BFM #320: Mayor Quimby* All Over Your Face!!!!!!!
For me, this hash started around 3:30PM, when I got a call from Mayor Quimby. He was done with work and sitting on the sidewalk in front of Rear Engineer’s building. “Come over when you’re done with work…I have a 30 pack of Miller Lite, a lawn chair and I’m listening to the Phillies game!”
Fast forward to 7:45PM. I walk into Drinkers and overhear The Mayor asking Tranny “So tell me, what is the minimum number of beer checks that would be one more than the most the BFM has ever had on one trail?” followed by “I want this to be EPIC! I want people to hear the name Mayor Quimby and think EPIC!” The Mayor was a dozen beers in and ready to spread some fun! Here is who else joined in:
Bitchard, Cunting Season, Heave Ho, Just Ali, Second Cuming, Craigolicious, Rimmer, Two Clump, Sausage, Sleeps around the clock, Jingle Jizz, Tranny, Soft Core, Where’s My Vagina?, She Felt a Fish, Working Girl, Bonsai Bush, Post Anal Drip, Sticky Throttle, S&M Man, Festering Beanie Baby, Porn to Fail, Sloppy Ho, Quimby, Rear Engineer, Slutty When Wet (love that name!!!!), Gag Reflex, Just the Brown Tip, and Just Penny.
Mayor Quimby and I took off to lay the “most EPIC BFM trail of all time!” We headed across 95 and then down Columbus, through some parks, tried to lay a back check to throw you all off the trail, and then ended up at beer check #1, Makos. We were belly up to the bar ordering PBR and High Life’s (Mayor Quimby spared no expense for you!!) when we were approached by three dudes. They all started high fiving The Mayor (who had no clue who they were at first) and saying how great it was to see him. Turns out, they had been to a previous Bruce-a-palooza and were so happy to see the founder, live in the flesh. Mayor Quimby is truly a D list celebrity and a legend in his own mind.
With that we were off to Beer Check #2, Locust Bar. I was a little bummed that no one offered me coke in the bathroom this time as that is a fond memory I have of beer checks in the Locust Bar. We ordered WAAAAAAY too much beer, and Mayor Quimby was passing it out patrons like he was Robin Hood or something. Did the pack even finish all the beer? It took you quite a while to get to beer check #3…
Sugar Mom’s! We only bought a handful of PBR pounders here because we seemed to be losing people at each stop; like a successful Darwinian experiment only the tough drinkers were still in tow (or maybe a few of you were picked off by the three drunks in the last alley we ran you through, who knows).
There was talk of a fourth beer check at Lucy’s, but I was tired and had stopped believing in beer checks and started laying trail back to Drinkers. The Mayor started giving me a lecture about how I needed to have a good steak dinner so I would be more relaxed. He was speaking very loudly and going on and on about the benefits of a good steak…and then he threw a handful of flour in my face and took off into the oncoming traffic on Market Street.
Circle: It goes without saying that everyone was excited to be here!!!!
Hares: Mayor Quimby and Sloppy Ho
This trail had a lot of things, but it didn’t have enough beer checks!
Virgins: Boxcar Willy and Just Jason, Fez, Shane and Bill..a group of dudes from Alabama that we met at Makos. I guess someone invited them back to Drinkers and they actually came.
Visitors: Just Penny from Hockessin. She showed us her sports bra…but come on give her a break her dad was there!
First in / Last In: Cunting Season and Cause. And holy sh*t Cunting Season won the chugging contest AGAIN! She has either been practicing at home of the rest of you are relly losing ground on your chugging skillz. Add Cause to the list of people who should be ashamed to show their face at the BFM again (This list already includes He’s a Lesbian).
Comes Lately: too many of you and the RAs lost control of the circle anyway so I’m counting this one as a social. Social! Round the head…Who said head?
Accusations:
Gag Reflex for having a math joke on his shirt that took him two years to understand
Sloppy Ho because I stopped believing in beer checks (get it? This was actually really funny!)
Bitchard for not letting Just Penny show her boobs
At this point in the circle we all unanimously agreed that She Felt a Fish has a nice ass!
Working Girl for channeling Fruit of the Clue and wearing some hideously fluorescent shirt from 1984
Soft Core for NEW SHOES!! I’m sorry, but you are just a straight up idiot for doing this.
The Just’s from Alabama violated everyone from south of the Mason Dixon line…and with that we stopped giving them our beer.
Bonsai Bush had a side-side
And with that we were all liquored up and headed upstairs for either more beer or pizza, but most of you probably had both. This is America, after all.
On out,
Sloppy Ho (just an FYI I have returned to my normal state where I don’t stop believing in things)
Announcements:
April 22 is the BAR GOLF TOUR! we will NOT be running so wear NORMAL CLOTHES. You’ve been warned.
April 29 is the Graffiti Hash! Wear a white t-shirt and bring a Sharpie or you will be very sad that you are missing out on all the fun.
* Mayor Quimby funded these beer checks by himself, which was a very generous thing to do. He was very excited to show us all a good time, so next time you see him let him know you appreciate his efforts!
Yes, it was quite a Journey.
Yay Graffiti Hash! What are the chances of a wet t-shirt contest (which I would totally lose) and an after party at Bob and Barbs?!
Woo hoo!!