Remember when the history channel had actual shows about history on it, rather than shows about people who rebuild broken things, chop down trees, live with their cousins in swamps, own a pawn shop, and my personal favorite, two glorified dumpster divers who drive around the country and try to buy things like oil cans from hoarders.

Truth be told, I like “Pawn Stars” better than “American Pickers” mainly because the main character looks more like me than that picture in Callahan’s does. But, sadly, whenever I try to clean my house, or getting to the hash on time, I make the mistake of turning on the TV and sit mesmerized because that silly show is on. So, my excuse this time for not going into Manayunk and running up and down those damn hills in the cold was because I was watching two yokels try to con a shut in out of his Ortlieb Beer sign. But eventually, I did drag myself out there and when I parked in the garage next to (Live with it, Uncle, there’s a point to this!) I was dumbfounded to see a 48-star American flag hanging from the wall. The building used to be the home of an American legion lodge that sadly went under, and left a bunch of memorabilia inside. Pretty cool history lesson there. But the bar was chosen, not for the history around the corner but for the fact that EVERY beer is $2 a pint, Guinness included. I see a new hash home.

YUNKERS:
Hold The Sausage, Rear Engineer, Brave Cock, Gay Matthews Lamb, Flipper Over, He’s A Lesbian, Just Kaitlin, Just Karla, Just Keith, Short Distance Rimmer, Uncle Bad Touch, Tits Of Steel, Chef Boy Or Horse, Just Peter, Shop & Fuck, Soft Core Analist, and Taco I Barely Know Her.

TRAIL
Tits one again volunteered to be hare, or just has a predilection for picking a short straw, and decided to lead the merry little pack up and down the hills, with a beer stop, according to Tits, at an abandoned burned out Carmelo’s on the island near Manayunk. I checked and it sounded suspiciously like the site of the old Arroyo Grill where 11 years ago a bunch of us threw rotten tomatoes at a billboard sign of Ira Einhorn. Anyway, apparently there were some pot heads nearby who pissed off everyone at the beer check by not coming over to share, but I digress. One of these days, I might actually have to run and enjoy the trail. Or at least the faces of “normal” people when they saw the mask that Shop & Fuck was wearing. Holy shit was that thing creepy.

CIRCLE:
HARE: Tits Of Steel
FIRST IN / LAST IN: Gay Matthews Lamb / Uncle Bad Touch
VIRGIN: Just Kaitlin, Uncle Bad Touch made her come (We checked her ID, shockingly she’s over 21)
Auto Hashers: He’s A Lesbian, Chef Boy Or Horse

ACCUSATIONS:
Short Distance Rimmer for fucking up the circle
Just Keith for race-ist behavior at the end
Hold The Sausage for a raceist shirt and Tits Of Steel under the “when one GM drinks” rule
Shop & Fuck for his mask
Flipper Over for not squeaking
He’s A Lesbian for hating women. (I don’t hate women, I just think they should drink from a separate water fountain)
Shop & Fuck for taking away Uncle Bad Touch’s job of making children cry and then Uncle Bad Touch under the “When one asshole with five fingers shoes drinks..” rule
Flipper for doing yoga on trail
Tits for pointing and not with her boobs and Hold the Sausage under the “When one GM drinks..” rule
Flipper for alcohol abuse
Hold The Rimmer for having his high-beams on
Chef Boy Or Horse for being our token
Uncle Bad Touch for being an asshole and Shop and Fuck under the “when one asshole with five fingers…” rule
Brave Cock for having a porn stache
Rear Engineer for looking thirsty

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Philly hash at Krupas, you missed it, it was fun
Do Shots Don’t Get Shot on the 27th of Jan

NAMING
Apparently at last weeks hash in olde city, Just Carla told a story about comparing vagina flaps with her friends that made Uncle Bad Touch go apoplectic, and start bouncing up and down, so we reopened the circle and she was brought out for a naming, finally. During her waterboarding, we learned that she is a two pump chump and you blow it in and she’s done, to which she replied, “Saskia! That Bitch!” Apparently Uncle Bad Touch was right about why he almost broke his wrist last week, she DID have a party with her girlfriends where they judged each other’s anatomy (who had the bests breasts, biggest nipples, train wreck downstairs) and apparently she had the worst roast beef curtains. Other non-important items gleaned were that plantains were her favorite fruit (bananas weren’t good enough) Her most embarrassing sexual moment was when she queefed and farted at the same time, coining a new phrase, “Quarted”

Suggestions for a naming included, Where It Like A Hat, Farts On Top, Quarts On Top, Beef Curtains, Choreeza Curtains, Flapper Snapper, Blowing in the Wind, Blow Me In The Wind, Roast Beef Cowgirl, Bay Of Pigs, Bay Of Roast Beef, Not Kosher, and Quart. This last one had everyone lose their mind laughing and she will now forever be known as Quart, welcome, YFF.

NAMING # 2
We were on a roll now, so Just Peter was then drug in and Gitmoed into spilling the following beans:
He worked for Geico, he drives a Ford Fiesta, went to Penn State, one time, put Gold Bond on his junk, Sexual preference is male women, yada yada yada

Suggestions were; Lizard licker, Burning Lizard, Running From Sandusky, Lizard Fucker, Manual Fiesta, Brown Eye the Sailor Man, Fiesta Lizard Fuck, Sandusky’s Kid, Jerry’s Kid, votes were taken and he will forever be known as Manual Fiesta. Welcome, YFF

With that, the hash meandered out into the cold…

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH

“Your face tastes like shit” Just Karla

“Just Carla with a fucking C, you dickhead!” – Just Carla, reading over my shoulder

“fucking lizards makes his hands look huge” – unk hasher

ON Queefing:
“It’s like your vagina’s talking” Tits of Steel
“It’s a horrible name, but if we market it right…”- unk hasher

“I think queefing is great” – Quart
“You’re right, it’s like special sex” – Tits
“It sounds good coming in going out” Quart

“One of my bests friends queefs on command, it sounds like “pffffft”” –unk hasher

“When I was 25 I came in second place in a booty shaking contest.” – hasher #1 (assumed Quart)
“Not a queefing contest?” Hasher #2

“A guy would be more likely to fuck a dog in the ass. Trust me, I looked this up.” – unk hasher, assumed TOS

“Most girls would not fuck dogs but they might put peanut butter in their vagina”- I give up