So the night began with everything being easy peasy. The AGM was setup to be at Bonnor’s, a bar we know and love and loves us and knows how to provide us everything we need and the space to do it in. We had 45 people setup to go for the night and a plan in place that was ready to be executed on that completely fail proof. I got to the bar at 7:00pm and was greeted by:
60k9
Groundhog Lay
Me Shrub You Long Time
These eager three were already sling drinks back and ready to go. The owner came out, collected his check from our ever trustworthy Hash Cash, went over the timing of events along with the layout of the buffet and beers on tap and all that was left to do was to wait for the arrival of:
3-Way Stop
Ass Ass In Nation
Blew Men In Groups
Casting Couch
Cause for Blindness
Cuff Me the Vampire Player
Hold the Sausage
Holding It For Daddy
Jewels of duh Nile
Judge Doody
Jug Stain
Just Ashley
Just Kira
May I Cum On Ya
Music to my Tears
Not in my Hair
Orgy cycle
Other People's Pussy
Parks and Masterbation
Parrot Head
Pounded In The Can
Roadside ASSistance
Roller Daddy
Rubber Ripper
Runner Girl
Semen On The Poopdeck
Sex Toys for Tots
Shop & Fuck
Side Bitch (Visitor – DCRW)
Sideshow Bobjob
Silence of the Goats
Slothy Seconds
Spare My Finger
Sphincter Grease
Statutory Consent
Taco Belle
Taco? I Barely Know Her
Tits of Steel
What What (mud in the butt)
Where’s my D?
I went out and laid the chalk talk marks in the school yard across the street so that we would be wandering around in traffic and I left marks that were all kinds of silly so that we could have the hares, Pounded in the Can and Jewel of duh Nile, be able to be a part of the start of circle and then have enough time to go out a lay trail live while we went over the marks in painstaking detail. The trail was to be a basic square…north to Chestnut Street…leave a song check…West to 30th Street…leave a song check…south to Cira Green and set the BEER near. Me Shrub You Long Time and Groundhog Lay were to drive Shrub’s truck with the BEER and meet the hares at Cira Green for the BEER near. Simple plan.
We welcomed Side Bitch, a visitor from DCRW to our trail and seeing as the rest of the pack was BFM/Philly based, catered to instructing her of the marks in the only way we know how…which involved a lot of yelling, posturing, piling of people in the middle of the marks and rolling around in them, and making sure we all talked at the same time so that she was completely clear exactly what we were doing. With that out of the way, off the pack went in true slobbering gaiety, attempting to go over the school wall and out into the streets looking for trail. And of course trail wouldn't be complete without a certain someone showing up out of nowhere to keep our city tidy:
Dancing Fool
Remember the simple plan I spoke about earlier…well…yeah…let’s just forget that I mentioned that. The pack headed north to Chestnut and instead of figuring out the very easy marks laid going west, all ran north ignoring the check that was laid and in true lemming style just kept on running. It was the walkers that figured out that marks went west proving that slow and steady wins the race. Eventually the pack turned around and found their way to the cattle shoot through construction on the bridge and headed towards 30th Street. While I was on my way to the eventual song check they were all waiting at, I got a text from the hares. “We’re going up top to the green, right?”…”Yes. BEER is on its way…they are parking in the parking lot underground.”…”Should we send people up the elevator with marks?”…
Elevator?
At this point I should let you know that I have never been to Cira Green. When I looked it up and saw pictures of it, it looked like an outdoor green park. So what the fuck were they talking about taking an elevator up to it? I called them and it was quickly determined that neither I nor the hares had ever actually been to Cira Green before. No problem, I would call Groundhog Lay and he would figure it out as he was in the car with Shrub and the BEER and Cira Green was his suggestion. I call him and he answers, “What do you want, we are at the song check?”…”What do you mean you are at the song check? Did you bring the BEER to the song check?”…”No, I am not with the BEER. Shrub has the BEER. I am on trail.” …”What do you mean you are on trail? The hares can’t find the BEER as they’ve never been to Cira Green before.”…”Call Shrub then.”…”I don’t have Shrub’s number.”…”Well neither do I.” BEST THOUGHT OUT AGM TRAIL EVER!
So Groundhog and I ran around each of the parking lot levels looking for Shrub while the Hares took everyone up to the roof top park where Shrub was waiting for them and eventually Groundhog and I found our way there too where everyone else was like, “What do you mean you couldn’t find the BEER near, it was up here the whole time.” Fish Monkey Llamas.
But when we got there and were all heated up from the run up the stairs we were treated to an amazing view of the city on a slightly foggy night that made the city glow as if to say it loved us and wanted to treat us all to how beautiful this city can be when hidden behind a hazy mist. So we laughed, we drank, we reminisced, and we took pictures before heading back to the bar.
I want to remind you that at this point I had no knowledge that I was going to be burdened with the task of being an On-Sec this year and so I did not have a notebook and pen on me so all of this is from memory. Otherwise I would have taken note of all the amazingly funny and disturbing things that were said on trail. I do want to make mention of one particularly fun and enlightening incident that happened. Taco, I Barely Know Her walked to the BEER near and arrived about eight seconds after we started taking pictures and wasn’t able to get across the field in time to make the picture. When he let me know he wasn’t in the picture I said, “No problem, I will just call everybody back so that you can be in the picture too, princess. God forbid we not include you in the picture.” He responded with a lot of don’t you dares and expletives which would not have phased me a bit until he started chasing me…and this is when I learned to not judge the speed of the man by his size…holy shit that boy can run. I managed to elude him only because I cried like a little baby, promising I would make everyone retake the picture.
