Where: Grumpy's Tavern, Passyunk Square
When: Thursday, August 17th, 2017, 7:30p HST
Who hared? Uncle Fister and Just Clit
Who attended?
Just Alex Just Brandon Just Gabe | 60k9 Ass Ass In Nation Baaa! Ram Him Cause for Blindness Cummingtonite Fort Dixalot Gag Reflex Manual Fiesta Seamen on the Poop Deck Sex Toys for Tots Silence of the Goats Wally the One-Eyed Wonder | Visitors: Glitoris Roller Girl |
Voiceover: Last time on THE PHILADELPHIANS...
[open on GRUMPY'S BAR. INTERIOR. Most of THE PACK is present, chatting amongst each other and drinking beer]
Silence of the Goats: Yuhh, Mayor's Cup was a most excellent affair.
Cummingtonite: Uhhhh, oh yeah? I'm, like, super bummed that I couldn't make it. I didn't know how to get there.
Goats: Weeelll, it's super easy. You just take Reed Street to Broad, hop onto JFK, then take 76 W to Montgomery Drive.
[enter GLITORIS through the bar's front door. THE PACK is stunned at this unexpected visitor]
Ass Ass In Nation: Glitoris? Whhhaaa....whut are you dewin' hur?
Glitoris: Oh, hi, guys. I'm back from St. Louis for a Ultimate Frisbee competition this weekend aaaaand figured I'd come a day early to hash.
Cause for Blindess: Buuutttt, how did you get hur? Did you take 95 from the airport to Columbus and then turn right onto Tasker?
Glitors: Nuh way! I took 95 to Exit 13 for 76 all the way up to Packer Avenue. Then turned right on South 10th, right onto Oregon, then all the way up 9th. So simple!
60k9: Buutt, how did ya know we'd all be hur?
[Dramatic music plays as THE PACK crowds around and stares into a Guinness wall mirror, much to the confusion of the regulars at GRUMPY'S. Cut to title card for THE PHILADELPHIANS. Fade in to GRUMPY'S BAR. EXTERIOR. THE PACK is assembled in a semi-circle around chalk marks opposite Fort Dixalot.]
Fort Dixalot: ...and here we have a Check mark which means trail can continue in any direction.
Just Brandon: Whuutt? Like, from here, it could head west towards Broad?
Dixalot: Riiggghhttt, Just Brandon, or north to Washington, east to Montgomery Ave, or even south to Snyder. Naawww, go find trail, you wankers!
[Ten minutes later on trail, Baaa! Ram Him and Goats come upon 60k9, Sex Toys for Tots, and Seamen on the Poop Deck seemingly loitering for no reason]
Baaa!: Hey! How did you bros get hur?
STFT: We took 9th south to Morris then turned right and followed trail as it winded west and turned north onto Juniper.
Goats: Soooo, why did you stop?
Seamen: Oh, it's a back check 4. [60k9, STFT, and Seamen immediately take off south]
Goats [yelling after them]: That is suh nuh cool, you guys!
[Several minutes later and only a few blocks west, THE PACK is hopelessly lost.]
Just Gabe: Whhh...where did trail go? We found three marks for On-On starting at 16th Street and Tasker Avenue but nothing since!
Wally the One-Eyed Wonder: What's this big blotch of flour? Maybe that's something.
Roller Girl: But what could it mean?
[More dramatic music as Just Gabe, Wally, and Roller Girl gather and face into the reflection of an unlit corner store window. The concerned cashier inside warily reaches for the phone just as a distant whistle is heard and THE PACK takes off in the direction from whence they just came. Cue title card. Fade back in. Some turns later, THE PACK comes across a check at an intersection lit up by 5 police squad cars. From above, a resident's window opens.]
Muggle: Heeeyyy! Whhhuuttt'rreee yu dewin' down thur? Whut's that white X on the ground?
Baaa!: Oh, that's nothing, just flour, lady. It's a mark for our running club.
Muggle: Uhhh, okay. We'll just go back to sitting in our Patagonian bamboo lacquered lounge chairs.
Baaa!: Umm, sure. Later.
[Not four blocks west]
Dixalot: Where'd evryone go? We took 15th Street north to Reed then turned left to arrive here at Bancroft and half the pack is gone.
Ass Ass: Is that that taco dude coming up now?
Cause: Ehhhh, uh, you mean Just Anthony?
Dixalot: Wow, Cause, no, he's not even here tonight. That there is Just Gabe. Uhhhh, Manual Fiesta, wha-what're yew dewin'?
Manual Fiesta {balancing in a squat over a sewer grate}: Uhh, what's it to you, Dixalot? Look, here comes the rest of 'em.
Seamen: But where's Wally? I'll try calling him. {Seamen calls but there's no answer}. No answer. Whhh-where could he be?
[Again, dramatic music as THE PACK cluster around a recently parked car's sideview mirror, jostling for position, as the car's owner, still inside, looks out in perplexed horror as he slowly re-locks his door. Cue title card. Fade back in at Wharton Square Playground. THE PACK has finally reached the beer check.]
Uncle Fister: Eh, ye fooks are finally here? Whet took ye so long?
Roller Girl: Weelll, we took Reed to 20th and turned right to Wharton and found the J check but couldn't find the shots.
Just Alex: Yeahhh, Assia is right. We looked evrywhere but no luck. It was a super bummer.
Just Clit: Did...did you just call Roller Girl "Assia"? Do...do you not know how to pronounce the word "Asia"?
Just Alex: Whut? I do too know!
Gag Reflex: But where did the J check shots go?
[Dramatic music swells up again as THE PACK and HARES crowd around facing one side of a tree as if there is a mirror there, wrestling for a sliver of its reflection. Thankfully, the darkness from the night sky and otherwise empty park prevents any onlookers from witnessing this insanity. THE HARES and later THE PACK head out to On-In as the title card once again fades in with the closing theme. Roll end credits.]
Written, produced, and directed by
Baaa! Ram Him