BFM #309: Stupefied over Blinding Shorts
As the year of the pallocentric tyranny comes to a close, I feel relief. No longer will I have to worry about bringing pad and pen to the hash. No longer will I have to make time over the weekend to write from notes that I cannot read and from a memory that was impaired by alcohol. To all you who have griped and moaned, it actually is a tough job. Now it’s your turn to take up the role. Go for it!
So this is the end. My last trash. No tears here. But there is some satisfaction. I’d like to thank Raginal Discharge for helping me with this week’s trash and I would also like to thank her assistants, Post Anal Drip and Swollen Cockpit.
On this cold, but clear Thursday night, the Mob met at Callahan’s on South Street. The bar tender was eager to serve us the 23 pitchers of beer. When else does he have more than ten people in his bar? Perhaps he did before the South Street bridge was closed for the 10-year project. Raginal Discharge and I arrived promptly at 7:25, awaiting the 7:30 hash-time. The clock struck 7:30 and no one else was there. But come 7:40 a steady stream of hashers came hustling in from the cold. Come 8:10, they were still arriving. Rear Engineer inquired about the time and shrugged off the idea that we were behind schedule. His ruling era is coming to an end and it’s time to sit back and admire the mess he fostered. In his defense, I think he’s done pretty well with lining up the beer specials. The power of the Mob has helped. Bringing 40 people into a business yields economic power to bargain for reduced prices. Long gone are the days of “14 bucks for a pitcher and take it or leave it.” Heck, perhaps even one day Hashers will have a lobbyist in Washington. A legit one that is.
For now we’ll just enjoy our power in the Philadelphia bars. Incidentally, the word philia, also called brotherly love, is one of the four ancient Greek words for love. In honor of the year of the phallocentric tyranny, I’ve provided you with a list of philias. (I left out some for your protection.)
Abasiophilia: love of people who use leg braces or other orthopedic devices.
Acousticophilia: sexual arousal from certain sounds.
Agalmatophilia: sexual attraction to statues or mannequins or immobility.
Andromimetophilia: love of women dressed as men.
Apotemnophelia: desire to have (or sexual arousal from having) a healthy appendage (limb, digit, or male genitals) amputated.
Autogynephilia: love of oneself as a woman.
Dandrophilia: sexual attraction to trees or other large plants (popularized by the movie Superstar with Molly Shannon).
Eproctophilia: sexual attraction to flatulence.
Katoptronophila: sexual arousal from having sex in front of mirrors.
Klismaphilia: sexual pleasure from enemas.
Macrophilia: sexual attraction to larger people or larger things (including large body organs, such as breasts and genitalia.
Maiesiophilia: sexual attraction to child birth or pregnant women.
Masochism: is the recurrent urge to want to be humiliated, beaten or bound; or made to suffer.
Microphilia: sexual attraction to smaller people and things of smaller sizes (I could insert a comment about half the mob dating Little F*cking Winkie, but I’ll refrain).
Necrophilia: sexual attraction to corpses (Rear Engineer loves to sing a song about this).
Phalloorchoalgolagnia: sexual arousal by experiencing painful stimuli being administered to the male genitals.
Pictophilia: sexual attraction to pictorial pornography/erotic art.
Pluchophilia: sexual attraction to stuffed toys or people in animal costumes, such as theme park characters.
Pyrophilia: sexual arousal through watching, setting, or talking about fire.
Retifism: sexual attraction from shoes.
Sadism: sexual attraction from giving pain.
Schediaphilia: sexual arousal to cartoon characters/situations.
Somnophilia: sexual arousal form sleeping or unconscious people.
Sitophilia: sexual arousal from food.
Spectraphilia: sexual attraction o ghosts.
Telephone scatologia: arousal by making obscene phone calls.
Teratophilia: attraction to deformed or monstrous people.
Transvestic fetishism: sexual attraction towards the clothing of the opposite sex.
Trichophilia: sexual arousal from hair.
Urolagnia: sexual attraction to urine.
Vorarephilia: sexual attraction to being eaten by, and/or eating another person or creature.
Voyeurism: sexual attraction through watching others engage in erotic behavior.
Xenophila: sexual attraction to foreigners (in science fiction it can also mean sexual attraction to aliens.)
Zoophilia: emotional or sexual attraction to animals.
Zoosadism: the sexual enjoyment of causing pain and suffering to animals.
Straws were drawn with Mediocre & Stupid snagging the short one. Hollering for a volunteer to co-hare, she came across another moment of stupidity and picked Cause For Blindness to lay trail with her. Off they went for what was sure to be a truly shitty and short trail. The GM called out the Mob for the chalk talk, led by our two Religious Advisors, Hold The Sausage and Scooby Snatch. “If you find that trail has mysteriously ended, look in the bushes for Cause For Blindness. That’s where she’ll be hiding.” Brought into the circle for detailed instructions were two virgins, Just Steve (who didn’t know his own name) and Just Aliza. It was Fruit Of The Clue who made Just Aliza come (it’s okay, it was done in a kosher way). Just Steve came when Just Adam told him about his extensive internet research of hashing (however Just Adam did a horrible job teaching Just Steve how to drink a beer. Perhaps Just Adam was too worried about stretching before hitting trail).
With the formalities out of the way, off the Mob went for what was surely a circle around a five-block radius, with a beer check at Bonner’s. The hares barely made it back before the Mob and in came everyone for the awaiting pitchers of lager and…..
Circle.
