Honestly, I was slightly tempted to just post pictures of my notes from last night because I was pretty drunk for most of it and they are… an experience. But your story will be told! And since you all (absolutely did not) nominate me as an on-sec, any revisions/ complaints must be submitted in writing, be notarized, and have a witness signature from the GM. Bring it
Date: August 2, 2018
Location: Honestly, I don’t think anyone knows where we ended up, let’s just say south from wherever you currently are
Hares: Shop n’ Fuck
What: BFM #755
Sex Toys for Tots
Where’s My D
Blue Men in Groups
Cause for Blindness
Everything Butt Sex
Jewel of Duh Nile
Shop n’ Fuck
Silence of the Goats
And me (possibly, it’s all a little unclear) Cuff Me the Vampire Player
First, let me start by saying this stadium was a lot bigger then I pictured! Lugging two bags of ice, I got off the subway expecting a parking lot and some smiling, waving hashers. And they were there…. Like a mile in and halfway down the alphabet! Finally I found them, handed off the bags of water to Shop n’ Fuck, and tucked in with a beer. With a small group to start, we all mentally divided up beers per person if we ditched the rest of the group…. And then the police arrived. For some reason, you are no longer allowed to drink copious amounts of beer in a public parking lot during a baseball game? You actually have to watch the game! That is clearly a silly use of perfectly good drinking time, so we packed up and moved… to end of the parking lot to hide out behind the truck (because we’re adults) to figure out what to do. While we hung out in the rain Shop n’ Fuck ventured out and found us a new home. The “security” guards in a nearby parking lot apparently don’t care if you have 20ish people openly drinking and loudly yelling about necrophilia, so in we went and the hash was back on!
As the rest of the hashers trickled in Shop n’ Fuck laid out the marks and we gathered up. Our brave new virgins Just Dan and Just Derek struggled a bit with their introductions, one even forgetting his own name? But that actually makes sense because at least one of them (probs both, let’s be real) was already drunk before the hash even started! To be fair though, he did show up a full hour before the hasher who made him cum. Who was that again, Shop n’ Fuck? Or, as Everything Butt Sex eloquently put it, “we fucking named her last week dummy”
Then our hare/GM/RA Shop n’ Fuck headed out to lay trail and we hung out drinking. For a while. Probably because the one person “in charge” was laying trail, but oh well. Eventually we did leave, and so began a very confusing amble/run through a variety of parking lots. We got lost a few times, luckily having Strawberry Shortcake there scouting out marks, “I FOUND IT! I’m a hero”. And we serenaded some policeman with an interestingly placed song check. And finally, we turned a corner, and found a shirtless man in jorts. Not wanting to be rude we stopped to share a drink. He swears it was liquor, but seriously, it was rubbing alcohol. I think I can actually still taste it. Or that’s the trauma talking as it may have burned a hole in my esophagus.
Back at our parking lot we circled up. And this is where it gets a little fuzzy in my notes. See, I was using shorthand (cause y’all talk fast… and a lot), but I think my drunk shorthand is like… a different language. But this will be fun! I’m going to write a few of my notes and you all can guess what drunk me was trying to remember! Ready? Go!
Fister – Shop – porn fail camera
“Mayor’s cup” – ‘C’ SF gets me wet
D – get naked with me – Roller girl
Just Dan – 1acc – no masturbation
Shop – wieners how mouths promise – Butt Sex
Man, I am such an eloquent writer.
And then, we had one final moment before circle closed, Blue Men in Groups got her necklace! Called into the circle she immediately got to her knees, before AssAssination nicely told her “you don’t need to kneel sweetie”. Seriously, worst advice ever. Downing the beer, Blue Men in Groups spun the cup and Silence of the Goats presented the necklace with her teeth (don’t ask me, I just write up the weirdness).
Now technically the hash is over? But I’m writing the trash so… on to Xfinity! After packing up we loaded into cars and… sat in traffic. Luckily we had beer to hold us over and eventually we rolled into Xfinity. Emboldened by beer and rubbing alcohol several hashers tried to tame the bull (they all lost – I don’t know if you can win or lose riding a bull, but they definitely lost). And we danced a whole bunch (dance the beat of your own drum, that’s the saying right?). And eventually I snuck into Shop n’ Fuck’s backseat so he’d drive me home because, yo, I’m super lazy.