Hares: Uncle Fister and Blink 5’2”
Also in attendance:
- Splash Back
- Just Peter
- Just Chris
- Bitch Better Have My $hots (birthday edition)
- Fort Dixalot
- Gay Matthews Lamb
- Slothy Seconds
- Just Colleen
- Scarf Ace
- Just “Jerry”
- Runner Girl
- Commando Christ
- Chasez Boys
- Just Joe (LVH3)
- Under the Gaydar (LVH3)
- Bambi Bondage & co. (visitors)
- Hello Titty (Montreal)
- Boner (Montreal)
- Other People’s Pussy, aka OPP
- Silence of the Goats
- Tits of Steel
- Urine Luck
- Cockmaster and Commander
- What, What mud in the butt (sp?)
- NFHN Steve
- And many others…
I never knew this would be so hard. Said no woman ever. Well ladies and gents that’s exactly what i’m saying at this point as I complete the proverbial hash mismanagement circle of life and come to you now as one of the BFM’s new on-secs. Wait a second weren’t you RA once? Huh, I thought you were GM. No you’re that guy who sells us shit and handles the money. Well now, like it or not, its time for me to muck it up as one of your new on-secs. I never knew how much time I’d spend writing shit down at the hash and not being that drunk guy in the corner. Oh to be that drunk guy in the corner. There’s always next year I suppose.
First things first, the trail. Fister and Blink led us out of Tattooed Mom on South Street, first north, then south again and eventually to a park where we had a Shot Near and re-enacted a scene from West Side Story. We were the Jets of course, or maybe the Sharks, who knows. All I know is we just played it cool, boy, real cool! Those neighborhood locals had no idea what hit ‘em. It’s our turf now.
But where are my manners. How could I forget possibly the best start to a hash I’ve ever borne witness too. Our two new firecrackers for RAs, Silence and Slothy, gave us a recap on all things 90s from Jessie Spano’s caffeine pill problem, to Joey Lawrence’s “Whoa!” and even Steve Urkel’s “Did I do that???” Not to be outdone by Silence’s vast knowledge of the 90s, Slothy screamed and yelled her way into our hearts with the most energetic chalk talk this side of the Mason-Dixon.
Now back to the trail. After nearly crossing trail and heading right back to the starting bar when we crossed over South Street, our illustrious hares took us deep south to where the Confederate flag is still a thing … wait, no, not that Deep South, I mean to the land of cheesesteaks, wit and wit-out. Our two Montreal visitors quickly made a beeline for Pat’s King of Steaks, while the rest of us made our way to the Beer Near at South Philly Bar and Grill.
Now this is where things start to get hazy. I believe we found photographic proof that Scarf Ace was once a professional hockey player for the Flyers. See attached photo to decide for yourself. What, What decided by this point, or maybe it was at the Shot Near, to rip her M.C. Hammer pants right down the crotch. TMNT Donatello, played by Just Colleen, strutted her stuff and Bitch $hots continued to wear so many 90s patterns that it made your head spin.
Eventually we all made it back to Tattooed Mom where it was party time, excellent! woo hoo woo hoo woo.
Things overheard at the hash:
“If you can fit it, we can punch it”
“Is that a carrot skinner?” - referring to the hole punch
“So what does a merkin smell like?” - pantyphile
Something about someone having dick fingers
Other things I happened to write down:
-I have buttslap ESP - Cummingtonite
-Apparently Cummingtonite thought this was an ugly sweater party, but to be specific Bill Cosby-esque when he was doing the Jello commercials, not now with the whole sex thing
-And finally, when Bitch $Hots handled that side-side like a boss (you other hashers take notes)
Well that’s it for this week’s trash. Tune in next week when we recount the utterly embarrassing memories from the Green Dress Pre-Lube (BFM #629).
Gay Matthews Lamb, GR