Ass Ass 'Nation AKA A Ninja Turtle
A bunch of Just's previously brought by Beef Jerkless
Bah Ram Him AKA Chucky
Bitch $hots AKA Eliza Thronberry
Egg Fucker AKA Bender
Fort Dixalot AKA Doug
Judge Doody AKA Racist Doug
Just Elvis- A N64
Just Andrew AKA A Ninja Turtle(Virgin brought by Just Sean)
MacGyver Muff Diver
Post-Traumatic Goose Disorder AKA Skeeter
Pounded in the Can Aka Mickey Mouse
Senior Balls AKA A Ninja Turtle
Sex Toys for Tots AKA T.J. Detweiler
Silence of the Goats AKA Daria
Taintless Love AKA Wolverine/ Pickachu
Where's my D? AKA a baby because i'm fucking 23!
3 Way Stop AKA Spinelli
60K9 AKA Quailman
It all started on a cool evening as I walked up the street to Half Time Good Times for Thursday's hash, one of Phillie's finest bars, admittedly though the drinks tend to be pricey. As I approached the bar a strange car pulled up alongside me. It was a flat gray and boxy and I thought it was about to turn into a transformer when the doors pulled up instead of out! A crazy old man in a white suit told me to get in. I typically don't talk to strange men but he offered me candy so I didn't see the harm. He said his name was Doctor Brown and we were going to go to the future- 1999! I looked at him puzzled and explained it was 2017 so that would be the past? Maybe I shouldn't have gotten into this strange vehicle... He looked at me strangely and explained he was from 1985 and that he must have messed up his calculations because he was looking to visit 1999, not 2017! Now I definitively knew I should jump out, but I was frozen with fear. He pushed a few buttons on this remote control and we started to move. We sped up as I was pushed back against my seat from the exertion. I closed my eyes and in a jolt we had stopped. "1999!" Exclaimed Doctor Brown. I looked around and at first nothing looked much different. Then I saw it- it was the cars, they were boxy too, not as boxy as Dr. Brown's car though. And for Half Time Good Times? It wasn't a upscale bar anymore, it looked like a hole in the wall kind of joint. Dr. Brown then abruptly pushed me out and sped off as I lay sprawled in the street.
(Disclaimer: I have never watched "Back to the Future" and may or may not have gone on IMBD to get some of these references) Sorry i'm only 23 guys...
I pushed myself up and brushed my legs off. I didn't know what to do?! I looked again at Half Time Good Times and noticed a circle forming outside. No...this couldn't be. I knew the BFM was old, but was it this old? Two men stood in front speaking. They looked strangely like Fort Dixalot and Goose, the BFM's RA's. Except this Fort Dixalot was wearing a green sweater vest and this Goose was blue? They introduced themselves to me as Doug and Skeeter. They weren't the only strange doppelgangers I saw there. Each hasher looked like a former hasher I knew but introduced themselves as either a 90's cartoon, character, or gaming system? Yes, one was even a N64. Weird would be an understatement, but it got stranger. Everyone started to grow until I realized it was really I who was shrinking! My arms and legs became chubby and as I went to stand up my legs wobbled and I fell down and began to cry. Somebody looked down. It was Sex Toys or should I say T.J. Detweiler as he introduced himself to me. "Uh guys who brought a baby?" he asked. No one knew and a girl who looked much like Bitch Shots approached me and crouched down. "Aww she's adorable! Guys I speak to animals, maybe I can speak baby too?" "Why not give it a shot" said T.J.. "Goo ga ga goo?" She cooed at me. I cooed back and we made eye contact, she knew what I was saying!
Bitch Shots or should I say, Eliza Thornberry explained we were about to go for a run. I pushed myself up and wobbled after everyone as they took off. We finally got to the beer near after what seemed forever; babies don't run very fast i'm sorry to say. Luckily one of the Ninja Turtles hid me in their shell so know one would notice me. We enjoyed some refreshing beers and then were back off! Soon we would be back at Half Time Good Times. If I thought it was bad on the outside, the inside looked like a mix between a brothel and a black market for "donated" livers. To make it worse a much younger looking Donald Dick was raving about the supposed heroine epidemic and how he had forgotten to bring his rape whistle. We grouped up for circle outside after munching down on some free meatball and roast beef sandwich's. 1999 Half Time Good Time's wasn't so bad actually! (Too bad for gentrification, if only they knew what they were doing by letting all these yuppie hashers in... ) Accusations flew faster than I could understand... I mean I do have the brain of a 8 month old at this point. It started to rain but luckily we had a fire pit and stood under table umbrellas to keep dry. There was much to be said about Bah, er I mean Chuckies "thirstiness". 90's circle even had meatball shooters! The best part of the night undoubtedly had to be Just Lisa's/ Spinelli's naming. After many sexual questions it was decided she would now be known as 3 Way Stop! If only 2017 J. Lisa had been there. The name came about as our lucky Lisa not only had an opportunity just once, but twice for a threesum or you could say "Eiffle Tower" as I imagined it would have gone down ;). However our saintly Lisa snuck out before the dirty deed could be committed! This didn't stop her from having sex in the parking lot of the Sugar House Casino though.
*edit: There apparently has been 3 "3 way stop" moments*
After circle and a few too many shots and some hookah I started to feel sleepy and pulled a Bah Ram Him and passed out. When I came to I was in bed. I jumped up to find I was back to my normal self and in my 2017 bedroom. It had been all a dream....
Where's My D?