Chicken Little Tits, Honey I Shrunk The Tits, Chorizo Curtains, Ass Wide Shut (visiting), Horny Hands, Flounder, Gay Matthews Lamb, He's A Lesbian, Kitten Mittens, Just Ed, Just Jason, Just James, Tits of Steel, Cause For Blindness, Ass To Mouth, Jug Stains, Under the Siege, Just Tim, Just Johnny, Gellatio, Sideshow Bob Job, Fort Dix A Lot, Mary Fucking Bobbins (Poppins?), Urine Luck, Sleep In Beauty, Penetration Is Elementary, Barbara Bush, Poonani Purri, Blue Oyster Cunt, Bukkake In The Kitchen, Taco? I Barely Know Her, Just Janelle
Sampling of costumes spotted: Douche Man, Boba Fett, Quicksilver, Supermen/women in various forms, Daenerys Targaryen, Poison Ivy, Yoda, Ninja Turtle, Iron (Wo)Man
Trail #585 out of Finn McCool's was brought to us by the three-pronged haring prowess of Jug Stains, Under the Siege, and Just Jason.
I arrived at said trail armed with the stomachache of someone who'd just ordered and consumed two full-sized entrées from Honeygrow (basic bitch haven proffering kale smoothies and customizable stir-fries/salads), but chugging (haha, buttchugging) a lager dulled the gastrointestinal blow.
Urine Luck rode solo during Chalk Talk. It was short, sweet, and satisfying to all who partook—including the bar patrons who were essentially seated on top of it. Bonus points go to the shadow-cloaked man who lit up a cigarette in the teeny alley behind Urine Luck as we were going over the marks.
The first leg of our run wove through the Market East/Washington Square West districts, confusing no small number of bougie restaurant patrons in the process. We landed at Locust Bar for beer check, making sure to breathe in as much cigarette stank as possible before setting off into the night.
The second "beer" check took us down to Weccacoe Playground, about 4th and Catharine. This was a brilliant move on the part of the hares, as it offered all the typical perks of a check with the added benefit of jungle gyms and swings. Hashers rejoiced at the availability of a playground, but perhaps even more so at the surfacing of a brown paper bag containing a mystery spirit (rumors swirled that it was Calico Jack rum, but we knew better than to actually check).
As we killed an entire brown-bagged bottle of rum, it became apparent that there were actual, real children on the playground watching Iron (Wo)Man, a ninja turtle, Yoda, and other beloved characters get drunk. Yay!!!
On our way On-In, Urine Luck asked a recovering alcoholic to help us kill the last couple shots of rum, WHICH I FORGOT TO ACCUSE HIM FOR BECAUSE IT'S REALLY HARD TO THINK OF ACCUSATIONS WHEN YOU'RE SCRIBBLING!
OVERHEARD ON TRAIL:
"Quailman...is this one of them Spongebob things?" - Cause, to Blue Oyster Cunt (dressed as Quailman/Ale Man)
"Those two girls are dressed NORMAL!" - Woman who couldn't wrap her head around my non-costume/Gellatio's quasi-costume
"This guy's cosplaying as Justin Timberlake from 'Friends With Benefits.'" - Poonani? in reference to the Just who bears a passing resemblance to Justin Timberlake.
Poonani: "I wax my genitals into a Superman V AND I bleach my asshole."
Someone: "Why would you bleach your asshole?"
Poonani: "How else ya gonna get a girl to go down on your asshole?"
Cause (to passerby): "Why yes, we ARE a part of Comic Con!"
Poonani: "Why yes, I DO bleach my asshole!"
Poonani was on a roll, I guess (or he's just the only person as lazy as I am on trail).
Virgins: Just Ed (Just James made him cum), Just John (Just Janelle made him cum), Just Tim (Just Johnny made him cum)
Hares: Jug Stains, Under The Siege, Just Jason.
Song: "And the Hares!"
Visitors: Ass 2 Mouth (Lehigh), Under the Siege (Philly), Ass Wide Shut (SOH4), Kitten Mittens, and Sleep In Beauty's cape for some reason.
Song: Kitten Mittens regaled us with a period-centric take-off of "Summer of '69"
Cums Latelys: Taco? I Barely Know Her, Barbara Bush, Bareback Mountain, Semen on the Poop Deck, Poonani Purri, She's A Lesbian, Jug Stains, Chicken Little Tits
Song: "You Fat Lazy Bastards..."
Auto Hashers: He's A Lesbian, Bareback Mountain, Semen On The Poop Deck, "Rod" ?, Honey I Shrunk The Tits, and more that came later/I probably missed
Song: "To square up with your pimp" ?
Late Auto Addition: Donald Dick
Song: "You're stupid! You're stupid!"
