BFM #547: COUSIN ITS TAILGATE HASH

How do you begin writing trash when you may have been the biggest shit show of the evening? Now I say that because I wasn’t aware of what most of the other hashers at Cousin Its Tailgate were doing if they were out of my immediate line of vision and more than five feet away from me, so it is possible that there were people worse off than me, but highly unlikely. For all of those who have not had the pleasure of experiencing being hammered while at a hash I will do my best to try and describe it for your future reference. You are aware of the fact that there are many people there but their names and their whereabouts are sort of foggy. Somebody shows up in front of you and you start chatting with them and much of it must be hysterical because both you and the person in front of you are laughing which is sad in a way because with no more than a stumble of the foot and a flash forward in time and that person is gone only to be replaced by somebody else who is also laughing. All ideas are brilliant except those put forth by people that think you should sober up because why on earth would you want to do something so sensible. I mean, so long as you know that the one idea that is inherently bad is using your keys for anything other than choosing who will be the sucker that will drive you to the next destination, all other decisions you make are awesome. I am sure that doesn’t do the shit show justice but at least it gives you a frame of reference. Oh, and by the way…I am sorry.

So there I was…sitting at my desk, eyes heavy from way too few hours of sleep, and thinking to myself I need to take a much needed break. So what better break could a man get than to cut the day short, tell his team he won’t be in tomorrow and jump in the car heading for the tailgate. And seeing as I just freed up my day on Friday why not stop at the Total Wine and get myself a bottle Pinot Noir and just for shits and giggles a bottle of Fireball. At the time it sounded like an excellent idea with no ramifications at all.

So with all of that I was at a loss for how to write the trash for this event for the tailgate lacks one of the essential pieces of the hash, the trail. But that didn’t seem to keep a whole slew of our favorite people from coming out and joining in on the festivities. I did my best to try and plan on making this trash interesting in some way so I resorted to lists. From here on I will be doing my best to work from memory but as we all know that will be 20% at best but for the rest I will be referring to my notes and as I reference them it will be the first time that I am seeing them since that night…so this should be interesting. The first lists will be of who came and how did they cum:

SETUP TEAM (BY CAR): These are the people that made the whole thing happen which included Dancing Fool, Jug Stain, Chef Boy Or Horse, Itemized Seduction, and of course Cousin It himself. A special shout out goes to Taco I Barely Know Her for rolling up in his man truck with a full sized grill strapped to the bed. That man is more manly than Steve McQueen. Just watching him work the grill flipping all that meat gave me the largest of erections for my man crush.

THE REST BY CAR: These are the people that went highbrow and decided to lazy their way into the hash instead of doing the traditional public transportation or something more athletic. They included Scooby Snatch (FUCK YEAH! SCOOBY WAS OUT!), Chorizo Curtains, Bunyip (The legendary hasher herself looking very sexy indeed), Target, Just John, Just Randi, Spare My Finger, 23rd Cumazone, Tits Of Steel, International House Of Virgins, Juball, Willy Wonka And The Backdoor Factory and Shop & Fuck.

SUBWAY: These are the people that truly live the Philadelphia lifestyle and hold to the tradition of taking the Broad St. line to the game so that they can get hammered and not worry about their car. They included Urine Luck, Two In The Sink None In The Pink, Just Janelle (finally back from South East Asia…just when Penetration Is Elementary disappears overseas…hmmm), Bareback Mountain, Just Chris, Just Alex, Just Manual (I must have been feeling the effects by this point as this is obviously Manual Fiesta), Just Andrew or Just Adonis or Just Amanda (which couldn’t be true seeing as he was a virgin and the brother of Just Catherine his SISTER WHO MADE HIM CUM, but I am going to go stalk Just Catherine’s fb page now and see if I can figure this out…it was Just Andrew), and Gag Reflex.

R*N THERE: These are the overachieving ass clowns that give the hash a bad name even worse than what I did. They include Cock Master And Commander (big surprise there), Just Morgan, Just Sara, Just Patrick (who is a virgin and again when it was about at this time in the list that I am getting kind of smoked cause I didn’t write down who made him cum and I can’t for the life of me remember that much less what he looked like), Menage None (this was difficult to read but I remember that my pen was dying on me and then some hero of the hash found one for me), Just Nick (now I am not sure if this was an actual Just Nick or if it was Two In The Pink And One In The Sink and I wrote his name twice, but he was there also), Gay Matthews Lamb (but for some reason I don’t recall seeing him at the tailgate but remember him getting on the boat in a full suit and a beautiful baby blue tie but apparently he ran there in the suit?), and Groundhog Lay (which I have written next to his name “but maybe not”, but I am pretty sure he was there as I recall him stuffing $20’s down my pants and then being in the back seat of my car and then being on the boat and then not being on the boat…all very confusing).

