Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Cock Master And Commander, Postage Tramp (from St. Louis Big Hump H3), Gay Matthews Lamb, Chasez Boyz, Seaman On The Poop Deck, Chorizo Curtains, Butt Cherry Poppins (Rubber City H3), Willy Wonka And The Back Door Factory (Boston H3), Just Nick (oh how I will miss that name), The Second Cumming (Boston H3), Just Sara, Groundhog Lay, Just Jeff, Penetration Is Elementary, Hole Patrol, Manual Fiesta, Just Randi, Just Hannah, Just Alex, Just Brian, Just Sarah, Urine Luck, Just Dave, Tits Of Steel, 23rd Cumazone, Just Vanessa (Virgin), Can You Hear Me Now, Just John, Donald Dick (Auto), Shop & Fuck (Auto)
It was quite a crowd and they just kept on cumming which made it harder for me to order my meal from the selection of eight items on the menu as I had to keep stopping to write down yet another name (I eventually managed to get my order in of a mushroom burger). But eventually all were in and Hole Patrol had an idea in mind of what he wanted to do for a trail through West Philly that would keep us from causing another terrorist scare via white powder through Penn’s campus. So he pulled Gay Matthews Lamb aside and hashed out a plan that would put the BEER check about two blocks away over in Clark Park on the corner of 43rd and Baltimore. In order to make this plan work they asked me as the lone auto-hasher at the time to jump in my car and drive down to a BEER distributer over on Walnut and then drive back and there was a lot of directions passed back and forth and then after the smoke settled and chalk talk was had and all were off on trail, my food came out.
So a slight panic built up from within as I chowed down my burger (which was delicious by the way even though I had to eat it in three bites). 23rd Cumazone and Chorizo Curtains had also hung back in a corner presumably catching up on things so prior to leaving I gave them the quick tip that trail was BEER checking at the park over on 23rd and Baltimore. For the record, in all of the United States of America, there exits not a single corner of 23rd and Baltimore. The closest hit I got was 23rd St. in Baltimore, Md.
So out the door I went and instead of jumping in my car for a grail quest as directed by the hare, I walked twenty feet to the little market BEER distributor and bought three cases there and then walked them two blocks over to the corner of 43rd and Baltimore and sat my ass down on a bench and waited for the hare to show which happened no more than five minutes later as he is an over achieving ass clown. When I asked him about where he lead trail he mentioned going through Penn’s campus but in a much more sanitary way which would not bring Homeland Security down on us and how he ran them up a several level parking lot over by the grocery store but then realized he couldn’t get them back down without crossing trail so then had them go through the grocery store in order to exit. At the bottom door where they exited there was a group of people handing out propaganda for a cause that I am going to say was right to life…who Hole Patrol asked to please make sure that every one of the 30 people that were about to come storming out those doors got a pamphlet.
And so Hole Patrol and I sat and waited with the BEER as he proudly spouted how he was sure he got the pack tripped up for a while somewhere along the way, but no more than five minutes after he arrived so did the pack. And even more impressively, so did 23rd Cumazone and Chorizo Curtains even though I sent them on a fools quest to a corner that does not exist (apparently they are no fools). So the BFM quietly/loudly enjoyed their BEERS in the park on what was a very quick and fun trail on a pleasant and temperate night. This was so unlike Hole Patrol. And soon we were off for the remaining two blocks back to the bar for:
HARE: Hole Patrol (who was so very un-Hole Patrol like) SONG: S-H-I T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L
VIRGINS: Just Vanessa (from Argentina made cum by Urine Luck the international man of mystery) SONG: We’ve Got Virgins
VISITORS: Postage Tramp from St. Louis Big Hump H3 sang us a rendition of God Bless My Underwear. Butt Cherry Poppins from Rubber City H3 opted to show us his body part and raised his shirt to expose his nipples. And Willy Wonka And The Backdoor Factory along with The Second Cumming from Boston H3 did a beautiful version of Young Girls.