- Poonani -> Barbara Bush for having long armpit hair
- Gellatio -> Urine Luck for being stranger danger on the playground
- Penetration Is Elementary -> Cockmaster and Commander of racist attire for his Quicksilver costume
- He's A Lesbian -> Tits of Steel for being bigger on the inside (TARDIS costume joke!)
- Honey I Shrunk the Tits -> He's A Lesbian for recycling his TARDIS joke
- Tits (I think) -> Just Tim for having a hash crash WHILE using tech on trail WHILE being racist
- ...and when one virgin drinks, ALLLLL virgins drink!
Song: "Whip It Out At The Ball Game"
- Urine Luck did something stupid and had to drink
Song: "Fuck you."
- He's A Lesbian -> Urine Luck for confusing Doctor Who with Star Wars (in reference to Tits Of Steel's costume). The confusion was that Tits was wearing a TARDIS dress but had a little R2D2 purse thingy, so Urine Luck claimed false accusation (he also showed his true tyrannical colors by yelling "I am the executive, legislative, and judicial branch!")
- Jugs -> GML for spilling a whole beer AND breaking the glass (which he refuted)
- Fort Dix A Lot -> (whoever was dressed as Boba Fett, sorry) for having a floppy rocket, THERE ARE PILLS FOR THAT NOW
- Poonani Purri -> Donald Dick for ruining his perfectly good Donald Duck costume by wearing pants
- Barbara Bush -> Blue Oyster Cunt for "stuffing pants huge dong" (?)
- Cockmaster -> Semen for not wearing a turtleneck
Song: "There's a skeeter on my peter..."
- Donald Dick -> Cockmaster for forgetting to use...I can't read my handwriting, but the closest thing I can tell is "somly"
- Chorizo -> Barbara Bush for "long hair = long bush hair"
- Barbara Bush -> Chorizo for not being into bush
- Semen -> Urine for stuffing chocolate and nuts into his mouth (trail mix)
- Jugs -> Siege for getting lost on the trail he co-hared
- ...and when one hare drinks, ALLLLL hares drink!
- Poonani -> He's A Lesbian for getting his Uncle Fester costume slightly wrong
- ...and when one bald fuck drinks, ALLLLL bald fucks drink!
Song: "Love me tender..."
- Sideshow -> Blue Oyster Cunt for wishing he had smaller balls during trail
- Cause -> Taco for leaving some stuff behind at Stinko
- GML -> Chorizo, then Chorizo -> GML for some rigamarole involving his 6- to 8-year-old child ninja turtle costume
- Poonani -> Barbara Bush because if she doesn't shave she'll look like a Ghillie suit
- Barbara Bush -> Splashback and Hold the Sausage for having such cool costumes and not coming on trail
Song: "I'm yelling Tinderrrr"
- Fort Dix -> Blue Oyster Cunt for ???
- Chorizo -> Semen for stalking and for not dressing up as Super Semen
- Shop'n'Fuck (who just walked in, as Clark Kent) -> Hold the Sausage for "boner!!!"
Song: "Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah"
- Poonani -> Bareback for his great Vin Diesel costume
- Chicken Little Tits -> Urine Luck for wearing pants under his robe
- Barbara Bush -> ? for being "too drunk" somewhere; this was swiftly deemed acceptable hash behavior
- Urine Luck -> all the pedophiles who went on the swings with the children at the park
- ...and when one virgin drinks, ALLLLL virgins drink
- For Dix -> people who got tagged on the playground during the game of tag but didn't participate
Song: "El Camino"
WORST costume nominees:
- Semen on the Poop Deck
- Poonani Purri
- Flounder (poor rendition of Father Time)
- Under Siege
- Chicken Little Tits
Worst Costume winner: Under Siege
Prize: A "slap and tickle" kit
BEST costume nominees:
- Hold the Sausage as Khaleesi
- Kitten Mittens as Iron (Wo)Man
- Splashback as Poison Ivy
- Sideshow Bob Job as Sailor Moon
- Blue Oyster Cunt as Quailman/Ale Man
- Donald Dick as Donald Duck (extra points for de-pantsing during judging)
1st place: Sideshow/Sailor Moon
Prize: a 40 of Game Of Thrones beer
2nd place: Hold the Sausage/Khaleesi and Splashback/Poison Ivy
Prize: ??? I think a Tupperware and ???
- Shop'N'Fuck: BEER MILE the evening of May 8, at Roxborough High School track (see Facebook event)
- Ass Wide Shut: Starting the Jersey Devil H3 in South Jersey in July, so give him contact info of any South Jersey hashers!
- For Dix A Lot: Canoe trip 5/16-5/17, $60-75 a head, includes canoe, food, and booze
- Tits of Steel: Solstass June 18?
- Poonani: Come to Philly Hash on Saturdays!
Happy birthday to BARBARA BUSH!!!!!! She got side-sided yay!
Song: "Happy birthday fuck you"