BIKED THERE: Now these two numbskulls I remember clearly as they arrived much earlier than all the rest as apparently riding a bike is the fastest mode of transportation in this city. First to arrive was Punani Purri who opted to cross the Platt Bridge on his bike. He has photographic proof of his hash stupidity to prove it. But He also left to go check out K-Lot where all the sor-whores are and came back and then rode off again for the Anthro campus where all the real talent was hidden…Oh, by the way, Gay Matthews Lamb, we need to hash out of the Anthropology Campus sometime soon. The Other biker managed to up the level of stupidity by traversing down Broad St. during rush hour. That is like playing real life frogger with your life but the cars aren't nearly as consistent in their path and the drivers want to hit you. That would be none other than Hole Patrol.

THE FOOD: This was an amazing menu which included Pretzels, trail mix, chips, cheesy puffs, cucumbers, dips, chocolates, cheezeits, fixins, salmon burgers, chicken breasts (mmmmm…breasts), hot dogs, burgers, brats, waffles from Brussels, Oreos, Samoas, and a stout beer chocolate cake made by my new hash crush Just Alex.

THE BEER: The featured BEER of the night was obviously the Cousin It concoctions. There was an APA, an IPA, and a Scottish Ale. There was plenty of other things to drink as well such as my Pinot Noir which went down fast and other libations from the hash hoard.

And we had a:

SIDE-SIDE:
It was Cock Master And Commander’s Birthday. You know, that asshole that ran over 100 miles in one day and managed to smile right through it and apparently paid like $250 to do it and all he got was this stupid T-shirt and the accolades of friends, family and beautiful women everywhere. Yeah, that guy had his side side. Those that helped in that feat were Spare My Finger, Tits Of Steel, Just Randi, Just Morgan, and the honors of tying the laces went to Just Janelle.

Followed by a:

CIRCLE:
HARES: Cousin It and Chef Boy Or Horse. SONG: Here’s To The Hares

VIRGINS: Just Patrick (Just Sara made him cum…that sounds so nice), Just Andrew (Just Catherine made him cum…that sounds so WRONG…and nice). SONG: When It’s Incest Time In Texas

Shop & Fuck started yelling hat because he overheard Just Alex say hat but Just Patrick removed the hat before he drank so now Shop & Fuck drinks (Just Alex is no longer my new hash crush)… and his beverage of choice since he didn’t have his vessel…FIREBALL SHOTS! This will remain my down down beverage for the rest of circle. SONG: You’re Stupid

LAST IN: Just Stephon who announced himself in the sexiest Barry White voice I have ever witnessed in person. SONG: Hot Vagina For Your Breakfast

AUTOHASHERS: Nearly everyone

VISITORS: International House Of Virgins (Blue Hen H3) and Cousin It (from Hockessin maybe?) SONG: FACE DOWN ASS UP

ACCUSATIONS:
1) Donald Dick accused Shop & Fuck of chip? You can see how this all went downhill pretty fast for me. Chorizo Curtains accused somebody of rumons? Jug Stain accused Just Randi of stealing Phd? Menage None accused Just Janelle of rumignathuh? SONG: Menage Trios (trios was replaced with None that much I remember).
2) Punani Purri accused Donald Dick of something with a $60 lunch. Shop & Fuck accused all those that would comment on Armageddon without having seen it…but I am pretty sure I just yelled out “Anyone who hasn’t seen Armageddon.” and this kinda makes sense once you read the overheard at the hash below) but this included Spare My Finger, Tits Of Steal, International House Of Virgins, Taco I Barely Know Her, Just Janelle (my target), Just Alex, Bareback Mountain, Up Her Ali, Donald Dick, and Itchiro? (wait, seriously, there were that many people that didn’t see Ben Affleck play with animal crackers on Liv Tyler’s amazing belly?) SONG: Rollback My Foreskin For Me
3) Just Janelle for hat in circle. SONG: Not sure, but I should have just given up at this point.
4) Donald Dick accused Chef Boy Or Horse, Bareback Mountain, and Urine Luck of needing the combined brain power of three BFMers to open a BEER. Hole Patrol accused Scooby Snatch of racist behavior of the iron man propensity. Tits Of Steel accused Just Randi of having no tattoos as none could be seen at Nittany Valley. Scooby Snatch accused somebody of tainged or maybe he accused Target of something. Gag Reflex accsused somebody of wonder taings…fuck I even had a second chance at the word and I fucked the second time too. SONG: Dinah Won’t You Blow Me
5) Hole Patrol accused Menage None of having a breakfast of tomato BEER at Nittany Valley. Punani Purri accused Just Janelle of sporting ew. Shop & Fuck accused Punani Purri of reaching puberty and cracking his voice. Cherp accused Shop & Fuck of…. SONG: Why Were You Born So Beautiful?

