Where: The Bayou Bar & Grill, Manayunk
When: Thursday, March 2nd, 7:30p HST
Who hared? 60k9 and Disasterbator (formerly Just Micah)
Just Andrew (Richard? Dick?)
Ass Ass In Nation
Baaa! Ram Him
Bitch Better Have My $hots
May I Cum On Ya?
Orgie Porgie Puddin’ n’ Pie
Pounded in the Can
Sex Toys for Tots
Silence of the Goats
Tits of Steel
Just Maia (via Just Thadeus)
Just Matthias (via Just Thadeus)
Just Sahar (via Disasterbator)
Just Jess (from West Virginia Mountainbeers H3)
Whoa, what are these strange symbols on the ground? I think we need our Religious Advisor, Fort Dixalot, to help us out. Does anyone know where he is?...HAS ANYONE FUCKING SEEN FORT DIXALOT?! Oh, here he is. He was late! Can you all say “late”? Great job! That’s right, Dixalot, you are the “RA for currently” and we will “sing a little dandy.” Oh right, we’ve seen most of these symbols before but there is a new one:
Goddammit, guys, there sure are a lot of hills. We need some help mounting them. *cue Drake’s “Started From the Bottom”* Wait, what’s that sound? It’s Silence of the Goats and her trusty bumpin’ jams emanating from her backside! Boy, those beats sure do get me sprung to keep going and even make Just Thaddeus attempt parkour...poorly. Speaking of jams, why has everyone stopped? Oh, it’s a song check. Sing along with me, kids: “Asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be…” Down the stairs we contin...oh no, there’s a true trail right arrow here but half our pack has gone straight. Help me call them back. Nice work!
Guys, I think we found our second paw print! The clue says, “<--- Hint: 2 cups.” What could it mean? Hmm, could it mean “2 girls, 1 cup”? Mercifully, no. What's that? Right! We have to find 2 cups. Oh shit, they’re fucking sippy cups filled with flat beer? How are we supposed to drink this swill quickly? Take the lid off, you say? Good idea, that’s so much easier! Oh fuck, hide! Ass Ass In Nation thinks she saw a siren! Phew, it was just her being silly with her headlamp. Let’s all shame the silly hasher as we search for more clues. There goes another silly hasher, Pantyphile, ducking in and out of random alleyways between houses. What could he be up to? *cue the sound of urination* You know what? Better that we not find out.
Hooray! Another song check. “I fucked a dead whore by the roadside…” “FUCKING F**GOTS!” Why, that was our good friend, Random Belligerent Asshole! Say hi, everyone!
And who’s this over here? It’s Just Shane. Let’s help him with his favorite hobby, Grand Theft Landscaping. Can you point to the fence, garden gnomes, and misshapen rocks that he’d like to steal from innocent, unsuspecting Muggles? Nicely done!
Hey, it’s our second favorite thing, a Shot Near! Into the woods we go. Drink up the delicious(?) flat soda and rum, kids. What’s that, Just Sahar, you want more? And more again? Well, sure! Anything to distract from Judge Doody pleasuring Just Sukey. All done? Then let’s find more clues. I hear Pounded in the Can shouting “On Three!” For shame, Pounded, but let’s follow her anyway for “it is a truth universally acknowledged that hashers are always yelling.” “Big Vagina Carrots!” screams Ass Ass by way of warning us all to Be Very Careful crossing these streets of Yunk-adelphia and now she’s leading us in another song check. (Dose of) clap along, gang! Hmm, I think we’re almost back to our Bayou home and, yep, there goes Pantyphile bearing a red flag likely stolen from a construction site to “lead” us On-In! But we haven’t found our last clue or our friends. Where could they be?
Look! There’s 60k9 and Just Micah, they’ve been waiting for us this whole time at our home! It’s so good to see them that we should Circle up around them and thank them for their S-H-I-T-T-Y trail. That is, once Fort Dixalot stops having a coughing fit and gets this Circle started. Oh no, I’m also having a fit during “El Camino” and can’t sing the song right! Can you all help me? No? Well, piss off then! Next, let’s play a game: can Just Sahar tell Señor Ballz and me apart? No! But what’s that? Did Slothy Seconds just say “proclivity”? That’s the Secret Word!! Everyone scream real loud! It also looks like it’s someone’s special day: it’s Bitch Better Have My $hots’ near-birthday! Hashy birthday, Bitch $hots, fuck you!
What’s happening here? Just Micah is down on his knees but it’s not Tuesday. Ah, he’s about to transform into a named hasher. What will he emerge as? Sofa King Wet? Critical Piss? No! Let’s say hi to our new friend, Disasterbator, as he down-downs from Blue(balls)’ doggie bowl! He’s a hasher through and through and we wish him well in the faraway land of Chicago.
Well, that was another great adventure, half-minds! Say goodbye, Blue(balls)! Goodbye forever until next week! And may the hash go in peace!
Baaa! Ram Him