Long Long time ago…

I can still remember, how the On-Secs used to write the trash

And I knew that if I had my chance

I could make those half-minds laugh

If only they’d be sober, for a while.

But summers swelter made me drunker

With every BN I did discover

Free beer for all the hashers; I couldn’t take one more song.

I can’t remember if I lied

When they accused me of newer shoes

But something touched me deep inside

The day, the On-Secs, died…

 

Well, that is enough of me attempting to sing…lets face it, yall hate my singing enough when you are forced to wait with beer.  I can’t imagine you would actually want me to go through the whole song without benefit of booze (maybe all trashes should come with a two-drink minimum?).  Anyway, it was a beautiful Thursday evening when the motely crew we call a drinking club rolled into Sugar Moms, complete with its hipsters, low light, and questionable PBR (really, since when do they actually charge 3 dollars for a PBR?  I’m still somewhat annoyed by that).  [GM's Note: The PBR was only $2,but still too expensive.] Apparently, though, Sugar Mom’s is popular with more than just hipsters and hashers…as we had just about the largest gaggle of virgins this side of a Catholic school dance.

Who all decided to show up and pop more cherries than a frat senior during sorority rush?  Hold the Rimmer, Up Her Ali, Seize ‘Er Muff, Fire Down Under, Bonsai Cock, Two Clump Chump, Soft Core Analyist, Porn 2 Fail, Itemized Seduction, Can You Hear Me Now, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, and She Felt A Fish, plus our virgins (we’ll get to them later).  Despite being told multiple times to bring ID, numerous half-minds forgot, so we were entertained in song by S&M Man, until everyone could come out and meet our virgins.  Who are they?  Well, that would be no fun if I told you right away, would it?  Will they ever come again?  Maybe…if you actually follow through on your promise to call them later in the week!

After our extended chalk talk, the Mob didn’t even make it one whole block before getting twisted up.  Of course, that was due to our illustrious hare, Two Clump Chump, who seemingly lived up to his name by laying barely more than two marks before his first back check.  Squirreling around though old city brought us past the original home of the BFM, Paddy’s Pub, and then over towards the river, where we found every hashers favorite pet; Crabs!  More running around Penn’s Landing eventually brought the pack down South Street (mmm…more hipsters!), and to a new potential favorite bar, Marco’s! 

Our pack of hashers was apparently interesting looking enough to attract the attention of two Marines who found our particular brand of fun (ie, drinking) worth following back to Sugar Mom’s…but not without bribing the mob with shots of tequila first.  With that, the mob made their way back to begin downing PBRs and showing virgins how a real half-mind drinks, while an apparently pre-pubescent S&M Man cracked his way through calling for circle (either that, or he was trying to emulate his fellow RA, Bonsai Bush).  First in to circle to show our virgins how to drink was our hare, Two Clump Chump, who was accused of having a trail which was full of cobblestones, shots falses, tequila, and overall shitty-ness.  Next up were more virgins than at a Star Wars convention: Just Kate, Brian, Ted, and Danielle, who were brought by Midnight Tranny to Georgia; Just Spencer, who was brought by Just Ben, a visitor from the White House hash; Just Liz and Allison, who were brought by She Felt A Fish; Just Syreg, who was brought by Fire Down Under; and Just Andrew, by B. Orgy, a visitor from Hockessen.  Down down down down they went, and up they came, cherries freshly popped, along with our two Marine pick-ups, Just Ryan and Barefoot Nicky.

Next up were our visitors.  First to try his luck with the option was Necrophilliac Jack from Boston, who was promptly laughed at and told to try again, so he sang us his namesake song.  Cum Locker, also from Boston, was more successful with her hash flash.  Just Brad told us an acceptably bad joke, and Just Brian showed us all his joke of a full moon.  On to our normal business…Up Her Ali entered circle for being first in, and was joined by Just Danielle who was last in, although Porn to Fail stepped in to act as her stunt liver.  Cums Latelys included Piss Cycle, Twat of Darkness, She Felt A Fish, and Porn to Fail, and Piss Cycle then remained in circle as our lone Autohasher.

Next up, of course, was everyones favorite part of the evening, Accusations!  Muff had the first accusation for Just Nick, for being an overachiever and running with his sandals, and was joined by his fellow Marine, Just Ryan.  Short Distance Rimmer accused Tube Cock next for the horrible crime of complaining about too much beer (a problem he might have had the next morning as well).  Cum Locker was apparently a racist, so she got another beer as well.  This led to more racist accusations, as Tube Cock accused Bonsai Bush of cuming second in a Triathlon (she was still annoyed that he came first, however).  Hold the Sausage then accused Tube Cock for not screwing his wife enough (as she was being rather loud in circle…), which of course led to our first round of ‘when one GM drinks…’, bringing in Two Clump Chump.  Sausage then had another accusation for Tube Cock, this time for wearing a Canadian flag.  Porn to Fail added an accusation for Bonsai Bush for stopping Just Nick’s offer of Tequila shots for the mob.  Sausage had another accusation for Tube Cock, apparently he was also racist.  Tranny’s virgin, Just Brian was accused by Seize Ur Tits for wearing new shoes, so Tranny got to drink out of them.  Rimmer added in an accusation for our strapping young Marines, Just Nick and Ryan, since they weren’t trying to find harrierettes to help them miss their morning flight as well.  Sausage then accused Rimmer of not being cognizant of the fact that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ has been repealed, and so maybe the Marines weren’t interested in the ladies after all…

With that, accusations were closed, and we were left with a few stammering of announcements.  First up, it was apparently Stan’s birthday…although Stan was not present, nor were his parents, so it was a bit of a moot point.  Fire Down Under is having a happy hour for cancer; talk to her for more info.  Itemized Seduction announced the Philly Interhash, which both will be and will not at the airport.  Announcements were delayed for one more Autohasher, Sleeps Around the Cock, who tried to sneak in at the last moment.  With that, Tube Cock was drunk, Just Nick ran off for more shots of Tequlia, and the rest of the hash devolved into its usual oblivion.

-Short Distance Rimmer