BFM #326: Mob Rule to Brown Town
Druid n. “An ancient Celtic order of priests, teachers, diviners, and magicians” (Answers.com “Druid” 2010: n.p.)
Keep n. “The stronghold of a castle” (Answers.com “Keep” 2010: n.p.)
Apparently the Druid’s Keep is a stronghold where they house . Apparently the Druid’s Keep is also a live action role playing (LARP) organization, a “Furcadian role playing guild” – not to be confused with furries. We’re not really that far from role playing – “Can I be designated check-hanger tonight? I’m on that!” – or character names – do I need to mention that we consistently consider names such as Big Tackle, Bonsai Bush, Son of Goatf*cker, Sloppy Ho, The S & M Man and brother Just Charile, Cleavage to Beaver, Tube C*ck, Sleeps Around the C*ck, Working Girl, Short Distance Rimmer, Softcore Analist, The Rash, Where’s my Vagina?, Rear Engineer, Hold the Sausage, Runner Girl and Just Peanut, Gag Reflex, Is That a Penis?, Just the Brown Tip, Slutty When Wet, Snap Off or Mediocre and Stupid legitimate for polite conversation. I mean, just think of a time you yelled “Whisky Dick!” or “Cleavage?!” across a crowd and was surprised that people, other than the above named individuals turned (so maybe that’s just me?). Joined by those not saddled with a double entendre or an inside joke Just James, Cousin It, Just Pam, Just Mayva and virgin Just Scott (ala some guy at work – a little indecent for this family organization?), the mob poured out onto the street and waited patiently for chalk talk. And waited, and waited – to the point that Itemized Seduction, Seiz’er TiTs, Porn to Fail, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Sub Cuntinent, Heave Ho, Two Clump Chump, Just Mom and Just Dad (also known as Mama and Papa S & M) had to buy their own beer as they waited for the mob to return, late into the evening.
Why you ask? Oh, maybe it had to do with the circle jerks and back-checks laid by the lovely hares. And I thought there was epic check hanging last week? Boy was I mistaken. After FRB’s Rear Engineer and Son of Goatf*cker were foiled by the BC8, the mob finally got back on trail only to be stumped by a BC5 set among the likes of bombed out cars, dark alleys and tire irons. This was one of those trails where the harriettes stayed together and there was mob insurrection (yes, I did say ‘rection) to go on-in. Funny enough, their hash noses were right and they were on trail – and they thought they’d go back to the bar, ha! Once we got through the projects and back into the back alleys of the NoLibs, we apparently frightened a pair of male bystanders enough that they asked, “Is this a flash mob?” This was quickly quieted by Cleavage to Beaver’s quip: “You wish.”
Once finally arriving at Chez Sub Cuntinent the mob was quelled with beer and no more ghetto. It was a long trail, but we all had nothing better to do so why worry? Just run. From there, it was back to the bar, playing that game where you thrown the beanbags into the board on the other side and much outdoor patio to be had. It was a great time but then we started…
Circle
Hares: Tube C*ck and Hold the Sausage
Not enough Ghetto
Not enough rapes/driveby’s/threats to our lives
Not enough cops – er, too much cops punching Snap Off
Virgins: Just Scott ala a friend from work and born-again virgin Just Charlie ala the bro-mance of The S & M Man
Visitors: Runner Girl and Just Peanut from the NJ Whores and Just James all the way from PH3, who showed us a joke…
First/Last In: Son of Goatf*cker (surprise surprise) and Big Tackle – and for point in circle, Just James
Cums Latlies: Cousin It, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Just Pam, Is That a Penis?
Autohashers: Itemized Seduction, Seiz’er TiTs, Porn to Fail, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Sub Cuntinent (who stayed at home with the little one), Heave Ho, Two Clump Chump, Just Mom and Just Dad (also known as Mama and Papa S & M)
Accusations
For something about Mr. Sniffleupamuff and a Blow Job….Hmmm….: Tube C*ck
For being once again too stylish on trail in his button up shirt (apparently it didn’t have a collar – like that makes a difference): Gag Reflex
For his ass eating his pants (which began a rousing round of ‘Wrong Turn to Brown Town’): Just James
…and then for some reason Tube C*ck felt the need to demonstrate on Bonsai Bush the last verse of “Put your right leg over my shoulder…”
For getting a new cool job and not buy a round of drinks: Tube C*ck
For almost being arrested for jay walking across the Ben Franklin Bridge exit in front of a cop car (half-mind much??): Snap Off
For not being recognizable with his shirt on in temperatures above 65 degrees: Short Distance Rimmer
For doing body shots by herself (and not offering them to the men of the hash): Mediocre and Stupid
For arriving late, being virgins, auto-hashing, and producing an offspring the likes of The S & M Man: Just Mom and Just Dad (also known as Mama and Papa S & M) to a rousing round of, “When it’s incest time in Texas!” Just Mom liked that song especially.