FIRST IN/LAST IN: Groundhog Lay / Seaman On The Poop Deck SONG: I Wish I Was A Hasher
AUTO HASHERS: Donald Dick and Shop & Fuck (although I was kind of one of the hares for the evening but I am not going to pass on a down down BEER) SONG: He’s The Meanest
CUMS LATELY: Just Sarah, 23rd Cumazone, Just Brian, Chasez Boyz, Just Hannah, Seaman On The Poop Deck SONG: Where Were You Last Week
1) Hole Patrol told the story of how Gay Matthews Lamb told him go ahead and start laying trail and then immediately had everyone leave the bar to put their stuff in his car thus ruining Hole Patrol’s ability to hide which direction he was going and laying falses. Manual Fiesta immediately called out Hole Patrol for whining (whatever did happen to Whiny Little Bitch?) Penetration Is Elementary then accused Shop & Fuck of Pedophilia as he early in the evening liked a picture of her on facebook of her in a Catholic school girl outfit from back in high school (in my defense, she looks like she is sixteen years old today so how should I know the difference?) Chasez Boyz accused Urine Luck of leaving his virgin Just Vanessa alone to be fraternized with unsupervised by the seedy likes of Seamen On The Poop Deck and himself. Tits Of Steel called in Penetration Is Elementary for something hysterical but I was too busy trying to decipher Chasez Boyz’ accusation to get hers down but since all parties involved in this debacle were soulless gingers I am guessing they were speaking soulless ginger language and I never would have figured it out anyway. Just Dave accused Urine Luck of being piss poor with his duties of watching over his virgin during trail through the most beautiful part of Philadelphia for a visitor from South America to have to bare witness to. And finally Tits Of Steel (not in the soulless ginger language this time) called out Cock Master And Commander for his extremely racist behavior of running over 100 miles earlier that week and then cumming out to do trail using a cane four days later. SONG: Alcoholic Dinosaur
2) SO THERE I WAS…feeling mighty lonely and awfully horny as of late, so I turned to the only place I know would produce the most effective form of relief for my needs…facebook! So I had to thank the many new and old faces that were cumming out lately by desecrating their images with my personal pervy needs. In the past I received many responses to this accusation of I have no clue which picture you are talking about…so I obliged them by liking the pictures this time around…you are welcome. So shall we start…lets:
a. 23rd Cumazone and her Tinkerbell outfit back in 2007…I’d like to sprinkle some fairy dust.
b. Just Sarah and her picture of Ricky Gervais in the park which was very confusing as I was using her image while laughing at the memory of his many shows…it was very messy.
c. Just Meredith and her sexy Santa outfit.
d. Penetration is Elementary in her school girl outfit (as mentioned above). There is something so wrong about a soulless ginger in a Catholic school…is that acceptable?
e. Just Alex…I just loved those black & white cookies soooo much that I had to find a picture of you in the kitchen cooking. Sorry that it is with a bunch of little pink weenies and I am guessing your mom.
f. Just Ashley is just so sweet and innocent that it makes me feel really dirty when I do it…over and over and over again to her picture wearing glasses and her mouth wide open.
g. Jug Stain’s most recent picture post rape with Taco just made me want to imagine I was Taco in that picture.
h. Spear My Finger at that time was cumming to Nittany and I was so full of anticipation of finally getting to see them that I almost didn’t let the picture of her in the white dress steering the boat fully load.
i. Chorizo Curtains bent over rubbing Cock Master And Commander’s leg during his 100 mile run. She is the sexiest masseuse there has ever been and I would have done anything to have had her massaging my “leg” at that moment.
j. Auschwitz Hole Is That wearing the beaded pearl necklace posed with Gay Matthews Lamb and looking like the hottest girl you could possibly covet of a friend.
k. Cause For Blindness has given me plenty of real life material that facebook wasn’t necessary.
l. Just Randi I couldn’t decide between the incredibly sexy cowgirl outfit in the pink hat or the Tardis tank top and light saber…so I just did both. And unfortunately for her, I also did what I presume was her sister too.
m. Just Becky I can’t get past how much her and her brother Screaming Kegel have the same mouth that I accidently did it to Screaming Kegel at first with the open mouth picture…but don’t worry, I went back and used that selfie in the bathroom.
n. Just Hannah biting her nails in the rear view mirror in that travel picture…oh what I would like you to bite on.
o. Coming Tonight and the Amy Winehouse outfit…whoa…I mean just…WHOA.
p. Just Vicki gets me with the playboy thing alone.
q. Tits Of Steel in her hot little marathon number you wore…I got a prize for you.
r. Just Janelle in Costa Rica! Part 1 Please cum back soon.
s. Just Amy in the wet suit in Iceland…it hugs all the right places.
t. Cmen++ gets me before I can even get to the albums with her blue hair profile…I mean blue hair…does it get any hotter?
u. Just Catherine in her naughty nurse walrus outfit…it was the teeth that did it for me.
v. Just Lily wearing that striped number down in Avalon…and being the sexiest damn tall Asian I have ever met.
w. Backdoor Deposit in the sexy sailor out...cum aboard.
x. Afterschool Delight with the clown jizz all over you and your girlfriend’s faces…I mean what the fuck?
y. Barbara Bush in the red and blue strapless short dress with her friends. YUMMY!
z. Spashback with all the makeup pictures are a festival of colors and I am partying it up.
aa. Hole Patrol and his biker pictures looking the sweetest little twink there ever was…again how was I to know he was only sixteen in the picture…he looks fourteen now.