Hares: MediStu and Cause
Virgins: Just Steve and Just Aliza
Front Running Bastard/Bitch: Mother Bates
Dead F’ing Last: Flounder
Comes Lately: Mother Bates, Flounder, Cause For Blindness, Dr. Squeal Good, Scamming Old Ladies (who asked if hash-cash was still $7) and Sternum & Rectum.
Auto-hashers: Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Raginal Discharge, Just Holy, Goes Down Often, Just Ari, Snap Off, Cleavage To Beaver, Dr. Squealgood
Accusations:
Rear Engineer for allowing Cause For Blindness to co-hare.
Fuit Of The Clue for deciding to move to Chicago.
Just Steve for wearing new shoes (the virgin was either spared or it was a false violation).
Twat Of Darkness for coming out in public wearing her construction safety-vest.
Jingle Balls for hosting a hash that no one could remember (sounded acceptable though).
Mr. Snuffleupamuff for leaving the haberdashery stuff at the last hash (but Raginal Discharge is the elected official in charge of haberdashery).
Fruit Of The Clue for getting a job in Chicago, but not at an old department store.
Jingle Balls for emulating Dancing Fool on trail, with his very own trash bag.
Twat Of Darkness for now wearing her day-glow safety-vest in circle.
Just Ari, as well as Sternum & Rectum for dressing like Paul Bunion.
Fruit Of The Clue for moving to Chicago and taking that picture of his family in a bathtub with him.
Holly F*ck for leaving a hash early to watch the Real Housewives of Jersey Shore.
Just Steve for hashing trail in jeans (overachieving).
Post Anal Drip for finding a job and not milking government subsidies.
Fruit Of The Clue for moving to Chicago and taking his shorts with him.
Just Holy for pointing her finger in circle.
Fruit Of The Clue for not giving the Ben Franklin Mob advanced notice of leaving.
Up Her Ali for blaming her case of mono on the hash.
Mother Bates for allowing someone to secure him with a ball and chain.
Fruit Of The Clue for wearing a r*ce ID on his shoe. And Just Aliza too!
Scooby Snatch for ninja-humping.
Midnight Tranny To Georgia and Rear Engineer for conspiring together, growing sinister looking facial hair.
Fruit Of The Clue for being a racist at the Houston Marathon (his 15th – what an overachiever!).
Fire Down Under for being a racist.
Fruit Of The Clue for the impending vomiting that will result from all these down-downs.
(And thus Fruit successfully tossed a full beer over his right shoulder onto S&M Man.
Who else came but got no beer:
Short Distance Rimmer, Chernoblow, Virgin Pimp, Just Chrystine, Just Anne, Whiskey Dick, SoftCore Analyst, Just Joanne, Ride My Handlebars, Bonsai Bush, One Night Only, Son Of Goat F*cker, Tube Cock, Tickle My Elmo, Where’s My Vagina. If you do not find your name anywhere above it because you either did not come or you came after I consumed too much beer.
Announcements:
-The strip-club fund raiser was last night. Raginal and I had a great time and something else was raised.
-Raginal Discharge still has two Year of the Tyranny tee-shirts left (XL only). They are only $10 and buying one will help silence her (and recoup her money).
-Thursday, Jan 28, 2010 is the hash where we nominate officers to mismanage next years meetings of the Ben Franklin Mob. (Shameless plug: Raginal burned out on being HashCash, so I’ve been helping out. I kinda like it. Something about the power without a ton of responsibility. Vote for Muff!
-Friday, Jan 29 is the Philadelphia Full Moon Hash. Theme is “Do Shots, Don’t Get Shot,” featuring a trail through Fairmount with 15 shot-checks. This is an A to B hash. You are not permitted to drive home. Take public transportation for this once-a-year event, or stay with one of your 15 friends in Fairmount.
-Feb 5-7 is the annual hash ski trip at the Seven Springs Ski Resort, Pennsylvania. It is hosted by Every Day is Wednesday H3 and every year the BFM lands their own condo. Registration gets you a condo on the slope, lots of beer, lots of food, lots of skiing on lots of slopes, hot tub party and a pub crawl. Oh, and hash trail if you so choose. Reginal Discharge and I are registered and can provide a ride up.
-BFM’s AGM is in three weeks (I have no idea what AGM is an acronym for, but it is where you get to kick out the current team of misfits and toast the newly-elected officials who will make a valiant effort for the first three months and then say, “aw f*ck it” for the remaining nine months).
-The Philly Hash on Feb 6 is being hosted by Snap Off.
-The Greater Philadelphia Area hash chapters are coming together to host the 2010 Green Dress Hash this coming March. Start looking for that perfect dress now!
-Bay To Breakers Hash weekend in San Fran is May 14-16 with the must-see Pink Tutu Hash on the 17th. If you have never done Bay To Breakers, you have not experienced the country’s largest parade (which you partake in). More details coming from your tour-guide, Where’s My Vagina.
-Cousin It is having the biggest hash-tailgate ever, at a Phillies game this August.
Overheard at the hash:
Just Joanne – “I like wrestling and I like beer.”
Rear Engineer – “Now this is the rowdy hash of the old days that I miss.”
Hold The Sausage: "We could have the ‘Do Shots’ trail go past St Joes hospital just in case of alcohol poisining. But you might go in for poisoning and mistakenly come out with a vasectomy."
Unnamed Harriett – “So say something dirty… I’ll start… I slept with two guys at the same time.”
And with that my friends… the Mob drank themselves into the night. And the era of Mr. Scribeamuff came to a close. The end.
On-on, you f*ck’n f*cks!! ~ Mr. Snuffleupamuff
AGM = Annual General Meeting
or in the Mob’s case, AGM = Another Grand Mess (or Anal Grope Machine?!)