Long ago, in a land far away (but not as far as Manyunk) in the Kingdom of West Philly, brave leporids cut through the gentrification and expanses of space left by the fleeing UPenn students. After having dethroned the dreaded Midnight Tranny To Georgia, temporary King One Inch In let jesters Mediocre and Stupid and Gag Reflex run amuck with the fates of the likes of Can You Hear Me Now?, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Son of Goatf*cker, Deep Discunt, Softcore Analist, Post-Anal Drip, Rear Engineer, Just Heather, Snap Off, Where’s my Vagina?, Whisky D*ck, Beastie Boy, Lick Hymen, H.M.Ho and Cums First – with Porn to Fail and Itemized Seduction enjoying the libations and leg ‘o Turkey from the barmaid,  Seiz’er TiTs and Mr. Snuffleupamuff arriving covered in the hay that lies behind the blacksmith shop, and last but sometimes least, Two Clump Chump arriving after gallivanting around a mountain searching for a wee lass or at least the glory of a running club that doesn’t b*tch about the hills. As for Little F*ucking Winkie, he didn’t even bother to show up for free beer…

 

The hares brought the caravan through the trees, over yonder berms, through parks and across immense stretches of cobbled roads. After the circle jerking was done, we (anti-climactically) retuned to the Blarney Stone, a mere stone’s throw from the castle in which we began. After tithes were given for libations, the weary travelers came together to catapult insults and drink of the mead.

 

Circle

Hares: Mediocre and Stupid and Gag Reflex

“So happy to be here!”

“Not enough circle jerks”

“Thoroughly awesome”

No Virgins

Visitors: H.M.Ho and Cums First from the Texas Eat Me H3 (who offered a rousing rendition of ‘Incest time in Texas’) and Beastie Boy from the SFH3

First/Last In: One Inch in, Deep Discunt, Lick Hymen and Cause for Blindness

Cums Latelies: Lick Hymen, Whisky D*ck, and Just Heather

Autohashers: Porn to Fail, Itemized Seduction, Seiz’er TiTs, Mr. Snuffleupamuff, Two Clump Chump and Little F*ucking Winkie

 

Accusations

For just plain bad trail: Mediocre and Stupid and Gag Reflex

For eating in circle: Grab My Handlebars, Porn to Fail, and Deep Discunt

For not Cumming First: Cums First

For having showered and changed in circle, apparently giving off some serious body odor: Beastie Boy

For headphones, as tech on trail: Lick Hymen

For some bad teaching of a new hare, on trail: Mediocre and Stupid 

For being afraid of the lightning on trail: Where’s My Vagina?

For Getting drunk and engaged at Bay to Breakers in San Francisco, but not remembering either: Post Anal Drip

For going two years without a seizer with Johnson de Mr. Snuffleupamuff was inside her: Seiz’er TiTs

For Complaining about a guy not coming first: Snap Off

…but it was called a false accusation by Porn to Fail

For wearing a fanny pack on trail, claiming it’s a sports pack, knowing it’s a sports bra and it not being 1985: Lick Hymen

For not dressing well enough: Gag Reflex

For ordering 10 dumplings and getting 30 (but he was already in circle): Porn to Fail

For claiming that he had balls as big as cherries: Rear Engineer

 

Birthday Side-Sides

Seiz’er TiTs – but “who gets to seize her tits??”

 

Announcements

Cause for Blindness: PA Innerhash, there will be a bus…Go to the website…

Post Anal Drip: EPIC bike race party will be Saturday, June 5^th into Sunday June 6^th – it’s so epic, it needs two days.

Mediocre and Stupid: Full Moon, Friday May 28^th at Krupas in Fairmount

(who then had to drink for almost forgetting that she was haring a hash)

Rear Engineer: Apres at Chez Rear, but also the New Orleans H3 (NoH3) Red Dress run, 8000 people (as if that’s a good thing) will be August 14^th

Porn to Fail: Saturday Philly Hash, Drexel Avenue in Haverton with Radar – also Dogfish Dash, September 25^th – $20 for a 5K, $25 for a 10 K – and all you can drink Dogfish Head!

Mr. Snuffleupamuff in lieu of Scooby Snatch: Cousin It’s Tailgate will be Aug…Oh wait, July 10^th

Snap Off: 7am Odd Mutter half marathon

(which lead Can You Hear Me Now, Cums First, and Snap Off to drink for being racists)

 

And once the mead was drunk and all the stout hearted hashers had their fill, they headed back to their castles, huts, and favorite meadows for a well earned respite, just to do it again the next week and the next. And they lived happily ever after – well, not all, but at least there was beer.

 

The End.

 

Overheard on Trail

“I love the jerk!” – Mediocre and Stupid referring to either chicken, hash men, or circles – not really sure…

“You drank all the virgins and f*cked all the beers”

 

On-On,

Grab My Handlebars