This is the first time I’m writing trash. So I have two warnings:
1. This is going to suck because I have no idea what I’m doing
2. This is probably going to be the longest trash I’ll ever write. I am certain that as time goes by, I’ll get much lazier.
- 7:08pm: At our humble abode in Trenton (read: Fishtown), I tell Pissy Elliot we have to leave at 7:15 in order to get to the hash on time
- 7:15pm: Pissy Elliot isn’t ready to go. Shocker.
- 7:17pm: We sprint to catch the el.
- 7:something pm: As we’re getting off the train, we run into The Period Changes Everything, and get lost walking the block and a half to Tango.
- 7:53pm: Someone asks what time it is, so I have a timestamp again. We draw straws sometime after that, and Hot Cocklate draws the short straw. She asks Pissy Elliot and I if we want to have a threesome with her. We (dis)respectfully decline. She ropes Just Dr. Dave and Just Tori into being her co-hares.
- 8:0trail: Urine Luck is wearing jeans during Chalk Talk. I think he’s a weirdo. Then he announces he’s autohashing. Chalk Talk says there’s going to be a “back check curvy penis.”
I’m serious when I say that I had every intention of checking the exact time and taking notes along trail. But it was cold as fucking shit. If the entire state of Delaware can cancel school for a day due to extreme cold, I think I can cancel my on-sec commitment.
BUT I still kept a few mental notes to jot down at the beer check. Too bad the beer check was AN ENTIRE MARATHON away from Tango. Seriously, while at the beer check (at Coco’s, which, as the crow flies, is probably 18 feet from Tango), I was asking fellow hashers to recount every single bar we passed on trail that they thought could MAYBE provide an oasis from the frostbite-inducing cold. In response to this survey, Hot Cocklate said, “We thought Wishing Well, and then it wasn’t.”
What do you mean, “and then it wasn’t”?! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PICKED IT! Maybe I was just frozen or drunk (or both), but I wasn’t too pleased by this response. But she said it in such a sweet, high-pitched voice, that who could possibly be mad at that?
Anecdotes from Trail
- In the words of The Period Changes Everything: “On Sec, On Check” – while congregated at a corner, frozen and annoyed by the distance between Tango and the beer check, I asked, “Has anyone even seen a mark?!” Apparently I was standing on a check.
- About two blocks into trail, we hit a check right by a group of construction workers doing roadwork. After hearing some of us call out, “ON-ON,” and seeing 6 or 7 people run by, they called out, “They went that way!” pointing north. So, duh, we ran north. Nope. Trail went east. Bastards.
- At one point the man in the ghillie made an appearance and tripped Penny then mysteriously vanished.
- There was a song check in front of Independence Hall. In his full Jason Vorhees ski mask, Shop N Fuck jumped up on a bench and led the back in a harmonious rendition of “Oh the weather outside is frightful, but my cock is so delightful…” Yeah, that’s going to look great on their security cameras.
- Song Check note numero dos: Cause did it on her own. Because when is she ever with the pack? Apparently she sang “A Hymn for the Hares.”
- Donald Dick threw fireworks on trail and leaned too far back in his chair at the Beer Near.
- Just Beth and I pranced through Washington Square Park a la Wizard of Oz after spotting, quite literally, the worst true trail mark ever. Considering trail didn't actually follow in the indicated direction.
- Just Beth: “I’m not any part of this."
JB: “They’re all dried up.”
C4B: “Not enough stroking."
CIRCLE; or, a double file line down the first floor of Tango:
(the following are direct quotes from my notebook. I’m not really sure what they all mean.)
- SHITTY TRAIL for hares (shocker part 2)
- VISITORS – Urine Luck fucked up something, so the pack did the whole Ziggy Zaggy song; “Here’s to brother hashers”
- AUTO HASHERS – “Raise your hands,” someone called out BEER. I wrote down “Love Me Tender” in my notebook… I don’t remember why.
- CUMS LATELIES (LATELYS?) – “All sick masochistic hares who makes us run through the cold, cold night.”
Just John -> Penny; “where’s the check?!”
Shop -> hares; until his balls thaw
SONG: Form banana
2. Chorizo -> Dr. Just Dave; colder balls than her neck
Chorizo -> Urine Luck; fucking up the banana song
Just Tag -> Cockmaster, in absentia; choosing the penis-shaped bar
Just Alper -> Chorizo; trible kicker (I don’t know what that means)
Shop -> Period; depicting hibernating balls (??)
SONG: “Cold balls over my shoulder”
3. Just Beth -> C4B; something about balls
Period -> Chorizo; warding off vampires with garlic
Just Alper -> Just John; a tee-shirt of PI belts
Shop -> 3 Balls; hidden racist
“And when one Tits drinks, all Tits drink” – of Steel; Chicken Little; Honey I Shrunk The
SONG: “When it’s incest time in Texas”
QUOTE: “Make a hole!”
4. Pissticide -> Shop; being stupid and proud and something about balls
Shop -> Splashback; being internet famous [editor’s note #1: for porn.]
CLT -> PIE; edamame in circle [editor’s note #2: it was totally worth it.]
Just John -> Urine Luck; not calling in first in/last in, which is the only thing that ever gets Cause in circle
SONG: “His one skin hangs down to his…”
5. Just Beth -> Shop; butterfly question mark
Shop -> Mary Poppins; what sick motherfucker comes all the way from Delaware just for a hash?
Urine Luck -> Tits; where’s goat fucker?
Shop -> all goat molesters (J.Beth and Commando Christ)
Chorizo -> CLT; kicked off the Rocky movie set
SONG: “Me undies, no more frozen balls?” (Huh?)
- J.John - HAT IN CIRCLE!!!! (I wrote that in all caps and a lot of underlines. Apparently that’s bad? Apparently someone did that?)
- Shop – bald motherfuckers
- Shop – Feb 27, hashtagremembernothing
- Pissticide – Sunday will be 50 degrees warmer. Go to…something.
- Shop – Feb 28, Kenzo [editor’s note #3; I am boycotting this event on professional/ethical principal.]
Just Beth is named!!! Is it...
- Mary Magdagoat? Nope.
- Mary Milked-a-goat? Really, no.
- Back Action Hammer? Nope.
- Totes Ma Gotes? Nahhhhh.
- Open your mouth and let me finish? Sorry, J.Alper.
- Goat Stroker? Close, but no cigar.
- It’s ACTUALLY… Silence of the Goats!!!!
Post Script: For what was not the first time at a hash, the newly-christened SOTG decided to milk Shop as if he were a goat. In the middle of the bar. As a decent amount of upstanding patrons (well, more upstanding than this bunch of half-minds, at least) tried to pass by.
Addendum: Things I Learned While On-Secing for the First Time:
- Your first time is really awkward. And kinda sucks.
- My handwriting blows when my fingers are frozen solid.
- I don’t actually know the names of any of the hash songs. When they were sung, I just wrote down the first line. Good thing we’ve got choir practice coming up.
- I CANNOT TALK WHILE I DO THIS. IT SUCKS.
- Writing this shit up took about a third of a game of Cards Against Humanity. That’s not a short amount of time.