BFM # 314: FBC of our discuntent
On a recent blustery evening the mob gathered at Gallagher’s to indulge in general hash debauchery, and hopefully some after- hours fun once they got word from the SnOMG’s that they didn’t have to report to work on Friday.
Who came: Just the Brown Tip, Slutty When Wet, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Grab My Handlebars, Scooby Snatch, Fire Down Under, Seiz‘er TITs, Mr. Snuffupamuff, Porn to Fail, One Inch In, Bonzai Bush, Cleavage To Beaver, S&M Man, Deep Discunt, Mayor Quimby, Shefelta fish, Where’s My Vagina, Just Emily, One Night Only, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Nappy Headed Ho, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Mediocre and Stupid, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Rear Engineer, Just Snap Off, Tube C*ck, Two Clump Chump, and Soft Core Analyist
Upon rolling into the bar that is at the base of this giant apartment building I found myself pondering many a hash relevant thought: How does this place afford to stay open when there aren’t four dozen thirsty hashers here? Aside from the draw of beer pong (or beirut for those of you pushing 32) I highly doubt that I would this place to be a happening place on any other night. And considering it within stumbling distance of my apartment, it’s now officially on my Philly bucket list.
Anyway, back to the task in my hand: after a quick draw of the straw, Just the Brown Tip and I set out to attempt to lay trail — attempt being the operative word here, because suddenly, the wind had decided to wage an all-out sideways assault on anyone and anything who decided it would be necessary to remain vertical.
Not deterred by the bluster, JTBT enthusiastically declared that it was her virgin lay after nine years of hashing with assorted kennels. Hot dog! Excited to be the only co-hare to pop her trail-laying cherry we sprang off towards the Art Museum. From there, trail wound upward to a false at the fourth landing of the steps, and split down around the rear, crossed Pennsylvania to meet up with Green Street. Once on Green, we separated; I continue south to Trash Garden Street to set the beer check, and JTBT headed north to her nearby casa to set another false.
What happens next will likely make BFM history, or at the very least be a mainstay in every chalk talk from now until Cause for Blindness stops demanding that we arrow the checks for walkers:
JTBT, in all of her fabulous virgin-laying glory, got caught up in the heat of the moment and laid an “FBC.” This evidently incited such uproarious pandemonium, you would have thought someone had threatened to julienne Stan 3.0 into 834 pieces and bake her into this cake.
“Fucking back check?”
”False back check?”
“Follow boy checking…?”
These were some of the very uneducated guesses made as the pack fumbled and second-guessed themselves whilst tiny pieces of acid rain turned snow continued to make it’s way up their exposed orifices. I mean, come on people! When a slightly confusing trail mark diverges on a yellow piss-covered Philly street, don’t be the lone hasher and long stand. Go to the last mark. And remember, such trail misadventures is how some our best and brightest have gotten named (ahem Two Clump Chump and Short Distance Rimmer.)
Finally, someone with half a half-mind realized that Midnight Tranny to Georgia knew where the beer check followed him in, which was soon followed by the on-in, at which point there was circle:
Hares:
Mediocre and Stupid and Just the Brown Tip
First In/Last In:
Snap Off, Cause for Blindness
Virgin:
Just Emily, compliments of Where’s My Vagina
Cums Latelies:
Sleeps Around the Cock, Short Distance Rimmer, Hold the Sausage, Nappy Headed Ho
Auto Hashers:
One Inch In, Deep Discunt, Hold the Sausage, Short Distance Rimmer, Grab My Handlebars, and Grab My Handlebar’s mom, Seiz ‘er TITs, Mr. Muff
Accusations:
Tube C*ck for being Canadian and not curling
Mayor Quimby for having a love child who may or may not be a whore (re: Stan!)
Mr. Snuffleupamuff for not knowing the difference between a hole and an asshole?
Snap Off, for saying something indecipherable in Russian
Just Emily for being a racist
Did we mention Tube C*ck drank for being Canadian?
Mediorcre and Stupid for various acts of stupidity
Seiz ‘er TITS for not giving Facebook it’s normal nightly dose of loving
Then, several strapping young men where summoned into circle to assist Where’s My Vagina for her birthday side-side.
Announcements:
Thursday, March 11, Green Dress Pre-lube at Bonners. Be there or commit social suicide.
Friday, March 12 there’s a full moon in West Philly. Check your email because I’m too lazy to reference it here.
The Green Dress Run on Saturday, March 13, at Vesuvio’s at 8th and Fitzwater. Bring $35, your drinking faces and your best green dress get-up! Check out the link… http://www.phillyhash.com/greendress/greendress.html.
On-on,
Mediocre and Stupid
What? I wasn’t 1st in — I had trouble finding my shoes on the staircase, remember
?
My name has nothing to do with a trail mishap…
Wishful thinking for the both of you! Also, this is why I shouldn’t hit the sauce so hard while on sec-ing.
As someone who has been chastised countless times in the past for poor revision of my trash, I take offense to this. I counted several typos, or omissions of whole words. Did you write this on your crack-berry?