BFM #308: Dude Descending a Staircase
Dear Penthouse Forum,
Well, I read your letters all the time, and I’ve always thought that those wild scenarios were made up. I never thought it would happen to me! But it did: I went to a hash in Manayunk, and for the first time ever, I wasn’t one of only 4 people who could be bothered to show up.
That’s right, a whole slew of people showed up to T Hogan’s tonight. Big Tackle, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Rear Engineer, the Rash, Snap Off, Scooby Snatch, Two Clump Chump, Swollen Cockpit, Fire Down Under, Slutty When Wet, Just Joanna, Just Shannon, Dancing Fool, One Night Only, Whiskey Dick, One Inch In, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Sleeps Around the Cock, Just Jose, Grab My Handlebars, Tickle My Elmo, Mr, Snuffleupamuff, Raginal Discharge, Target, Mediocre & Stupid, Tube C*ck, Twat of Darkness, and lots and lots of virgins! Just Chris, Just Adam, Just Christian, Just Carrie, and Just Heather, plus a virgin that we picked up on trail, but more on that later.
The Mob wandered about taking serious advantage of mug night at T Hogan’s, and by “serious advantage”, I mean that we bought every single mug and still half the hash didn’t have one. Well, no matter, because there was a rumor going around that there were two(!) beer checks on trail. The Mob piled out of the bar for chalk talk. Suddenly, older hashers, hashers who had experienced the horror of the trail that Two Clump had laid years ago that earned him his renaming (he was previously Red Light School District, remember?) recoiled in terror at the marks on the sidewalk written out in dark blue chalk. “Did you lay trail at night in navy blue chalk AGAIN???” they, cried, despairing, ready to storm back in the bar and refill their mugs. No, no, that was just for chalk talk, calm down. The virgins took the moment to take off running. Apparently they needed to drop something in their car and Just Chris needed to Summon the Earl, but they trotted right back for explanation of the marks. But apparently having already printed out an explanation of hashing from the internet and bringing it with them the virgins thought they knew everything. Thus, they kept running off from the chalk talk trying to find trail until Scooby held them down and explained that it was not a race.
After the formalities, the Mob was finally off, half of them immediately taking off in the wrong direction. Righting themselves, they rejoined the Mob, and starting running uphill. One of the first checks was in front of a bar that already had placed its drunks outside to make helpful suggestions to the Mob. The Mob tried to ignore them as they busily engaged themselves in checking every wrong direction until Two Clump got frustrated and yelled “it’s THAT way, idiots!” Chastised, the Mob took off west, up and down hills. A check at the base of a set of stairs led to more trail through a set of backyards. Another parking lot, another check, and then the Mob came to a huge flight of stairs. Would there be a false at the top? Nope, not this time. The Mob continued up until they saw a BN chalked outside a playground. “Beer Near!!” they cheerfully shouted, and arrived at a dark parking lot and began swilling beer behind a van. Whiskey Dick took this time to explain that “Yahtzee” is actually Yiddish for the numbers one though six, all at the same time. But when would you ever use this? “I don’t know,” he confessed, “I’m not familiar with Yiddish mathematics.” Well, then. Also at this beer check, Just Shannon declared her fervent love of hills. “I love these hills! No, I do! I love running hills!!” Huh. We need to do something about that, y’all.
Full of beer and getting chilly, the Mob took off again, still heading west through Manayunk. Another check lurked at the top of a huge flight of stairs. The Mob peered down “You check.” “No, you check. I’m not giving up the high ground” Finally, Tube C*ck, showing the fortitude that made Canada great, trundled down the steps and reported that the trail just sort of petered out. Finally someone pulled themselves away from their checkhanging and found us some trail a block away. Where were we headed? Roxborough? East Falls? Andorra? Ohio? Nope, we were on our way to the next beer check at the abode of Swollen Cockpit, where Festering Beanie Baby and an injured Post-Anal Drip were waiting. (She had just been in a hockey fight. You should see the other guy.). The Mob gratefully poured into his backyard and swarmed eagerly around the beer first and around the giant freestanding outdoor heater second. After refilling themselves with beer, the Mob wanderded back out into the night, slightly lost and slightly drunk. Sensibly heading east, the Mob made their way back to T. Hogan’s. Oddly enough, the trail back seemed a lot shorter that the trail going out, so I’m going to blame either the neat shortcut at the end that went along the railroad tracks then alongside the abutment to Ridge and magically popped out right across the street from the Wissahickon station, or perhaps a booze-influenced perception of time.
Back at the bar, the Mob danced around excitedly while watching the bartender fill pitchers with beer. Jingle Ballzzz had arrived at the bar in the meantime. After a few of the pitchers had been distributed, Hold the Sausage and Snap Off called me over to let me know that Sausage had seen Snappy’s huge hairy pussy. Ok, then. Sometimes they lace the beer with sodium pentathol, who knew? Let’s see what came out in the circle.
The Circle
Hares: Two Clump Chump, Festering Beanie Baby, Swollen Cockpit
Virgins: Just Chris, Just Christian, Just Heather, Just Adam, Just Carrie, and Just Brad, who was picked up on trail. I missed the actual picking-up, but I did recognize him at the guy who had been staring at us while we ran by like the drunk circus had come to town.
First In/Last In: Short Distance Rimmer, Post Anal Drip, One Night Only
Comes Latelies: Festering Beanie Baby, Target
Autohashers: Jingle Ballzzz, Raginal Discharge, Mr. Shuffleupamuff, Post Anal Discharge
Accusations
For making a phone call on trail: Just Shannon
For doing online hash research for the wrong hash: All the virgins
Tech in circle: Whiskey Dick
For still wearing her race tag on her shoe: Snap Off
For having the biggest pussy that Sausage had ever seen: Snap Off
For leaving us to go to London: One Night Only
For prairie-dogging on trail: Rear Engineer
For wearing a cape: Festering Beanie Baby
And under the When One Hare Drinks rule: Two Clump, Swollen Cockpit, and under the When One Cock Drinks rule: Tube C*ck, Sleep Around the C*ck
For wearing compression tights: Snap Off
For giving Snap Off a ride all the way home: Twat of Darkness
For having a man-crush on Aston Kutcher: Mr. Snuffleupamuff
For some strange stream-of-consciousness accusation: Just Jose
For having a quickie in her car: Just Jose, Grab My Handlebars
For being jealous: Short Distance Rimmer
Announcements:
BUY A T-SHIRT FOR $10, DAMMIT. Raginal Discharge, who did all the work and fronted the money for them is being awfully nice about this, but I’ll find you and staple one on, so let’s do this the easy way and you come buy one from her or Muff. Now.
January 29th, Philly Full Moon presents Do Shots Don’t Get Shot. Bring your own bail money and your own spare liver.
BFM Nominations real soon! Nominate your friends! Nominate your enemies! Nominate your friends’ enemies!
Cousin It, Phillies Tailgate, etc.
Overheard at the Hash
Snap Off: I’m going to drink out of my pants later
Short Distance Rimmer: My nipples are hard.
The Rash: All three?
Just Chris: I’m back! I got nervous and I had to puke.
On On,
The Rash
‘dude descending a staircase’ – isnt that a work by marcel doucheomp?
The very same.
Oops, a typo —– “Post Anal Discharge”
Unless the Drip and the Reginal got hooked up while no one was looking….