At this point accusations either ended or I couldn’t figure out what I was writing and gave up.

ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Punani Purri mentioned that Cousin Its Tailgate will be one year from now.

Uins phitterer gwl?

Menage None wanted us to know that on August 26th there will be a Shake Shack Quizo.

Donald Dick said we should on August 8th gel ftadra rov on August 9th.

Willy Wonka And The Backdoor Factory is reminding us that the Boston Marathon Hash is coming up so get ready.

Chef Boy Or Horse said that in two weeks on August 21st we will be doing the Blanc Hash in honor of crashing the secret all white dinner party somewhere in Philly.

Hole Patrol wanted us to know that the 548, 549, and then 549 ½ will be followed by the 550th which will be $25 for the first 50 people who pay. $40 after that.

Donald Dick will be showcasing Armageddon whenever you want to come over and see it.

Menage None wanted everyone to know that Shop & Fuck can’t suck off a pen.

OK, these notes are all over the place from this point on. But I will write them word for word and provide interpretation when possible.

OVERHEARD AT THE HASH and other fun facts and things that happened:

Bunyip was Olympic Swimmer…(which is a true fact. That elegant lady was on Olympic Senior and has the smoking little body to prove her athleticism)

Punani Purri play list throw back…(early on he provided the most excellent throw back Thursday play list)

Grill-off Jug Stain and Taco I Barely Know Her…Jug took lead 4-0. (So Taco I Barely Know Her had his super grill verses Jug Stain’s mini charcoal grill and yet she managed to get off the first four burgers of the night)

Fireball shots to start the night. (This was at the encouraging of Just Randi. So if anything I have her to blame even if I was the one that brought the bottle of that sweet sweet nectar)

Randi – Theme Song and Played…(So Punani Purri never ceases to amaze as he had ready the Eat Randi song queued up and ready to go)

Bareback not gimpy, YAY! (So we had the pleasure of having Bareback Mountain join us once again after his geriatric hip replacement surgery finally healed)

Don’t Bring up Peanuts in conversation…(I have got nothing for this)

Chris made Morgan r*n. (Just Chris apparently took the subway in to the hash and made Just Morgan r*n in on her own)

Poop App – Urine – Patent Donald Dick Investors. (So I do recall that there was to be an app created based on Urine Luck’s idea to be able to identify your poop or what you ate from your poop and that Donald Dick wanted to be the lead investor.)

Jug cocked block me with Gag. (Ok things at this point are getting a little foggy so I am not sure what happened here.)

(HAHAHAHAHA…I have no clue but)…She darksided this last weekend. Operation Fuck Her Garden. Sex midshipmen of opposite sex. (I can’t make that shit up)

If I am going to get hit on running in South Philly I might as well look good doing it. - Just Morgan

To cut cast cuts him short every three years. - Just Morgan (???)

The only vagina he can fuck my mom is this guy with the beard. (I remember there being a guy there with an awesome beard…maybe that was Just Patrick)

Just Janelle discussing the physics of Armageddon. It was just awful (Just Janelle never saw Armageddon)

Donald Dick hasn’t gone to work on a Friday since September 201D (I am guessing that is 2010 or 2013)

We Went On A Boat Mother Fuckers! (Ok these are obviously out of order and I was just writing things down in random places)

I don’t care if we pick up the whores on d list at god damn Cav’s Riverdeck! – Punani Purri

He needs a BEER when he poops – Tits Of Steel

Do you want a newspaper with that? – Spare My Finger

The other guy was more well endowed than I was

I would suck off Just Andrew for thinking I was 30

If I go to Brussels I need to go to the Delirium Café (I can’t believe I spelled delirium correctly at that point in the night).

FOR THE RECORD...I didn't drive home drunk or harm myself or anybody else or do anything morally questionable with anybody or (more importantly) thing and I didn't make any bad decisions other than to be dunkenly awesome! AND WE WENT ON A BOAT, MOTHER FUCKERS! (Sorry again, Punani Purri, for letting it bump into the dock. I will do anything you want in order to make amends).