SONG: My Vagina Has A First Name
3) Gay Matthews Lamb pointed out Donald Dicks wearing of a white belt with his jeans way before Labor Day. Just Nick had a problem with Shop & Fuck only masterbating to the desires of straight men (see aa. Please). Chorizo Curtains accused Cock Master and Commander of complaining way too much from getting his leg massaged by a beautiful woman. Just Brian accused Hole Patrol of not taking the opportunity to setup the BEER near next to Alcoholics Anonymous. Donald Dick accused Gay Matthews Lamb of thick backout gargoyle cum (listen, a lot has happened to me since this night and I can’t figure out for the life of me what this note is referring to). Cock Master And Commander accused Chorizo Curtains of not providing a happy ending. SONG: You’re Not Number Five
4) Penetration Is Elementary accused Gay Matthews Lamb of not knowing that you don’t wear white until after Labor Day which then Gay Matthews Lamb immediately called Donald Dick back in circle for wearing a white belt…period. Chorizo Curtains accused Cause For Blindness of not knowing Jerry Seinfeld. Just John accused Urine Luck of ditching his virgin on trail which the then both drank for because Urine already was accused for that but he should still drink for it again. Just Jeff accused Just Nick of always running in uniform (which consists of white T-shirt and cargo pants). SONG: There’s A Squeeter On My Peter, Whack It Off.
5) Chorizo Curtains accused Donald Dick of standing in front of chair and blocking her view. Cause For Blindness accused Just Nick of teetering…I got nothing for this either. Gay Matthews Lamb accused the visitor (which ever one was Hispanic) of causing a panic buy making people believe there was a Hispanic gang giving chase. Just Nick then called Gay Matthews Lamb out for thinking there would be a Hispanic gang in any part of Philly other than the northeast. SONG: If I Had The Wings Of A Sparrow
6) Donald Dick accused Manual Fiesta of looking like he supported the losing team in the World Cup (which was the Netherlands). Chasez Boyz accused Donald Dick of sharing matching souls, which was impossible since they are both soulless, as is Tits Of Steel and Penetration Is Elementary. Cock Master And Commander accused all of his over achieving ass clowning enablers which included Penetration Is Elementary, Chorizo Curtains, Shop & Fuck, Just Hannah, Just Jeff, Manual Fiesta, Groundhog Lay, and Hole Patrol. SONG: OH, There Are No Real Hashers In A Marathon
7) Just John accused Cause For Blindness asking what is a squid…I am not sure what I wrote here so I am writing squid but I am asking the same thing. Chasez Boyz accused Cock Master And Commander walking/running with a cane like a pimp on trail. Hole Patrol accused the Boston hashers of looking bored. Chasez Boyz accused himself of yelling…SQUIRLL…which I am now realizing what Just John accused Cause For Blindness of asking what it was. SONG: God Bless My Underwear (Version 2)
8) Chasez Boyz accused Butt Cherry Poppins of looking thirsty. Just Jeff accused Cock Master And Commander of giving South Philly Striders credit for his performance and leaving the BFM to hang with them…bad form. Hole Patrol then asked Just Jeff where was he r*nning (which I am guessing is calling him out for being one of the said South Philly Striders). Tits Of Steel pointed out that when one half of the Cock Master And Commander sandwich drinks, so does Shop & Fuck. Just Brian mentioned something about there being stage sex and then Manual Fiesta called in Seamen On The Poop Deck for being THIS GUY…and Just Sarah was in too.
Most of the announcements have come and gone but there were two very important ones. First there was a birthday! A bright, beautiful, sexy, funny, pillar of the BFM community was up for her side side. Chorizo Curtains was quickly rushed by every eager male hasher (and quite possibly some female hashers too) as all want to get their hands on the hottest body in the BFM. In this mad rush she was so jostled around that she inadvertently elbowed Gay Matthews Lamb in the nut sack but either he was not going to be deterred from getting his hands on her or he truly enjoyed it and was hoping for another and he stayed in on the side side.
Second was we were having a naming! Just Nick was called down and he dropped to his knees. Much was asked of him and a name was dropped early for Chair which I am still not sure the story behind. But we learned that he had been hashing since late February, that he went to the University of Michigan. The first bar he hashed at he got hammered and puked in their downstairs. His favorite farm animal is a pig and he is an Energy Analyst. His favorite color is Blue and his cargo shorts have pockets which is why they are a part of his running uniform. Listen up ladies, he is also a virgin which means is the only male in the hash that is disease free and when he gets blackout drunk he shits in weird places like the laundry and the sink. There was also something about a fake name, a grumpy blue and white hot sauce, and a story of him walking out of the stall in the woman’s room. So with all the information gathered the following names were considered: Fuck Nuts, Chair, Eager Cummer, Shitty Shitty Gang Bang, Go Blue Steamer, Shit Brick, Shitty Shitty Laundry Bag, What Can Brown Do For You, Rectum Fuck Finger, Baby Boner Chair, Chilly Willy, Betsy Ross, Meeting In The Ladies Room, Upper Decking, Buck Nuts, and White Is The New Brown…but eventually we welcomed to the BFM TWO IN THE SINK, NONE IN THE PINK…he’s true BLUE…
After all that the night was a complete cluster fuck and a blur and not much else do I remember. On-On.