Groundhog Lay (Grande Master)
Cuff Me The Vampire Slayer (Hare Raiser)
Me Shrub You Long Time (Religious Advisor)
Sphincter Grease (Haberdasher)
Not In My Hair (Webmeister)
Roller Daddy (Communications Czar)
ASSassination (Master Beader)
Statutory Consent (Hash Flash)
Jewels of duh Nile (On-Sec)
Knights of the Pound Table (On-Sec)
Shop & Fuck (On-Sec)
Special Guest Appearance: Spare My Finger (Consultant and Guide)
But soon enough in came the hares for the evening:
Sex Toys For Tots
Music To My Tears
And they were soon right back out the door doing their hashy thing. With the hares gone the rest of the pack started making their way to the back room of Cav’s, including:
Stolen Balls (transplant from Stockholm)
Silence of the Goats
Just Tyler (Virgin)
Blackout Or Back Out
Just Chris (BFM Virgin)
Before we even made it out the door the night was shaping up to be rare. Off in one corner Assass was hemming the length of Goats’ scrubs using a stapler so that she could do trail, which was pointless because who needs pants to do trail, and soon they were discarded revealing goats eating her own socks. That isn’t normal, right? Well how about Bell actually reflecting on so called wisdom dispensed to the Son of Tacos in the form of this advice from Sphincter; “If you like a girl you go right up to her and sniff her.” Definitely not normal. Then there was Jewel and Just Tyler pondering which vodka makes sense to consume prior to a trail…and then many more came forward and tested their theories. After that our GM Groundhog’s food came out at 7:59pm just as our RA Shrub yelled out, “Chalk Talk!” There was no way he was getting out there in time.
I rolled down with pen and paper in hand to partake in our opening ceremonies. About half the pack was standing around when our RA decided, “Fuck’em…let’s get started.” And started he did. We were introduced to our virgin Tyler who some rando on Meet Up made cum and then Just Chris who wasn’t exactly new to hashing but was new to the BFM and it was Blackout who made him cum…and yet 3 Balls didn’t lose his shit that this handsome young stud was made to cum by 3 Balls’ precious little girl. We were all stunned. So stunned that Groundhog was shivering…or maybe it was the cold chill creeping in that was causing that on top of the fact that Groundhog was in shorts, a T, and no hat…WAIT…how the hell did he get to chalk talk so fast after only receiving his food minutes ago? Our RA Shrub moved chalk talk along and mused upon the echo created by the parking lot behind him and I missed out on the attention the RA gets so I decided to create an echo of my own. And I am so grateful that I did because it caught the attention of two BFM favorites who happened to be passing by:
So the pack wrapped up chalk talk and headed off east down Sansom St. while I and a few other seasoned BFM’ers hung back and caught up with the GG couple. While we were doing that we were blessed with a late arriving visitor:
Sphincter Shy (EDW H3….WHAT WHAT WHAT??? Another Sphincter?)
We sent the shy Sphincter (cause lord knows that our Sphincter isn’t shy AT ALL) on his way and got back to the important catching up we were doing. Why pray tell were the cute and cuddly GG’s not on trail with us considering we were in their neighborhood? Oh, because it was the annual Frazier appreciation night and there was to be a Frazier marathon back at the GG abode since it is now on Netflix…there is so much to be dissected in this statement…but there is a lot to get to so I will let this be on you the reader to stay up wandering about in the wee hours of the night.
So off Groundhog Lay, AssAss, and I went to go see if we could catch up. The new and former GM’s along with the long standing Hash Horn and Master Beader chasing after the GM from two years ago. What could go wrong? Well, how about after getting to the first check on 20th St. THE PACK LAID A TRUE MARK RIGHT NEXT TO THE FIRST CHECK LEADING FUTHER EAST WHEN THE TRAIL ACTUALLY WENT NORTH! Oh, there was a true put down indicating to go north, but it was very small and on the opposite corner about 15 feet into the block…THANKS GUYS! So after we ran all the way down to 17th before deciding to go recheck the original check we found our way back on trail going north to an alley that lead us east to 19th that lead us north to Chestnut that sent us west to the steps leading down to the Schuylkill River Trail which lead us south along the river to the BEER NEAR!