For coming out of the utility closet looking around and saying, “I left a pair of shoes here last year – I hoped they’d be here!”: Mediocre and Stupid
For doing a good job teaching Just Dad but missing the boat on teaching Just Mom about a down-down: The S & M Man
For not having a boot on his car: Cousin It
For the most creative way to get a black eye (apparently at Bay to Breakers, there was this wall, but then there was an earthquake and the wall gave way – or was it the saving of a baby by putting his face between it and the ground?): Softcore Analist
For not taking a stunt liver despite two accidents in three days: Cousin It
For being one day away from graduating medical school: The S & M Man
…joined by Is That a Penis?, Sleeps Around the C*ck, and Sloppy Ho for the “When One Doctor drinks…” rule (you didn’t know we were so smart did you? Yea, there are over 30 advanced degrees in the BFM)
…who also drank with Tube C*ck for the “When one c*ck drinks…” rule
…and then Heave Ho (who didn’t get called in for Cums Lately) got suckered by the “When one ho drinks…” rule
For having tried to pee in Fire Down Under’s Closet (do we need a counterpart to Piss Cycle?): Mediocre and Stupid
For Peeing on trail: Just James [Declined]
…but it was a false accusation by Snap Off (though neither of them drank…)
For changing the date of the August Philly’s tail-gate to July: Cousin It
Which concluded circle with a remark about the lovely and talented Mediocre and Stupid having thrown up a little in her mouth and then breathing it onto Sei’zer TiTs.
Birthday Side-Sides
Mediocre and Stupid
Snap Off
And then the mob witnessed what can only be described as a hash miracle: someone did/said something real stupid on trail and got saddled with it for the rest of their hash life. Ah yes, a naming.
Just James was brought into circle after much slapping of his chest and remarks about trail, finally silenced, and told to get on his knees. After guest GM Hold the Sausage ordained herself in circle (it was intense), she noted that we were on Brown Street. Hmm, what could that mean? And when Bonsai Bush added that she could see the inner portion of Just James’ ass through his jeans, it was enough for the (mostly drunk) to start chanting, “Wrong turn to Brown Town!” Without further ado, like any other name suggestions, the mob rule was accepted so Just James will forever be known as Wrong Turn to Brown Town.
But before circle could move onto announcements, ChernoBlow was glowing in circle (radioactivity?) and got pulled in for tech in circle. And although it was probably the missing Midnight Tranny to Georgia checking on his beloved (wait, his girl or the hash?), it was deemed unacceptable. And she drank for it.
Announcements
Hold the Sausage: Next Friday, May 28th will be the net Full Moon, hared by Mediocre and Stupid (apparently decided right then in circle). In addition, June will be the return of the Dysfunctional Family Picnic on some Saturday yet to be determined.
Rear Engineer: New Orleans Red Dress run, coming up August 14th 2010
The S & M Man: BFM Prom! Coming June 10th to a bar near you – get your fanciest taffeta and bow ties, it’s on! Also, guest GM and RA One Inch In will be in charge next week – be on your best (worst) behavior!
Porn to Fail: September, PA Innerhash. Be there, or the airport – I’m not sure which.
Cousin It: July 10th, Annual August Phillies Tailgate
Overheard on Trail
“I want to have your abortion!” after something about Tube C*ck’s new job – Snap Off
“We’re On-ing In” – Short Distance Rimmer
“You’re an On-ing” – Rear Engineer
“You’re mom’s On-ing…” – SDR
On-On,
Grab My Handlebars
References (for those who give a sh*t)
Answers.Com. 2010. “Druid.” Retrieved 4-1-2010 from http://www.answers.com/topic/druid
Answers.Com. 2010. “Keep.” Retrieved 4-1-2010 from http://www.answers.com/topic/keep
I must say that this hash was even more epic than #324 – just because we all managed to stay on trail and stay alive (especially me
)