Luckily I’m an on-sec so I don’t have to worry about these small details because at every single hash/ BFM event I am the most charming, cutest, and most sober person there; and you know it’s true because it’s in writing! Jealous? You should be.
Date: August 11, 2018
Location: Where my softballs game also happened this summer, you’re welcome for all the specificity
Hares: idk, but they were probably drunk considering all the hills and rain
What: MAYOR’S CUP
Silence of the Goats!
And others, but seriously I wasn’t taking notes, and aren’t we all Silence of the Goats if we’re talking about Mayor’s Cup?
So there I was! 5am, curled up the in the perfect burrito of soft blankets and magic when the most piercing sound erupted from (what used to be) my alarm clock. The sun hit snooze, my cat stared in confusion at the idea I even exist at that kind of hour, and I tried to remember why I liked you all enough to have even consider acknowledging an hour of the day before 10am. I don’t, in case you’re wondering. But regardless, I dragged myself out of bed and walked the longest block ever to Silence of the Groundhog’s house to join Silence of the AssAssination and SIlence of the Fuck (the Hash) to make the trek to Mayor’s Cup (which wasn’t at the Art Museum, thank goodness I didn’t travel alone).
We gathered up in the BFM tent as the rest of the Goats trickled in, everyone bright and eager for the day. I mean, from what I could tell sitting curled up in the corner glaring at all those happy faces (no one smiles at 7am!). And luckily we had our on-site medic, SIlence of the AssAssination, to use that magic tape thing everyone is so fond of and we had the most prepared (sober) group of hashers ready to go!
I’m going to fast forward, since this next part is boring, but suffice it to say everyone got to their events on time (except Silence of the Jewels, who rolled in at some point and just joined in whichever group was currently going?). And the rest of us (smarter) hashers gathered the real reason any of us where there (beer) and headed to finish line to welcome back our (less smart) counterparts. And man, were they impressive!! Sweaty AF, but everyone completed their event in one piece! Just kidding, Silence of the Groundhogs and Silence of the Rippers (realizing now, you might be a serial killer?) apparently decided the trail wasn’t hard enough and gave head to some logs. Don’t worry though, they are clearly men and refused medical attention. Blood dripping down your face is totally normal right?
As they (consensually) fed all the competitors beer I wandered off to enjoy a well earned treat (seriously, i got up at 5am! And it definitely wasn’t a cigarette if anyone asks, cause I’m quitting). And as I stood there (not smoking a cigarette) I heard the cutest voices of our youngest BFMer’s “mom! Did you win?!” (insert what I assume is an affirmative from SIlence of the Jugs) “YAYYYYYY!”. The (insert name of the kid’s race, I’ve no idea) was about to start and the hashers all made the long trek back down the hill to see them off. And seriously, their race was absurd, they are kids! Who makes children run a mile starting with a hill? Oh right, our (probably drunk) hares. Luckily the BFM was there to cheer them on (since no one else did, haters) and Silence of the Ice, Ice and Silence of the Squishy totally killed it, MVPs of the day!
Waste of drinking time done, the hashers gathered up on top of the hill (away from the “running groups” that can’t handle our awesome) for circle. I have even less memory of accusations than when I do take notes…. So suffice it to say everyone's was lame and mine were EPIC! Don’t you wish you were an on-sec too so all YOUR accusations could be epic?
And now onto the fun bits, where it gets a little fuzzy. Not because I was drinking (remember, the most cute, charming, sober ever?), but because I was overwhelmed by the awesome that is the BFM hashers. Evidence of our awesome?
- Silence of the Tits gracing us all with some magical karaoke! Seriously - the voice, the performance, I wasn’t ready! *swoon*
- Silence of the Goats slaying it in the the limbo competition! #nokilts2019
- Silence of the Buttsex and Silence of the Pounded for their amazing outfits (of which I will always be jealous)
5. Silence of the Sex Toys for capturing it all on the (BFM
Sufficiently lubricated, and lasting way longer than most of the other groups, we packed up and headed out. Just as the rain started to POUR. I don’t know what anyone else did, but I made a dash for Silence of the Doody’s car…. and we were apparently followed by a few others. Facing a car that fits five we managed to cram myself (Cuff me the Vampire Player), Silence of the Doody, Silence of the AssAssination, Silence of the Groundhogs, Silence of the Buttsex, Silence of the Blindness, and Silence of the Consent (Sorry yo, I tried really hard but both options are kinda rapey?). I somehow managed two people on my lap (not in the good way, I still don’t have total feeling in my left leg) and it was an experience to say the least.
We finally made it back to the on-after at Silence of the Groundhog house and that’s pretty much it. I mean, there’s more, but I can’t remember much. Not because I was drinking of course! I’m the most charming remember? But those few walks up and down the hill were really hard, I was pretty tired.