We gathered and partook in the frosty brew. Groundhog, AssAss and I arrived like rock stars singing American Pie but were too late for the group picture but had more than enough time to down a BEER (Modelo and PBR). What also happened at the BEER NEAR? I am happy you asked. First of all we ran into:
Dancing Fool (obviously…because he is always on every trail everywhere cleaning up all the things)
Bell checked in with the lesser half…Taco: “OK?” Bell:
So with all that the hares were back off on trail. Sex Toys For Tots leading the way and Music To My Tears right behind…with a shit ton of flour all over her ass. I know that this is only her second trail, but Sex Toys needs to do a better job of imparting knowledge of how to lay marks. But soon we were ourselves back on out after them going south on the trail to the steps up to Walnut (after first going up and down them several times until we figured out what was going on). Next we went west on Walnut to 30th St. and then down the ramp south into Penn’s practice fields towards Franklin field. We wandered around in that area until we eventually found a path through to a road that paralleled 76S…It was during this adventure that 3 Balls popped out of nowhere and scared the holy hell out of me. Seriously, that ageless giant of a man moves like a panther.
I was in the back of the pack at this point as my note taking slowed me way down and relegated me to the role of sweeper. When I finally caught up to the pack it was because out mighty GM of yesteryear and the spritely Music were there. My initial thoughts were that we had another BEER NEAR, but NOOOOOOOO….THEY GOT CAUGHT PANTSED. WTF?!?!?! Two of the sexiest hares we have ever had got pantsed and I missed it. FML. Is Sex Toys new? So the trail was turned over to Silence of the Goats and Sphincter Grease. Off they…wait…what’s this now? Not Sphincter Grease? Sphincter Shy? But he’s a visitor from DC? He knows nothing about the layout of Philly? You’re not supposed make visitors pick up trail. Oh, that’s right, we’re the MOB BABY! We do what we want cause that’s how we roll in the city of brotherly love and sisterly affection…BOOM!
So off they went while we sang some verses of El Camino. Once the singing was done we followed the trail south out of the Penn campus area onto University Ave. At this point we must have been about five miles into trail and things were getting desperate and you could tell because Stolen Balls pared off and peed into the only bush in West Philly. We followed University Ave around to Civic Center B Ave (wtf with the names Penn?…showing yourselves to be the third tier Ivy League School that you are? You can’t rest on “at least we aren’t Brown” forever) which lead us through Penn Hospital and then east past Franklin Field and over the South St Bridge where 3 Balls lead us in a song check at 27th St. It is at this point that Sex toys went north while the rest of the pack followed trail east, and Sex Toys was never heard from again as he wound up bailing on the trail that he started off haring. Is that a thing? Has that ever happened before? I mean I get that there are no rules in hashing but there has to be line drawn somewhere? What’s next? Cats and dogs living together?
So we continued east on South to 22nd and then north to Addison where we went east to Van Pelt where we went north to Pine and then went east to 19th and then north through Rittenhouse Square and ON-IN. It was on this last leg that it was noted that Sphincter Grease’s pants are a good two inches too short…and this is the man who will be in charge of our BFM clothing for the next year. Eventually we all gathered in the bar except for Sex Toys who was still missing. So we waited…and waited…and waited…until finally Shrub was like once again, fuck’em, and he began circle, which Sex Toys jumped in on just in time for the:
HARES: Music To My Tear (first half), Silence of the Goats (second half), Sphincter Shy (second half) and Sex Toys For Tots (first half but second half of the song as he was out moving his car, just narrowly avoiding getting towed due to construction that was going on…EVERYWHERE IN THE CITY)…S-H-I…T-T-Y…T-R-A-I-L!
FILI: Groundhog Lay (remember the guy who was eating one minute before trail started…yeah he was first in) and Stolen Balls (pee breaks get you last in)…HE’S THE MEANEST…HE SUCKS THE HORSE’S PENIS…
VIRGINS: Just TYLER and Just Chris…WE GOT VIRGINS…WE GOT VIRGINS…
ZIGGY ZAGGY: Shrub for fucking up and not singing a virgin song at first.
