Date: May 3, 2108
Location: Grumpy’s Tavern
Hares: Just Mego (at the time) and Sideshow Bobjob
What?: BFM #741…. 9 MORE ‘TIL 750!!!!!!!
 
*Notes taken on a bartenders notepad with a stolen pen. Sorry, I MISSED FUNNY THINGS. 

Who was there?
-May I Come On Ya
-Groundhog Lay
-Pounded In The Can
-Rubber Ripper
-Shop N Fuck
-Tits of Steel
-Baa! Ram Him
-Just Matt
-Just Ian
-Just Luke
-Emo Kid
-Panyphile
-Uncle Fister
- Jug Stains
-Ass-Ass-In-Nation
-Just Sid
-Sideshow Bobjob
-Cuff Me the Vampire Slayer
-Just Kira
-Three Way Stop
 
Visitors:
-Dwarfus Interuptus
 
​
Just Mego Gets Named!
So there we were, oh wait, there they were because I was late… at the fancy little establishment Grumpy’s.  When I say fancy I mean dive. Fancy dive. I will assume there was a lot of fun had at the prelube and during chalk talk where, HOLY HELL IS THAT PITBULL?! Nope, just Shop N Fuck, informed us of the marks we would be following laid by Sideshow Bobjob and virgin hare Cuff Me the Vampire Slayer (formerly known as Just Mego).
The pack romped and rallied through the streets of the lesser of the Yunks’, Passyunk, picking up another latecomer May I Come On Ya who blamed his tardiness on the parking.  It’s Philly! Always +15 mins for parking! Anyway, the beer near was in a dark, creepy alleyway.  Emo Kid felt right at home. The strange thing about this beer near location was the garage door that lowered and locked us in when Sideshow Bobjob moved out of the way of the sensor… that she had been siting in front of until the pack showed up. Good thing half-mind + half-mind + half-mind + beer = enough brain power to get us out of there. And back on trail we goooooooo.  
The second half of trail consisted of visitor Dwarfus Interuptus complaining that his kilt was causing him to chafe. Also along the way someone decided trail wasn’t difficult enough so they put literal barriers on the sidewalk to block the path.  Thanks Pantyphile, those giant flower planters were the perfect amount of shiggy for a Passyunk trail!  It was also observed that Uncle Fister’s virgin, Just Sid, came to a r*nning group dressed like a boat shoe wearin’ frat bro.  When confronted during circle his response was “I thought he was kidding about the running”. Nope, but we wish.
 
Fast forward to the bar where Mr. Worldwide, ah I mean Shop N Fuck started circle with a bang by allowing me (Pounded In The Can) to join him in RAing.  After promptly effing up the first song of circle for our virgins Just Sid, Just Kira, and Just Luke, we proceeded with the circley things that happen during circle.
 
AND THEN! Just Mego evolved into the beautiful Cuff Me The Vampire Player!
 
Notable naming suggestions included: Super Kinky, Cum Close, Theater of the Quivering Parts, Toilet Cuffs, Potty Party, Multiple InSTALLments, Toilet Houdini

And I’m still perplexed by the availability of handcuffs at a concert…

Love yas!
-Pounded in the Can 

From there the pack headed west and further into the night along Powelton Ave, seeing the neighborhood morph from 17th Century historic buildings [presumably used these days for Eyes Wide Shut sex parties] to dudebro/basic bitch retail stores, until the pack eventually halted their journey in a neighborhood that was sketchy crime-wise, but unique flavor-wise, and was still in the courting phase of gentrification. Thus far they had only played “just the tip”, with one or two Yoga studios and headshops, but without the full penetration found in neighborhoods that had succumbed to the Chipotles and Panera Breads of the world. It was here that the pack came upon the Beer Near which was held in Corner Bar, a lounge that had hookah, swings, cheap drinks, and great music. [3800 Lancaster Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19104]

After a few rounds of beers and shots, some dancing, and some puffs on the hookahs [and of course the swinging], the hares resumed laying trail and the hashers resumed the chase. The pack promptly got lost somewhere around Penn Medical Center after some marks were hidden too well. In some places white paint had been spotted in nearly identical fashion to hash marks. These doppelgangers were mistaken for marks, until the hashers discovered the ruse. There was no evidence that Groundhog Lay and Everything Butt Sex set these marks days ahead of time, but there was no evidence that they didn’t. Marks were getting harder to spot and occasionally the pack split up into two groups to run parallel streets to look for where they hoped they could rediscover the trail. Tits of Steel disappeared somewhere around 10:30 and the trail did not reappear until after having crossed back over the river and cutting all sorts of corners.

