Peer pressure had our Awesome G. M. Gay Matthews Lambsome appoint Drinker’s our gathering spot for the hash right after the 549 but not the 550.
It was a dark and stormy … no, it was actually a lovely evening, more like Spring than Summer and certainly not like Autumn. Except for that days getting shorter thing. Since I had armed myself with a new notepad and pen, I designated myself on-sec for the night and dutifully noted Jug Stain’s and Cumming Tonight’s presence in the parking lot. Once inside our destination I hugged Big Tackle, Groundhog Lay, Rape Van Winkle, Slut Cracker, Just Randi – being handled by Horny Hands – Just Sarah, Just Hannah, Quart Curtains, Urine Pittsburgh, and Gag Reflex. I love hugs. Outside I found Just Not Tube Cock – Martin with his virgins Just Beth and Just Dave. Back inside to meet Just Art, not a virgin, but not here lately and re-meet Just Doug. Then I went back outside to check the weather since it had gotten so suddenly ominous looking, and found Taco, I Barely (Hardly, Scarcely, Only Just, Almost Don’t) Know Her and, Just Keith, er, Michael Jackoff, No relation to Wolfman Jackoff. (Really, if you get named and then only come back once every 8 months, I am not going to remember your name. Also, if I met you last week and the week before, I’m not going to remember your name. Just ask all the Justs.) Va-gine-a cologist was out, too. Then Manual Fiesta and “Just Alex” arrived, as did Shop n’ Fuck, Penetration is Elementary (a.k.a. PennIE, a.k.a. PIE) and Just Janelle.
I saw Urine Luck and Gag Reflex leave with the flour and thought “What’s wrong with this picture?” I pondered the likely of a long f*cked up trail until Manual F. herded the cats outside for chalk talk. We were introduced to Just Beth and Just Dave whom we taught to tell that Just Martin made them cum. And semi-virgin Just Doug, Groundhog Lay’s Other Brother. We had a visitor, too, Rubber Pain from, I kid you not, a hash called “Eat Me,” in College Station, TX home of Texas Anum. At which point I couldn’t help but notice the large Magic Wand in the store window and approached for closer inspection. Not to be confused with the Magic Rabbit, which requires an attachment. Overheard: “Just Alex” wonders why she’s the only one who knows what a Magic Rabbit is. And with that the pack was off or On-On.
We all ran/jogged/walked east on Market for a few blocks before checking and turning north on a low numbered street. 4th maybe to another check at Chestnut. After checking where they wanted trail to go, waiting for me to catch up (riiight), we scampered west on Chestnut, veered past the Bourse and through/around the Korean War Memorial across Columbus to a check right at the Spruce Street Harbor where there was a Festival of Something or Other. The rides looked like fun, and perhaps some were tested before the pack found the check I had just reached, then found trail head north through a parking lot and up the Chestnut Street ramp for Penn’s Landing. At the check on the bridge the pack again searched until I caught up and then chased downhill on the bridge finally turning north again within a hare’s breath/hair’s breadth of the bar. I exclaimed my chagrin at the loss of Sugar Mom’s and Lucy’s Hat Box, but we kept running all the way to … Arch. One block east again to a BN at the apartment building at the corner, (Time: 8:44 O.F.T – Official Flounder Time) and a note to the hashers to buzz 3A. Or, all get on the elevator and nearly Cause a malfunction. Again. Or up the stairs, past the hopeful marking ROOF ACCESS, 4 times before finally reaching the roof. I was almost tackled by Big Tackle carrying a case of Golden Nectar up to the roof from Urine Luck’s Lucky Place. Leaving poor Taco and Michael J. (at least) buzzing and buzzing and buzzing until a neighbor let them in to join the happy pack on the roof. Eventually we had to leave and follow the flour through the parking area under Penn’s Landing and back to Drinker’s. Trail looked something like this. Trail length 1.76 miles. Trail length after checking around long enough for Cause to find pack: 2 miles. Trail length after checking too far at every check and finding all the falses – ask our visitor, Rubber Pain. If you ask me, trail was awesome. And thank you, co-hare Gag Reflex for trekking out to get the beer.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, big ice buckets were challenged to hold as many cans of Narragansett lager as possible, to quench the thirst of the pack. Or continue quenching.
All dressed up and nowhere else to be, Tits of Steel had arrived so she joined Mr. Fiesta opened circle by calling for our...
Hares: Urine “Pretty, Pretty Pittsburgh” Luck and Gag “It Says BOOBS!” Reflex
Trail was declared too long, too short, too much flour, not enough flour, too many war memorials, not enough festivals &/or pop-up parks. The m*ther-fuckers laid a Shitty Trail.
