Where: The Bayou Bar and Grill, Manayunk
When: Thursday, October 5th, 2017, 7:30p HST
Who hared? Señor Ballz and You May Go
Baaa! Ram Him
Bitch Better Have My $hots
Condom Fuck Sister
Everything Butt Sex
(formerly Just Cline/Clit)
Fox in the Pound
Jewel of Duh Nile
May I Cum On Ya?
Other People's Pussy
Post Traumatic Goose Disorder
Sex Toys for Tots
Shop n' Fuck
Silence of the Goats
Under the Gaydar
Just David (via Other People's Pussy)
*comes across Baaa! Ram Him and Shop n' Fuck listening to Condom Fuck Sister talk about a Soldier of his who refuses to change his uniform*
Condom: Yeah, so we don't know what to do with him.
Baaa!: You should take him outside and just hose him down.
Shop: Or just FUCK HIM IN THE ASS!
Baaa!: ...there are two types of people.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's move on. I think I should mention now that the opinions held by those you'll meet in this store in no way reflect those of 7-11 or Seven & I Holdings Co., our parent company. Oh hey, there's 60k9! Is that a Push Pop in his hand?
60k9: No, man, it's my no-mess chalk holder. But I'm having trouble getting it up. Let me borrow your pen. *shoves it through the hole*
Baaa!: Reminds me of the 2 Kids 1 Sandbox video. (Editor's note; NEVER watch that video.)
Who's this cool guy by the magazine stand standing ovr that flour X on the ground? Oh, it's Post Traumatic Goose Disorder reading a special edition about the works of M.C. Escher or, as he calls it, a Map of the Hills of Manayunk.
60k9: But look at all these excellent impromptu promos for Mayor's Cup! Onesies! Hammocks! Free beer samples!
No, no, you half-mind. The Mayor's Cup promos would be three aisles over but they ended two months ago. These promos are for the Philly Marathon Beer Check.
60k9: Yeah, but you know what they say about those free beer samples? *sings* A pintful of lager helps the lesbians go down...
....Right. Hey, how'd that mountain goat get in the store? Oh, wait, that's just Silence of the Goats. You'll forgive me for the mixup, what with her seemingly unending ability to traverse all the aisles inside this store without stopping.
Goats: On One!
Condom Fuck Sister: One called straight!
Shop n' Fuck: (jokingly) Isn't that homophobic?
Baaa!: Wha? How the fuck would that work? You do know that just because something isn't gay doesn't make it homophobic, right?
....Right. Let's Randall away from that potential powder keg. Ah, here's the golf section of our store. Yes, 7-11 has a golf supply section in this metaphor. And look! Free shots! Tell you what, let's share a cup so there's plenty to go around. Holy shit, that's some funky shot. I can feel my gums burning. No thanks, man, you finish it.
Oh yeah, cool, right? This is our most recent endcap update: the Halloween section. Check out the spider and dragon that the Muggle Corporation set up along our path. They move! And what's this little banana guy? *presses button*
Little Banana Guy: Form banana, form, form banana! Peel banana, peel, peel banana! Eat banana, eat, eat banana! Shit banana, shit, shit banana! GO BANANAS, GO, GO BANANAS!
Okay...gross. Still, not a bad song and perhaps something those jerks in the back can build on. Oh, hey, Fort Dixalot, why are you staring into the freezers?
Fort Dixalot: I'm trying to figure out how many dead bodies you could fit in here and the best way to do so. I think I could fit 37.
In a row?! Hmm, alright. To be clear, there have never been any corpses in our freezers...as far as I know. And Uncle Fister, why are you looking so longingly at that imitation crab meat?
Uncle Fister: Well, since I have alopecia, I don't get crabs, so I figured this was the next best thing.
Makes sense. I just hope none of the others call you out for that. Speaking of, where'd everyone go? Oh, upstairs to the roof. Let's follow them. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a lot of fucking stairs, it's almost as bad as all the hills inside the store itself. Suck it up. Ah, right, this is Señor Ballz's Rooftop Hangout. What a great view of the parking lot and back alley. Yo, what's up, Pantyphile?
Pantyphile: What's up, dude? Oh man, you feel that wonderful 7-11 breeze? You get a nice breeze up here. I mean, it smells like roadkill but it's still nice.
Agreed. That is the charm of this store. Ah, there goes Roids and Fort Dixalot baptizing patrons in the parking lot with beer and tossing down cans. What are they asking down there? Oh, yes...
Post Traumatic Goose Disorder: Just Cline, tell us about yourself.
Just Cline: Well, I'm a Hasher, a Crossfitter, I do Improv, and play Ultimate Frisbee. I once rubbed my dick on a bean bag chair and took a shit on a plane or something.
Damn, Just Cline is quite the cult slut!
Goose: What name suggestions do we have for this wanker?
Other People's Pussy: Pile High Club!
May I Cum On Ya?: I'm Rubbin' Burgundy?
Fox in the Pound: Shits on a Plane!
Just Cline: I was also engaged for five years to a girl and we did everything but sex.
Fucking everyone: EVERYTHING BUTT SEX!!!
Yep, that's right. Henceforth and forevermore, Just Cline/Clit shall be known as Everything Butt Sex. And, with the closing of Circle, so, too, does our tour end. Now get the fuck out, err,