Hares: Tits of Steel, Gay Mathews Lamb
Just Black Krispy
Just Angry Andrew
Just Anthony (Taintless Love)
Cause for Blindness
The Period Changes Everything
Tits of Steel Urine Luck
Hold the Sausage
Little Fuckin’ Winkie
Bitch Better Have my $hots
Too many god damn hashers to list
Tits and Gay Mathews lead us on a seven-mile run. Fortunately, we had Pantyfile’s 80’s Leprechaun outfit and Taintless Love’s glass-cutting nips to keep us going. Goose tried to pull a “Toy Story” by crossing the road under a giant traffic cone. We paused briefly to watch a classy game of night bocce. Taintless Love was the first of many to be Fucked under a bridge in a dark alley shortly before finding the much needed beer check.
After fueling up on beer, we headed under the dark, sketchy looking bridge where Goats had the most brutal, bloody and yet somehow also the most graceful looking hash crash we’ve ever seen. Just Jason and Goose held hands and skipped adorably through crowds of people. Just Colleen fully transformed into the trumpet lady, blowing her horn angrily at Drexel’s bird-flipping rascals.
We stopped for a quick, delicious jello shot check by the river. Cummingtonite and Slothy practiced their dance moves for Slothy’s quincenera. Then we were off again!
When we FINALLY got back to Bonners, we were joined by an uninvited visitor who was probably high on life and definitely high on drugs. Fort Dixalot almost had to “take it outside” for calling Goose a booger face. The visitors showed us the D. Just Chris celebrated his birthday by letting us pour beer on his face and tie his shoelaces together. Taintless Love and Urine Luck were too busy rubbing each other’s nipples to notice any of this.
Just Anthony was FINALLY named! It was a close run between Taintless Love and Huevos Taintcherros but Taintless love was the winner!
Taintless Love - You’ll always be Andrew’s Lil Bitch
Goose – Shop n Fuck Impersonator/ alcohol abuser
Lance Asstrong – I don’t like riding it when it’s smooth
Suck a Dick. Mic Drop.
Bitch $hots, OUT