Anyway, we headed back to the bar…which the hares decided to ignore the plan of simple and instead took the walkway down to the river trail which ended up forcing us back up onto Chestnut Street and back tracking the first part of trail. I swear we have done this for nearly 15 years now and yet I am never surprised at how impossible even a perfectly square trail can be for us to execute. I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, it was the best trail I have ever been on because I absolutely love and adore everyone that that laid it, followed it, and partied before, on, and after it. One of my favorite hashing nights ever.
When we got back to the bar there was food, including a salsa dip complete with Cheese and Cool Ranch Dorito’s snack packs for dipping with…which even I wasn’t expecting but was pretty on par for the BFM (NOTE: Cool Ranch Dorito’s and Salsa are delicious). We as a team worked together to run pitchers back and forth to keep the pack hydrated and we managed to get circle started at 9:30pm, a promise I had made as part of my election campaign…which I managed to finally come through with on my last night as GM and RA.
Circle acknowledged the hares Pounded in the Can, Jewels of duh Nile, and Me Shrub You Long Time as well as the 50 different hares we had over the past year including:
Tits of Steel 5
Jug Stain 5
Groundhog Lay 4
Statutory Consent 3
Ass Ass In Nation 3
60k9 3
Me Shrub You Long Time 3
Roller Daddy 3
Sex Toys for Tots 2
Uncle Fister 2
Silence of the Goats 2
May I Cum On Ya 2
Mismanagement 2
Not In My Hair 2
Pounded in the Can 2
Gay Matthew's Lamb 2
Slothy Seconds 2
Strawberry Shartcake 2
ACP 2
Cuff Me the Vampire Player 2
Three Balls 2
Under the Siege 2
Baa Ram Him 2
He's A Lesbian 1
Mainline Bukkake 1
Music To My Tears 1
OPP 1
Sphincter Grease 1
Alaskan Pipeline 1
Fort Dix-A-Lot 1
Spare My Finger 1
Knights of the Pound Table 1
Thudmuffin 1
Strippapotomus 1
Taco I Barely Know Her 1
Down Down Brown Town 1
Just Ian 1
Roadside ASSistance 1
PaBlow PicAssHo 1
Back Door Back Out 1
Just Colby 1
Revenge Porn 1
Rubber Ripper 1
Jewel of Duh Nile 1
Where's My D 1
Everything Butt Sex 1
Judge Doody 1
Sideshow Bob Job 1
Casting Couch 1
We acknowledged the first in and last in, the auto-hashers, our visitor Side Bitch from DCRW who got out of our circle by putting a little skin in the game, our cums lately’s and those who were virgins to our AGM. We also acknowledged our newly named BFM hashers this year including:
Me Shrub You Long Time
Cuff Me the Vampire Player
Revenge Porn
Blue Men In Groups
Knights of the Pound Table
Roadside ASSistance
Music To My Tears
Definitely Wasn't Two Dudes
Mainline Bukkake
As well as our renamed hashers:
Where's My D to Sex Playground (even if she stubbornly refuses to acknowledge it)
Roller Girl to Daddy May I Pun (even though she just combined the two into Roller Daddy)
And finally Condom Fuck Sister to Strippapotomus (which I stand by as my single greatest act as GM this year)
We also took a moment to raise our voices and our glasses to our friends of the BFM who we lost on trail and who hopefully are finding all of the shiggy and BEER and laughter they could want even if we would want to have them here with us for at least one more trail:
Bend Overture (Pittsburgh Hash House Harriers)
Spare Ribs (Philadelphia Hash House Harriers)
Wreath Around (Chicago Hash House Harriers and DCRW)
Ghetto Inferno (Lehigh Valley Hash House Harriers)
And we acknowledged this year’s mismanagement and the amazingly adequate job they did which included:
60k9, Assassination, Baa Ram Him, Cuff Me The Vampire Slayer, Everything Buttsex, Groundhog Lay, Jewel of dug Nile, May I Cum On Ya, Me Shrub You Long Time, Pounded In The Can, Tits of Steel, and a special mention to Slothy Seconds.
Eventually the shit stain of a GM and attention whore of an RA gave up the stage and 60k9 and Assassination took over the nights festivities to reveal the new mismanagement for 2019.
Hash Cash – Sexy 60k9
Masterbeader – Sexy Assassination
Haberdasher – Sphincter Grease
Hash Flash – Statutory Consent
On-Secs – Jewel of duh Nile, Knights of the Pound Table, May I Cum On Ya, Shop & Fuck, Slothy Seconds, Taco, I Barely Know Her
Hare Raiser – Cuff Me The Vampire Player
Religious Advisors – Everything Buttsex and Me Shrub You Long Time
Grand Master – Groundhog Lay
And with that, Shrub took over the night’s festivities as Everything Buttsex was on a plane to Thailand to spread the disease that is the BFM internationally. There were many accusations, there was a side side for Just Ashley, and there was a beading as Music To My Tears got laid by Blew Men In Groups. All of this was followed by much dancing and singing and drinking and merry making and laughter and love. I couldn’t have been prouder or happier to see so much joy and love for friends, family, and life in one room at one moment in time. And as I gave my parting hugs and head for the door, all I could think to myself is, “Not my problem anymore.”
On-On
Shop & Fuck