Where: Bonne...nope...Cherry St. Tavern, Logan Square
When: Thursday, March 9, 2017, 7:30p HST
Who hared? Slothy Seconds and Silence of the Goats
Ass Ass In Nation
Baaa! Ram Him
Bitch Better Have My $hots
Blink 5' 2"
Cause For Blindness
El Poopa Cabra/Upper Cunt
Gay Matthews Lamb
May I Cum On Ya
Orgie Porgie Puddin' N' Pie
Other People's Pussy (OPP)
Post Traumatic Goose Disorder
Pounded in the Can
Sex Toys For Tots
Taco? I Barely Know Her!
Tits of Steel
Up Her Ali
Wat Wat Mud In The Butt
Where's Mi D?
Just Elvis (via Ass Ass In Nation)
Egg Fucker (LVH3)
Maybe It’s Gaybelline (EWH3)
Moroccan Mole (S.H.I.T. H3)
My Holes Matter (H5)
Psychadelic Cumfountain (Blooming Fools H3)
Tuck Tuck Deuce (EWH3)
Weird Al Spankabitch (Blooming Fools H3)
Wreath Around (Chicago H3)
*cue ‘BoJack Horseman' theme'*
Back on last Thursday
I was at a very famous kennel, yo!
I'm Baaa!Jack the horse
Baaa!Jack the horse
Don't hash like you don't know
And I'm trying to hold on to my Pabst
It tastes so wrong
I don't think I'm gonna last
I guess I'll just try
And make you fist my hand
Cause I'm more Baaa! than a man
Or I'm more man than a Baaa!
Some Lady: *sighs* "I wouldn't know, Ryan, that question's not in my script. *clears throat* I'm standing outside Cherry Street Tavern on a cool, clear evening having just spent the last few hours with a group known as the Ben Franklin Mob Hash House Harriers. One member, or hasher, known as Post Traumatic Goose Disorder earlier described the night ahead to me as full of "debauchery, drunkenness, and dresses." Let's see how it went.
*cue pre-taped segment and Some Lady's voiceover*
Baaa!Jack Horseman: "What do you want? Can you move that light back a bit, it's making me look blotchy. Yeah, we're a drinking club with a running problem and tonight is our kick-off for Philly Green Dress Weekend. So we'll r*n a little trail, sing a lot of songs, drink A LOT of drinks, and generally have a good time. That's what we call . . . Hashin' Around!"
"On-out for chalk talk, wankers!" That’s Sex Toys for Tots, the Grand Master of this group. Sure enough, there is white powder all over the ground outside the bar but, unlike Hollywoo, it is most likely not cocaine. The Religious Advisors, Fort DixALot and Post Traumatic Goose Disorder, orient the group to tonight's trail by first introducing the (a)lone virgin, Just Elvis, to hashing, welcoming travel hashers like Egg Fucker and Wreath Around before explaining the symbols. *camera focus on an ‘F’ symbol* Fort DixALot: “Here’s our favorite mark! It means you’re FUCKED!” Some laughs but mostly groans emanate from the crowd as the BN or Beer Near symbol is clearly the crowd favorite.
And after a few last words, the pack disburses. Not all are running, though, as a Donald Dick is seen amongst the Walkers carrying a sixer of road sodas. But all are in search of “hash marks” of white powder (again, not cocaine) to catch SlothyGoats, who is tonight’s “hare.” But that’s not all the group does. Right away, a grown man known as Pantyphile runs into a random non-hasher girl, or Muggle, who just happens to be running, and immediately starts trying to recruit her into the group. This is no small feat as he is dressed like what can only be described as a leprechaun stripper….
*static* A Ryan Seacrest Type: “...or a MICK-endale’s dancer, eh, Some Lady?”
