Where: ADPs Blair Witch 7th Ring of Hades
Hares: Amy Death Pants, Sex Toys for Tots
Amy Death Pants
Baaa Ram Him!
Gay Matthews Lamb
Pounded in the Can
Sex Toys for Tots
Silence of the Goats
Tits of Steel
Where's My D?
You May Go
Just Emo Kid
Just Jumping Ryan
Just Asian Mike
Just Other Mike
As an espoused atheist - I don't believe that there is any rational, credible evidence supporting the existence of a vengeful monster in the sky. HOWEVER, after last night's trail, I can unequivocally state that the Devil does in fact exist...
AND HER NAME IS AMY DEATH PANTS (cue ominous lightning and thunder effects).
The night began innocently enough. The banter was flowing just as smoothly as the beer. Gay Matthews Lamb brought his usual, exuberant disposition. Gag Reflex poo'd just once - a swift and well-ordered affair. And 7 out of 7 harriettes agreed: Baaa Ram Him wasn't creepy at all, but rather, "a fine, satisfactory fellow".
Yes, all was quiet at 4320 Lauriston Street. The blissful tone, however, was short lived.
Before describing the night's subsequent events, first, you’re entitled to a bit of background.
Amy Cat Pants was born Amy-Lynn Caterina Pantaloni, the only child of proud Russian/Jewish and Italian immigrants. She was a precocious and adventurous child, showing an early aptitude for such skills as bow hunting, orienteering and potion-making. At age 5, she prepared a healing salve that was credited with saving a gravely injured Marsican brown bear, a creature that she herself bolted through the neck because it “displeased her”. The date was 01 DEC 1996.
This was but the first of a string of grisly red flags that presaged Amy-Lynn’s sadistic whimsy.
In another, yet unexplained “coincidence” – shortly after a Pantaloni family trip to the National Zoological Gardens in Pretoria, South Africa, no fewer than nineteen wildlife species suffered catastrophic colony collapse (CCC), including the now extinct Pickergill reedfrog. Amy-Lynn was 10 years old.
In December of 2009, Amy-Lynn fled her hometown of Jonestown, PA amidst a sea of fear and speculation following the inexplicable disappearance of the entire 3rd grade class of Jonestown Elementary School. Precisely one year to the day after the incident, all 18 children reappeared in their classroom as mysteriously as they had vanished, with absolutely no knowledge that any time had passed. Although there is no indication as to why or how, every resident of Jonestown knows in their bones who was to blame for the mysterious event. To this day, the residents of Jonestown commemorate December 1st, not only to celebrate the safe return of their children, but also to rejoice that the source of so much fear and pain, Amy-Lynn, is gone from their lives forever.
Amy-Lynn Caterina Pantaloni relocated to suburban Philadelphia shortly before her 23rd birthday. In an attempt to reinvent herself and escape her past, she legally changed her name to Amy Cat Pants. Almost immediately, Amy found normalcy in her new home and companionship at the BFM. The horror of her past had long since been forgotten…
…UNTIL LAST NIGHT.
It started with a seemingly innocuous cheers to life and friendship, over a single shot of jade green liquid which, curiously, Amy herself was not present to drink. Every other participant (myself included) did imbibe. Admittedly, reader, my recollection of events from the moment the draught touched my lips cannot be relied upon. I do, however, recall notes of dried lavender and wild elderberry, followed by a fleeting sensation of euphoria as the tonic seeped into me. The potion settled at my core, much as I imagine a nascent embryo might nestle, knowingly, in its mother's nurturing womb. In that ephemeral moment I had the distinct thought – this would be the best night of my life.
Then, in a dizzying instant, each and every person in the room began to lurch and heave in agony as the noxious brew burned through our insides. The bliss we had felt just moments earlier had served only to amplify the misery that we were now feeling – the tonic’s true effect. Every person in the room came to the same, terrifying realization: we had all been poisoned.
Cruelly, ADP announced her sinful intentions, knowing that we, fully entranced, were helpless to resist. To our shock she decreed that we would embark on a journey where half would live and half would die – but none would know their lot. In her warped mind, this unrepentant sadism served as her idea of fairness – her unholy morality. Oh, reader, to behold such evil may yet be worse than death!
Despite holding absolute dominion over her captives, ADP pitilessly fed us more poison throughout our dark journey, keeping us on the cusp of life and death – indeed, on the brink of our very sanity! In a flash of courageous disobedience, Baaa Ram Him attempted to expel the vile poison! He wretched and spewed and spat the venom from his core! I would swear that I saw a glimmer of light returning to his eyes when in the distance I heard laughter… Amy Death Pants’s cruel, taunting laughter. In that moment the haze returned to Baaa Ram Him’s eyes, and he mindlessly continued his march into oblivion. If I live a thousand lifetimes, I shall never forget that merciless laughter!
In her capriciousness, Amy Death Pants afforded us one single opportunity to save our souls. She pronounced that our lives would be spared if one person among us, our leader – Fort Dixalot – could ignite the Torch of Rhyallnor and send it unharmed into the heavens. His attempt, I’m saddened to say, was feckless and altogether ineffective. THIS is our appointed leader!!? Such doom to have fallen upon us!! Oh, would that there were some imminent event whereby he might be replaced!!
And so it came to pass: twenty human souls filed into those woods last night and only ten emerged unharmed. I was among those who were spared. The souls who were sacrificed included Fort Dixalot and all nine “Justs”. They have been condemned to forever walk the earth as mindless shades of their former selves.
Now you all know the truth about Amy Cat Pants. DO NOT be deceived by her affable demeanor and infectious smile! Make no mistake… THE WOMAN IS PURE EVIL.
Gag Reflex OUT FOR THE YEAR.