upstairs, where various delicious beers ran through beverage lines that haven’t seen a cleaning agent in twenty-some years. But at least they had free food. Missed out on that? Yes, you did. The hors d’oeuvres server could not squeeze past you wankers, so she stuck to serving the people on the fringe of the group, which included me. Pen in one had, finger-food in another and a pint glass in the third, I quickly made a list of every hasher who came, checked it twice and headed out into the night as our religious advisor, Hold The Sausage, called us out for the chalk talk. 

 

The remaining attendees of tonight’s festivities were: Holy F*ck who brought a v!rgin named Just Becky. Tickle My Elmo, Dumpster, Just Joanne, Just Anne, Little Red Riding Wood, He’s A Lesbian in his Lurch costume, Big Tackle, Just Holly not to be confused with Holy. Tube C*ck who arrived sockless,  One Night Only, Sternum And Rectum, Cause For Blindness, Flounder, Skin Fiddle, Son Of A Goatf*cker, Whiskey D!ck who was on a hash date with Just Syd (they got a babysitter), Grab My Handlebars, Softcore Analyst, V!rgin Pimp, Raginal Discharge, Bonsai Bush, Jingle Ballzzz (his favorite time of year), Goes Down Often, S&M Man, Short Distance Rimmer, Fruit Of The Clue, Snap Off, Just Karen, Nappy Headed Ho, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Two Clump Chump, Grab My Handlebars, One Inch In, Deep Discunt (both of which had a lovely discussion about porn – true to their names), Working Girl, Sleeps Around The C*ck, Where’s My Vag!na, Mediocre And Stupid, Fire Down Under, Scooby Snatch, Cleavage To Beaver, Up Her Ali, and Just Eileen.  

From Cavanaugh’s we went to Black Sheep, but our front crawling bastard said it was too crowded as they had already booked other Festivus parties. Thus, we circle jerked over to Rendezvous, which is a popular bar for the hashers to hang out in on a non-hash nights. The look on the bartenders face as the 30 of us walked in was priceless. We gathered up seats and merrily shared cups of cheer. Skipping a bar on the pub crawl meant extra time to kill and thus more brain cells to kill, as well as more time to allow conversations to take several wrong turns. But before I could finish my fifth pint glass, off we were for the grueling crawl around the corner and up the stairs to the third floor of Good Dog. I never knew this bar had a second floor. I never knew this bar had a third floor. Four civilians knew this floor existed and we quickly surrounded them. Not to be outdone, two of the civilians bravely (funny how alcohol lowers your inhibitions) joined our circle. They will be referred to as Random Girl V!rgin and Random Boy V!rgin.

 

Just Becky was brought into the circle for her inaugural down-down. It was Holy F*ck who made her come. Just Becky had just moved into holy F*ck’s building and was looking to make thirty friends. The Random Girl V!rgin was pushed into the circle by her supportive civilian friends and rebounded by performing a perfect down-down. With the v!rgins temporarily out of the way, we ridiculed the comes-latelies: Tickle My Elmo, Holy F*ck and Up Her Ali. We had to Festivus babies, so we celbrated their birthdays and gave Fire Down Under and Up Her Ali birthday side-sides. With that nonsense out of the way, it was time for airing of the grievances.

 

Let me count the number of ways you have disappointed me this year. Twenty-five.  And with that, our co-religious advisor, Scooby Snatch, took the Festivus pole and proclaimed that one must be grabbing hold of his pole to air their grievance.

1. Mediocre and Stupid had issues with He’s A Lesbian for losing our beloved mascot, Stan.

2. Fruit Of The Clue was bashed for still has a picture of his family sitting in a bathtub hanging on the wall.

3. V!rgin Pimp acquired a girlfriend this year and is no longer living up to his name.

4. Bonsai Bush had a problem with Raginal Discharge signing up to be an over-achieving-ass-clown and backing down last minute.

5. He’s A Lesbian had a problem with all you Facebook users who are both Farm Family fans and Mafia Wars fans.

6. Deep Discunt was blasted for letting the Phillies lose.

7. Fire Down Under had more issues with He’s A Lesbian for losing Stan.

8. I had issues with Fruit Of The Clue. The BFM list-serve currently has 278 members and each time he emails it, we lose one member.

9.  Cause For Blindness said blah blah blah blah blah.

10. Scooby Snatch had a problem with Cause For Blindness touching his pole.

11. Up Her Ali wanted to know how one man, Big Tackle, could take on so many managerial roles. He was GM of the Philly H3, the Full Moon H3 and the Liberty Bell H3 – all simultaneously.

12. Jingle Ballzzz had issues with Cleavage To Beaver for playing with her ukulele in public.

13. Scooby Snatch asked why in the world Jingle Ballzzz would wear red tighty-whities (which were peaking over his droopy drawers).   

14. I had a problem with all four of you who know the Stan Hash song.

15. He’s A Lesbian called out a mating call. It sounded like: wah wah wah wah.

17. I have something else written here that is unlegible.

16. The S&M Man had issues with Where’s My Vag!na for pimping in his neighborhood.

18. Scooby Snatch had issues with all of you loud halfminds, but really had a problem with how quiet Son Of A Goatf*cker was.

19. Rear Engineer was once again yelled at for publishing the location of the next Hash in an untimely matter. You only have three more months of dealing with that!

20. Cleaveage To Beaver declared: screech screech screech screech.

21. Mediocre And Stupid was disgusted that S&M Man would touch his crotch to the mouth of the Flabongo.

22. Random Boy V!rgin suddenly grabbed the pole and announced: Korean, Korean, Korean, Korean.  He then proceeded to do his down-down by taking a key and shotgunning the PBR Pounder. Overheard were comments of “He did it right” and “Best v!rgin ever”.

23. The S&M Man had big problems with Fruit Of The Clue wearing those crazy shorts all year.

24. S&M Man also complained that Two Clump Chump was too short.

25. Cleavage To Beaver had a grievance against S&M Man for having a buttocks that was way too hairy. She doesn’t like alfalfa sprouts in her salad.

 

I think that about sums it up. The Circle of Festivus was closed for yet another year.

 

Overheard at one of those wrong turns the conversation took:

Little Red Riding Wood: “The bar for next week used to be called Lick Her On The Spot” (or maybe she said Liquor On The Spot. I’m not sure.)

Just Holly: “He has a huge pole” (she was referring to Son Of A Goatf*cker’s huge pole.)

One Inch In in a deep discussion: “Working in a candy store is way different than working in a gynecological clinic because you may have a store of lots of tasty treats out of the hundred, but in a clinic, you might only have one tasty treat of the hundred you encounter." ( I may have paraphrased here.)

Unnamed Female Hasher: “Oh my Goodness, you so look like you have a huge pole up your butt.”

During the fetes of strength (which was a sweaty game of thumbwrestling) one female hasher taunted the other female hasher with: “Why doesn’t she grab my tits!”

  

Announcements:

The next hash will be hared by Little Red Riding Wood in celebration of the annual Running of the Lights. She will set trail through the neighborhoods in South Philly that are known to put on a display that brings people in from all over. This is the one time of the year that neighbors actually speak to each other, in collaboration of bringing together whole blocks of holiday decorations. It’s definitely a sight to see!

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