Some Lady: “I swear to God, Ryan, if you interrupt my feed again for your lame puns, I will release those photos to TMZ.” *static*
...and, unsurprisingly, this poor girl is shaken and soon alters her route. Good timing, too, as trail continues through a parking garage, up 20 flights of stairs, or what Baaa!Jack Horseman deemed “a vertical Walkers’ trail” to a lovely rooftop park and, as Urine Luck described it, “the easiest Shot Quest ever.” These are no ordinary shots, though. SlothyGoats did a business by preparing what appears to be cups filled with jizz and yet this group is gobbling them down so fast, it would make Rod Stewart blush. Next, a quick group “hashflash” on account of the lovely view...wait, do-over. Where’s Mi D? ruined the shot after getting distracted by a puppy.
As you viewers can probably tell, this group runs the gamut in age, to include a four-year-old named Squishy. Clearly, not every hasher is used to this age range, as International Dicklomat reports, “Squishy attempted to befriend Tinklebell with a leg hug causing Tinklebell to immediately freak out and run away.” More on this Squishy situation as it develops. The pack heads out to the ground floor, Floor G, or as Fort DixALot cleverly offered, “the G-Spot.”
Shenanigans ensues on trail as Gay Matthews Lamb obsesses over a blue Porta-Johns’ resemblance to the T.A.R.D.I.S. of “Doctor Who” fame (which was then immediately coined as “the T.U.R.D.I.S.” by Baaa!Jack Horseman), Tinklebell and Orgie Porgie Puddin’ N’ Pie traverse a vast water hazard (i.e. a tiny puddle), and 60k9 works on his power walk or, as International Dicklomat observes, “he’s practicing for his next dog show.” As the pack searches for their next On-On! at a check (which, again, I must reiterate is NOT cocaine), Orgie Porgie Puddin’ N’ Pie ponders out loud “Are we in University City?” while being bathed in the glow of the Drexel University sign.
Clearly, this confusion was spreading as many hashers questioned Baaa!Jack Horseman’s wearing of pajama pants while they themselves were in tutus and spandex. As Just Lisa pointed out though, Baaa!’s choice of wardrobe was perfect for when he inevitably falls asleep later at the bar. Speaking of odd clothing choices, Just Sean could be seen wearing two ball caps “like a retarded Gilligan” and Beef Jerkless HAD to point out that he was wearing breakaway pants but experiencing “the humiliation of putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break 'em away.”
In another shocking twist, earlier reports had indicated that Weird Al Spankabitch could lead a song check “for well over twenty minutes” but this reporter captured exclusive footage of him being unable to complete even one verse of “El Camino.” Meanwhile, at the next song check, Pantyphile exploited the presence of our cameras to begin an impromptu audition for “MTV’s Cribs” using a random Muggle’s parked Cadillac Escalade, clearly unaware that this show ended six years ago.
Next, we found ourselves at another hashflash check. Let's take a live look at the result.
Then came “everyone’s favorite part of trail,” the beer check! Handed out were fresh cans of Hamm’s beer (NOT Jon Hamm’s Jon Ham as Baaa!Jack Horseman had hoped) and delicious, boozy cupcakes. "As the light of Weird Al Spankabitch’s ass shined over us all,” Just Thaddeus regaled us with shitty, amorphous shadow puppets under the Walnut St. Bridge. Inside sources claim the puppets were meant to distract from Urine Luck ONCE AGAIN pissing way too closely to the pack (this time into a drainage grate) or perhaps from Just Sahar’s insatiable thirst for more and more shots in any shape or form. This reporter however believes it was to conceal Slothy Seconds while she proceeded to give her “mug” a good “power washing.”
Finally, the pack was away. Weird Al Spankabitch and Baaa!Jack Horseman serenaded the crowd with “Beer.” As Baaa!Jack Horseman crossed the On-In!, he proclaimed to some harriettes, “Let me get down wind of your scent,” causing them to double time back to Cherry Street Tavern. They were met by Tuck Tuck Deuce in the corner utilizing a fan to give blowies to everyone.
*cut back to live feed of Some Lady*
Some Lady: So, Ryan, all-in-all it was a great night of drinking, exposed body parts, and tons of white powder.”
A Ryan Seacrest Type: Sounds like my place every Saturday! Thanks, Some Lady. That’s all the time we have tonight on Excess Hollywoo. Goodnight!
And may the hash go in peace!
-Baaa! Ram Him