CUMS LATELY: Taco Bell, Silence of the Goats, Blackout Or Back Out, Roller Daddy, Stolen Balls, 3 Balls, Jewel of duh Nile, Knights of the Pound Table…HASHERS…MEET THE HASHERS…
VISITORS: Sphincter Shy from EDW H3 shared with us a body part of lengthy proportions (once again our brand new RA forgot to sing a song…but let’s keep the party moving)
Round 1: Groundhog to Hares for WTF happened? AssAss to all the lazy hashers sitting in chairs. Sphincter Grease to Shrub for smelling something (not sure what this was but I guess since he smelt it he dealt it)…
We now interrupt this trash to report on the interruption of the circle as four people we didn’t know came storming in with very confused looks on their faces which was followed up by an equally confused and then very concerned 60k9 all dressed in work attire yelling at his four co-workers (who all happen to report to him) to get out of the room and not to look back…but we weren’t having it…and so another round of virgins were had…
MORE VIRGINS: Just Brent, Just Derrick, Just Daniel, and Just Alex all of which were mistakenly made cum by 60k9…WE GOT MORE VIRGINS…WE GOT MORE VIRGINS…
Round 1 (continued): Shop to Shrub for recycling the virgin song. Music To My Tears to Statutory Consent for burning out the light at the BEER NEAR with her intense grinding. AssAss to everyone that wasn’t wearing the lovely necklaces she made for everyone…THEY OUGHT TO BE PUBLICLY PISSED ON…
Round 2: Shop to Music for having more chalk on her ass than on the trail. Cuff Me The Vampire Player to 3 Balls for lying about his age and telling her that he was 80 and she believed him because he is usually so very trustworthy. Groundhog to Statutory for trying to hide on the floor after knocking over her BEER instead of just stepping and inch to the right and blending in with the big red sign behind her. And then I think I missed an accusation but the result was ALL SPHINCTER’S DRINK. Shop to AssAss for hair shaming me and bringing up that I probably have a hairy dick because I am Mediterranean…and I do. MY ONE SKIN HANGS DOWN TO MY TWO SKIN…
Round 3 (Final Round): Shop to Shrub for something I can’t remember and didn’t write down cause I was making the accusation but let’s just assume it was hysterical and witty because everything I say is comedic gold. Shrub to Statutory for continuing to grind on the pole until she got it to be turned on again. Cuff Me to Statutory and Roadside ASSistance for Roadside cumming to Statutory’s ASSistance after she smashed her phone and he lent her his to take hash flash with. Knights of the Pound Table to Cuff Me for smoking while running and defeating the whole purpose. AssAss to all the GM’s that quit or got lost on trail which included Shop, Groundhog, and definitely Sex Toys. Shop to Stolen for doing art on rocks that did not include COCKS AND BALLS!. Shrub to Just Tyler for drawing the entire Smurf village on the rocks. AssAss to 60k9 for something something something…but it involved him probably losing his job after tonight. Shop to BOBO for not making us aware that Blackout Or Back Out make for the initials BOBO and could have made my life easier and not have kept fucking up her name all of last year. Groundhog to the 2nd half hares for musical notes that only vaguely resembled musical notes. Shop to 60k9 for bringing smart people to the hash that spout off big words which I had to look up in the dictionary when I got home. Shop to 3 Balls for not giving Just Chris the same hard time he gave all of us for hitting on his daughter…and WHEN IT’S INCEST TIME IN TEXAS…
Please look to the BFM website and Facebook page to review 60k9’s resume posting as he could use a job.
Full Moon H3 will be in this same bar tomorrow (February 22nd) and afterwards they will be going to a standup comedy show nearby.
The BFM is at O’Neal’s off of 3rd and South next Thursday, February 28th.
The Gritty Run is March 23rd which will be replacing the Philly Green Dress Run. It is only $25 and the first 15 people to sign up will get their hash cash comped for the BFM “Not a Green Dress” run on March 21st at Bonner’s where if you do come in a green dress you will be given a surprise giveaway and then on March 22nd it will be a Full Moon Hash pub crawl and on Sunday March 24th the Liberty Bell Hash will be doing a fat boy brunch.
And with that Shrub deemed circle closed.
OVERHEARD OR WITNESSED:
Music: “Want to see my eighth tentacle?”
Roadside: “That would be a good one.”
60k0: “Mistakes were made tonight.”
Just Tyler: Stripped down to the waist and changed into another shirt and then proceeded to eat everyone’s left overs in a crazy feat of eating skill thus sealing that he is one of us.
Statutory: “What did the door do to you?”
Roller Daddy: “It wouldn’t let me out!”
Groundhog: “I’ve sung so may Beastie Boy songs at Freddy’s.”
Sphincter Grease: “We are learning so much about drunk you tonight.”
Random Co-Worker: “60k9 is much better drunk than sober.”
Statutory: “Did we run a trail tonight?”
Statutory (she was in rare form): “Well did it get me off?” (this was referring to the light pole she violated early in the evening).
60k9 (who was also in rare form): “I have so many problems tomorrow, but that isn’t my problem right now.”
And with that, I give you all great big mind hugs because everything above was all a figment of my drunken imagination except for one truth. I leave that for you to figure out.