Hares? Pounded in the Can and Fort Dixalot
Ass Ass 'Nation
Bah Ram Him
Just Adam (Virgin brought by MacGyver)
Just Christian (Virgin brought by Emo Kid)
Just Lisa 2.0
Just Sam (Virgin brought by Bah Ram Him)
Orgy Pordgey Pudding
Post-Traumatic Goose Disorder
Pounded in the Can
Seamen on the Poop Deck
Sex Toys for Tots
Silence of the Goats
Socks to Be You
What What in the Butt
(I apologize if I missed anyone or any names are misspelled!)
The night began at the coolest bar ever! It had a orange cat who spent his/her time sleeping and scratching the shit out of me. I loved every second of the sadism. However what was almost just as cool was that this would be Pounded in the Cans first ever hared trail for the BFM! She now truly is ours, Pittsburgh! Her co-hare happened to be our new RA and past GM, Fort Dixalot. Together they laid one epic trail filled with butt slaps and paintings of vegetables.
The group gathered outside for circle, where Egg Fucker introduced us to the one and only CONE OF SHAME/ SILENCE. Unfortunately Egg Fucker and the CONE OF SHAME/SILENCE did not make it on trail so instead Emo Kid found us a new CONE OF SHAME/SILENCE that was just a tad dirtier and may or may not have been covering a manhole or something. The Cone was not the only thing forgotten on trail that night either. We all made sure to shame Ass Ass 'Nation for forgetting our horn. Too bad we didn't have the CONE OF SHAME/SILENCE to perch upon her head. Slothy Seconds showed up late too but we forgave her because she's a sloth and all. At circle besides the usual marks, we had marks for shot quests and butt checks. I'm still confused to why the butt check mark is a 'W'.
Once we headed off into the abyss of Poplar we hit our first song check only to butcher the lovely "Jack the Necrophiliac". I teared up as symphony of voices screeched out loud at various intervals. I may have also teared up because it was cold as my non-existent balls and dick outside too. Luckily we hashers are some smart people and began to jump to keep warm because penguin huddles are over rated now. I'm happy to say "El Camino", started by Silence of the Goats and Sex Toys for Tots was a bit more successful. On our way to the shot quest I passed a lovely muggle who wished me a happy birthday and inquired to why a bunch of people were running in 20 degree weather. I believe this statement was meant for 60k9, but I understand the mix up.
Our shot quest wasn't much of a quest, as it was more of a shot near. Was it the best shot quest ever though! We downed jello shots and half frozen gummy bears soaked in god knows what. During this time we learned that Silence of the Goats is indeed a tooth doctor, know matter what she or the medical board of Pennsylvania says. Some were skeptical most likely due to goats confirming she does not indeed Vajazzle*.
Back on trail Emo Kid showed all of us off as he sprinted past while smoking what I assumed were Camel Crushes. At this time Judge Doody and I were debating a Just's name. Judge Doody insisted it was Eugene. It was not Eugene. However this reminded me of the Hey Arnold! character, Eugene*. You know who's the Eugene of hash I realized in that moment? Goats. Goats is Eugene! It all made sense now. We still don't know that Just's name to this day. While she may be klutzy, this didn't stop Goats and Bitch $hots from giving me a double ass slap. It was the highlight of my year so far, along with teaching Goats what Goating* was as well. I told her she was going to make up half of my trash. I also danced by myself to some lovely music coming out of a random building.
As we trekked on to our Beer Near, Orgy almost killed her dog Suki, in which she declared is why she does not have children. Suki is one tough pup though and made it by the hair of the dog! As we arrived to our Beer Near we soon discovered it was a green house in which a homeless person had been squatting in, according to Pounded in the Can. While I never like intruding rudely into someones home, I was very cold and wet. I had somehow spilled water all over myself and my notes while running. Perhaps I'm the Eugene of the group... I chuggwed half a beer with my fellow hashers as we explored our new abode. There were not just dead vegetables, which What What assumed were spinach but had too much common sense to eat, as suggested by myself. Stacked in the back of the green house, we discovered paintings of every vegetable and fruit possible. I pretended to deep throat a cucumber while holding a peach painting in front of my vaj hasher style. What What and I tried to figure out what a parsippany was too. After further google research, i'm still not sure.
After leaving the green house we came across a fabulous playground with equipment that looked like it belonged in a torture dungeon. The medieval contraption even put a splinter in Bah Ram Him's ass. Then we were back in the Institution to warm up and begin circle! Accusations were thrown around like Donald Trumps tiny hands. Taintless Love was called out for what I personally thought was a very classy cut off t-shirt. With his nipples hard, it was hard to redirect my attention enough to see there was a jug labeled PCP on it. I was also feeling hot and heavy around Egg Fucker when I realized after staring at his crotch, that his zipper was undone. Accusation called. Along with these Ass Ass 'Nation was called out for digging up Silence of the Goats butt, Seamen on the Poop Deck for not wearing his usual turtle neck, and Bah Ram Him for not only puking on trail but losing his ID as well to Sex Toys for Tots. Hah! Who's the Where's my D now? What What (or should i say Runner Girl) took this time to also announce her Fat Boy trail on March 12th and Taco Tuesday March 7th. We did a side-side with 60k9 for his birthday and circle was closed with Jumping Ryan ceremoniously turning into a chicken.
If you have gotten this far than bless your little heart! See you half-minds soon!
Where's my D?
*Vajazzle- Vajazzle is a verb that means to put bright and shiny stickers on your vagina. It can sometimes hurt. ("Vajazzle". Urban Dictionary. N.p., n.d. Wed. 22 Feb. 2017.)
*Eugene- Eugene is the class Jinx despite his name meaning "born lucky"...He is prone to several forms of misfortune.("Eugene Horowitz." Hey Arnold Wiki. N.p., n.d. Wed. 22 Feb. 2017.)
*Goating- Putting your balls under you ass when you moon someone screeming "GOAT!!!!" ("Goating". Urban Dictionary. N.p., n.d. Wed 22 Feb. 2017.)