I pulled the Black beast into a very lovely parking spot within a few feet of the bar. Pagans be damned, that’s one of the reasons for liking the Triangle Tavern. I got in there and a chalkboard sign proclaimed “WELCOME HASHERS!” I shit you not; they really had a sign up there. I am guessing that our contingent probably increases the till about tenfold each time we show up. As if to prove this point, when I walked in, Short Distance Rimmer was the only person in there, not even a bartender was visible. I was debating on whether or not to pull a GizzHell and serve myself, when the barkeep excitedly welcomed me and got me a beer, happily scooping up my money.

WHO SAW THE DARK SIDE: Short Distance Rimmer, He’s A Lesbian, Skin Fiddle, Splashback, Just Nick, Just Rick, Uncle Bad Touch, Stacks, Hold the Sausage, Up Her Ali, Clifford, Chef Boy Or Horse, Where’s My Vagina, Midnight Tranny To Georgia, Arse Anal, Penis In My Ear, Flounder, Two Clump Chump, Just Karla, Do Daddy Too, One Inch In, Cause For Blindness, Son Of A Goatfucker, Just Peter, Gay Matthews Lamb, Dumpster, Chernoblow, Whiskey Dick, Just Lisa, Semen On The Poopdeck, and Scoobie Snatch.

For once, Two Clump decided not to volunteer to be hare, and Where’s My Vagina, decided that since she was the only OTHER red headed female available, (No, Splashback, spray painting your bush red does NOT count, that’s just sick), She decided to hare, and took Chef Boy Or Horse along to help. Maybe she thought having a black guy with her would give her street cred around the 4th & Christian crowd, I don’t know. She didn’t realize, however, that Chef acts whiter than Hold The Sausage and Flounder COMBINED. I mean, seriously, he’s a beer nerd. Not a nerfherder, mind you, only we can use that word. So, off they went to lay the…

TRAIL:
I wasn’t there, so I am relying on witnesses, but, like Joe Paterno in front of a grand jury, I am sure that it was worse than I can describe (too soon?). Skin Fiddle, playing the part of an athletic director, said he actually saw a check mark at 12th & Ellsworth on the way over to autohash. Then Just Nick came wandering in, and asked, “I’m first in? But I got lost, does that count?” A few minutes later, Sausage walked in, and loudly announced, “WORST. TRAIL. EVER!” But even then, I wouldn’t take her word for it, I mean she hates a good cheesesteak as well, flippin vegetarian. But apparently, according to everyone else, it was horrible. I think the point of the Festival of lights was to actually run down streets adorned with Christmas lights. In Vagina’s defense, you have to already know where the well-lit streets ARE prior to haring, and Vagina is more familiar with San Francisco’s streets than ours. Plus, the lack of hills and her bright-ass running tights must have really put the zap on her head. And poor Chef was too blinded by her Fruit of the Clue style pants to find lights, or maybe he was looking for home brew, who knows? A bright moment was when Arse Anal and Doo Daddy Too walked in, carrying a Christmas tree, having bought the only shiggy they could find. Yes, they actually PAID for it. The whole mess was best summed up by Two Clump, who later declared, “The only lights we saw was when we were in a circle jerk or a Vortex.” Either way, it made for a most interesting…

CIRCLE
HARES: Where’s My Vagina, and Chef Boy Or Horse
VIRGINS: The tree
VISITOR: Arse Anal from the Rhode Island H3, who serenaded us with “Whacking Off In Silence” ALL. FIVE. VERSES
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Just Nick / Cause For Blindness
AUTOHASHERS: Short Distance Rimmer, He’s A Lesbian, Skin Fiddle, Uncle Bad Touch, and Scooby Snatch
CUMS LATELYS: He’s A Lesbian, Skin Fiddle,

ACCUSATIONS:
Where’s My Vagina: Because two plugs couldn’t fill her holes and Chef under the When One hare drinks rule

Cause For Blindness: For having more lights on her chest than was on trail and also Midnight Tranny and Chernoblow under the When One Moron With Antlers On His Head drinks rule

The Hares: because traffic lights don’t count as Christmas lights

Goat Fucker: Looking thirsty

Arse Anal: For speaking a language loosely resembling English (I mean seriously, “I thought you people invented the f$^#* language”)

Son Of A Goatfucker: For supporting rape with his Duke T shirt

He’s A Lesbian: For not making sense (I don’t see how that’s a violation, I NEVER make sense. Seriously, what are you people, NEW?)

Where’s My Vagina: For having pants that were brighter than the trail (This courtesy of Stacks, who I forgot to violate for actually staying for the circle)

Midnight Tranny and Chernoblow: For still being horny for each other AFTER they were married (OK, they weren’t horns but antlers, sue me)

Doo Daddy Too and Arse Anal: For buying their shiggy on trail and then NOT bringing it in to the circle

Just Lisa: For being a walking advertisement for Ithaca

Dumpster: For having a Christmas Card party

Hares: For not being Little Red Riding Wood

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Cousin It’s Tailgate Party: In August TBD

Someone has a Hanukkah bush for sale

Soft Core Analist had a son. (There goes THAT theory)

NAMING:
Just Rick was brought in dropped to his knees, saying, “Penn State, Here we go, It’s Our Time!” and the questioning started. Apparently he has a job as an interception engineer (think of it as weaponized cock-blocking), he TRAINED Uncle Bad Touch (That’s not something to be proud of), His favorite food is tacos, a chicken is his favorite farm animal, his favorite porn site is Private Albums his most embarrassing sex moment, “when I was enjoying a lady from behind..” I never got the rest I was laughing too hard to write down what happened., something about a ceiling fan. And then there was his infamous post-mortem Steve Jobs impression. From that we got THESE suggestions:

Iporn, Lady From Behind, Sweater Of Hair, Shower Buddy, Taco From Behind, Taco Terrorist, Taco Interceptor, Back Door Fan, Taco, the other white meat, Taco, the other farm animal, Taco, I Barely Know Her, Right To Bear Arms, Fan Of Bad Sex, Wooly taco, Hairy Taco, Taco Tuesday, Taco Thursday, Hairy Taco Thursday

The list was whittled down and the votes were cast, and the result was:
Taco, I barely Know Her. Welcome, YFF

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH:

“I’m so disappointed.” –Stacks
“You can reach into my sack anytime.” – Two Clump
“And on THAT note…” – Stacks, leaving quickly

“Don’t deflate my boobs.” – Just Karla

“YOWL, YELP YELP YELP”- Clifford

“Wait, She had a girl? Wind up THAT crazy clock.” – Skin Fiddle

“The only time we saw lights was when we were in a circle jerk or a vortex” –Two Clump

“I was stitched up like a kipper.” –Arse Anal
“Seriously, what the fuck did he just say?” – Every hasher there.