Already at the Institute when we arrived were Gay Matthews Lamb , Just Chris, Just Alper (GhuillieMon), CockMaster and Commander, Just Beth, Just Jesus (Praise Cheeses!), Just Tag/Ted/Turd, and a local guy enjoying a whisky and iPhone. My first order of business was to find out what Just Not Tube Cock Martin had been named. J. Beth told me that he was on his knees, ready to be named something about 71 virgins missing when J. Alper blurted out “You Koran, But You Cannot Hide” which became his name. But(t) of course, he hasn’t showed up since, so I don’t know … Anyway, more half-minds showed up: Rape Van Winkle and Slutcracker, Chasez Boyz, Tits of Steel dressed as a rainbow, Just Jason, Just Randi, Just Hannah, Uncle Fester, our Princeton/Bimbo couple AutoErotica and Gopher Hole, our temporary transplant, Pissticide, Just John, Urine (Pretty Pretty Pittsburgh) Luck, Just (not the Unabomber nor Jesus) Andrew, Just Christine, Belly Dancer visiting for a very short time from Miami. Chalk Talk with the usual marks, although we were skeptical about the “BN” since our hares were Just Dave (Jesus) and Just Chris.
This was my kind of trail; with two hares, all the checks were real checks with real falses included which kept our usual FRB’s busy while the less agile among us caught up with the pack. We were on the median on Spring Garden, we went round and round on Ridge, found trail that let to a Song Check, then wondered if trail just kept going or was a real check. I picked the just kept going option and we were on both sides of the always fun Ben Franklin Parkway, around (and through) the fountain at Logan Square, past several museums, then north again. By now the pack is wondering “Where the f*ck is the Beer Near?” (Was?) Spring Garden, to Green Street, (Uh oh) and, another Song Check in front of Enon Baptist Church, where the choir took a break just in time to hear “And sucked out the wad I shot in!” (That’s disgusting). Chasez Boyz and I were now aiming straight to the Green Room when trail turned south at 16th and we thankfully found the pack packed into the itty bitty back room of Kelliann’s. Eventually everyone had a glass and Lite Beer or real Lager and/or water. We regaled each other with stories of where trail was lost and found and shortcutted until the hares were, um, requested to think about setting the rest of trail. Even if we weren’t going to follow it, we certainly weren’t going to leave before the hares, but should we order even more pitchers? Eventually J’s Dave & Chris did leave and we followed trail back onto Spring Garden and back to the Institute without crossing itself. (A pre-festivus mini-miracle.)
Back in the Upper Room we found a passle of auto-hashers dressed too nicely for the hash, including our Dear Leader, Gay Matthews Lamb, Pablow PicassHole is That, He’s a Lesbian, Semen sur la Poop Deck, Groundhog Lay, Manual Fiesta and Red Hot Chili Pussy, and the ever lovely Splashback.
The cats were herded up for circle by Mr. Fiesta and Ms. Steel. And my handwriting instantly became illegible.
- J. Chris and J. Dave were shitty hares or laid a shitty trail.
- Mr. Luck and Tits O’ Steel were first and last in (or at least were next in my notebook).
- The aforementioned Auto Hashers (GML,PP, HaL, SPD, GL, MF, RHCP, S.) were publically pissed on – or ought to be.
- Princeton hashers are no longer visitors so AutoErotica and Gopher Hole will have to wait to drink.
- The Cums Latelies: Cause and Flounder, Groundhog, J Randi, Splashback, He’s a Lesbian were made to drink while the pack bemoaned our fat lazy absence.
Accusations, real or imagined:
- J Alper accused He’s a Lesbian of drinking too daintily for a military man
- GML accused Manual Fiesta of his leftover Movemeber Fu Man Caterpillar on his face
What I wrote next but can’t really decipher:
- Rape Van Winkle – Groundhog Lay Best Buy
- J Beth – J Alper an hour early
- Slutcracker – Chasez Boyz stuck finger G.H. (Gopher Hole) not enjoying it
- J Tag/Ted accused the Hares of taking us past the Franklin Museum but not letting us see the inside-out animals. And when one Jesus drinks, so does the Unabomber
- Unknown Hasher – Nerd Name Tag
- G. M. Lamp (I mean Lamb . . . but I love Lamp) – Semen on the Poop Deck not wearing a turtleneck now that it’s the season. Declared False
- Someone (Just Tag?) accused the Jesusses of an identity crisis (I think. I definitely wrote “Identity Crisis” in my little book.)
- Pablow Picassho accused J Tag of being a sexy porn star
- Urine Luck – J. Alper = Swamp Thing (he doesn’t know what you’re talking about). And when one turtleneck drinks, so do Mr. Poop Deck and Flounder.
- CockMaster AND Commander accused/complimented Gopher Hole for his Canadian Tuxedo. And suddenly when one vistor drinks, AutoErotica drinks, even though they were declared not visitors. What, you want logic at the hash?!?
- J Hannah was proclaimed too happy and thirsty
- Pablow Picassho(le is that) accused Urine Luck of “dealing and not squealing” which was declared False.
- Then HaLesbian reminded Pablow of “who smelt it, dealt it” rule – declared False.
- Pissticide accused the hares of not having enough glasses at the Bear Near. And when one bald guy drinks, it’s almost a social (Lesbian, Fester, Andrew – Andrew? Why did I put down Just Andrew, Jesus the sequel?)
- J Beth accused Gay M. Lamb of not knowing the words to Do Re Mi (Dough, Ray, Me)
- Something about Pissticide and Jesus
By now control of the circle is on its death bed. And my scribbling and shorthand are too.
- GML – Lesbian, Uh Oh . . . Bald Guys
- Unknown Hasher – GML, perfectly coiffed hair . . . R. V. Winkle
- J TagorTed – Rape not into Dungeons and Dragons
- Uncle Fester – Bearded Fuckers . . . Chasez Boyz, Groundhog Lay, Urine Luck
- PP - ?, False
- UL – Cockmaster & Commander, Beard
- Virgin Jason (oops we did have a virgin and I forgot who made him cum, but I do recall that he was reluctant to admit it.) – J. Tag, too impatient. (Hmm, maybe J. Tag brought Jason.)
- GML – J. Randi, thinking J. (Unabomber) Andrew looks like GML
- He’s a Lesbian – Red Hot Chili Pussy, thought we were inquiring about fingers in Beards.
- Chasez – Slutcracker, Gl H. Acc. (I have no idea) . . all Soulless Gingers
- Manual Fiesta – Princeton hashers (Auto Hole) run too much.
- Donald Dick – Latest addition to the Autohasher League.
- Splashback was given a Birthday Side-Side.
- Festivus (you missed it) is a Pub Crawl, so don’t wear r*nning clothes.
- Festival of Lights is next week (tonight)
- Chair – Big 10 Networking Event
- Jubal is the new Philadelphia HHH G.M. and the Philly hash is now once a month unless someone volunteers to set an extra trail. Next Philly Hash is Jan. 1 Mummers. Also a BFM hash since it is a Thursday, and we’ll still be drinking a 8:00 p.m.
That’s all Folks,
Cause for Blindness