Virgins: Just Beth and Just Dave; Just (Creepy Tube Cock) Martin made them cum. After much prompting. Just Doug Groundhog Lay’s Other Brother. Semi-virgin really, but tonight he did trail.
Yup, we got ‘em drunked up and fucked up, down the hatch and up the @$.
Visitor: Rubber Pain from eATMe H3 in College Station Texas. (Look what I found on their site: Another Hash Hymnal) He led us in a rousing chorus of oh so appropriate “When It’s Incest Time in Texas” M*therfucking can’t be beat. Just sayin’
Autohashers: Tits of Steel, Spare My Finger (Bedroom), Pa-blow Picass-ho(le is that). Why Were They Born so Beautiful? <sigh>
Cums Latelies: Justs Sarah, Hannah, Art, and Martin; Cumming Tonight, Michael Jackoff, Rape Van Winkle, Slut Cracker. “Where Oh Where Were You Last Week (Month, Season, Year)?”
HAT! In circle: Just Art (who, if he came more than once a year might remember our silly traditions). He’s “Stupid. He’s really f*ckin’ dumb.”
Our favorite part of the evening – Accusations: (Okay, now for the real deciphering.)
“Just Alex”: 1 day of AA
Vaginacologist: Too sexy for his shirt
Just Doug: Hair?
Gag Reflex: Haring without haring (and when 1 hair…Urine Luck)
Shop ‘N Fuck: Like ?? SnF looks like? I dunno (Just Randi accusation I can’t read)
- You can tell by the smell that she isn’t feeling well, “When the End of the Month Rolls Around.”
Gag Reflex (the sequel): Gang behavior
Taco accused Michael Jackoff: I’ve known you all this time and I’ve never seen your legs!”
Vaginacologist (redux): Wrong Shake Shack.
Just Janelle: being a High Roller trying to pay hash cash with a Benjamin (acceptable BFM behavior, IMHO)
Just Doug (again, trend?): um, uh, NimKinPr. Channeling 2 Sink No Pink?
Something that looks like GLMineo. Anyone?
Just Martin: Showing up right before the AGM hoping to be named. (Not tonight, but there are too many Justseses).
Just Randi: Long-distance ComicCon. (And when one nerd – Rape Van Winkle drinks.)
Urine Luck: Locking peeps out of the Beer Near. (Co-hare Gag Reflex drinks again.)
Jug Stain: Not being the most wasted person at Ithaca campout.
Gay Matthews Lamb: too wasted at Ithaca to know who wasn’t wasted.
- “Meet the Hashers. They’re the Biggest Drunks in History.”
Slut Cracker: Accused of being too dorky to come out to BFM.
Hole Patrol: Accused of being Cause for Deafness (singing tooooo loudly)
Spare My Finger: Has a dose of clap on her hip. (Spider bite – suuuuure)
And when Slut Cracker drinks, all Soulless Gingers drink.
- (You guessed it) “She’s Got a Dose of Clap On Her Hip”
Just David: ‘can’t go hashing’ ‘Cause he looks like Jesus.
Horny Hands: ‘fessed up to checking the weather due to darkness as Cause for Blindness did
Flounder: for complaining about Tacos (the food, not Mr. and Mrs. Taco, or would that be Mr. and Mrs. Barely-Know-Her?)
Michael Jackoff: looked (unexplainedly) thirsty.
- I didn’t write down the song ‘Cause I was drinking.
Donald Dick: Dressing in Country Club whites before Labor Day*.
[Some gobbled gook about ‘North’ involving Vaginacologist, Horny Hands,& Rubber Pain
*Donald Dick: accusation corrected to wearing Italian snakeskin shoes before the F*ck Labor Day hash.
And All Soulless Gingers. Again.
Long Time no See’ers showing up tonight so we’d recognize them next week: Just Martin, Rape Van Winkle
SF 25 yo ? Shop ‘N’ Fuck and a 25 year old? (acceptable) SnF is a 25 year old? (sounds like bullshit to me)
Flounder (again! – he confessed to me later this caused him to be tipsy.): commended for his awesome piss stream.
[Taco their MF made up burrito Iwimp ????????????]
- “…Juicy Pussy has a way with my v-a-g-i-n-a” [(I really feel funny typing this at work.)]
- ? Babs Boobs Philly hash $25?
- September 27th – Throw Yourself Out of a Plane. (ah, no thanks) Not a hash.
- Gag Reflex spent Labor Day in the Poconos.
And a Naming:
Just Alex – on your knees!
Worth a Cab, Manual Entry, Tittie Cookies, Puppy Tears, Hot Vagina for your Breakfast, Lake Titticookie, Polar Face. Nope.
Welcome Red Hot Chili Pussy !
Cause for Blindness