Eventually the pack made it back to The Green Room at around 10:50. Shop N Fuck appeared at the bar to soothe bleary hashers weary from the chaos of straw trails and told them to “Trust the Process” with a knowing smile. He checked in with Baa Ram Him and Groundhog Lay and then dipped out before circle. His appearance at first seemed to be a tequila fueled fever dream [Corner Bar apparently prefers to serves doubles, and make it rain, and then serve more doubles], but when he appeared again right before circle it seemed likely that this indeed was our GM having just landed after a full day of flying. Listening in to their conversation, Shop N Fuck had apparently just landed after being delayed for hours due to the always sunny Philly weather [and also presumably due to being repeatedly frisked for his swarthy hirsutism], but wanted to stop by to check on the kennel and make sure the cluster was fucked [Properfucked? Yes Turkish, properfucked before zee Germans get here].

CIRCLE

Noteable Accusations:

Groundhog lay accused Sideshow Bob Job and Just Mego of making the harriers feel inferior for not being able to put out a fire with their cum. Baa Ram Him countered that GHL should speak for himself, “Someone start a fire and someone turn me on.” A date and time for Baa to exhibition his ropey prowess has yet to be set, although a candle or match will likely serve as the conflagration.

Just Mego accused May I Cum On Ya for confusedly thinking every major thoroughfare they crossed was Broad Street.  He tried to justify it by saying they kept on seeing it, but was silenced with laughter. When he later looked up the trail, the map revealed the pack never once touched Broad Street or came within several blocks of it. 

Final Announcements:

Everything Butt Sex -
March 17th St Patty’s Day Beer Crawl for anyone that can’t Rego or attend the Green Dress Hash. [Ever wondered what it would be like to have a secret second family or need a way to sneak more drinks without alerting concerned hashers? Why not supplement your alcoholism by getting sloshed on two trails at once?] See Everything Butt Sex for details. 

Baa Ram Him -
Boston Marathon Weekend April 14th-16th Rego is Open
http://www.bostonhash.com/events/marathon_2018

May I Cum On Ya

MAYORS CUP!!!!
also...
Schuylkill Rangers H3 is up and running and looking to help anyone that wants to run local races,or feels like meeting up before, during, or after them. It's also a place to field a team if there's something you've been looking to run, but need team members.
The Schuylkill 50K Relay (Saturday, April 21st) has fielded a nearly full team (one spot left, but more teams can be made). 
The Broad Street Run (Sunday May 6th) has some indeterminate number of people running.[One so far, but with enough booze and photo-shopped bananas they'll be bushels of them!]

No data for the distance was available at the time the trail was run, but one hasher whom should really turn off his gps was being tracked by the all-knowing Google and the following map is a rough approximation of where they all ran.  

​ON ON!

Where?
The Institute
 
When?
EAGLES PARADE DAY
(8-Feb-18)
 
Hares
Sex Toys for Tots
Shop N Fuck
 
Attendance:
Sex Toys for Tots
Silence of the Goats
Baa Ram him
Shop N Fuck
Gay Matthew’s Lamb (Fat Matthew’s Lamb)
Pablo Picossho
Ass Ass In Nation
Ground Hog’s Lay (Ground jogs lay)
Beef Jerkless (Beef Kettles)
Cream of Mushroom (visitor from Pittsburgh)
He’s a Lesbian
Pounded In the Can (Founded In The Can)
Rubber Ripper (Rubber Router)
Stautaory Consent
Spare My Finger (Spate My Finger)
Up Her Alley
Not In My Hair
Just Andy (Pounded’s virgin)
Just Alex (Ass’s virgin)
Alaskan Pipe Line (Alaskan Pipe Lube)
Where’s My D?
Wisdom
DILTDO Dragons
 
 
The birds brought home the super bowl, surpassing all expectations of their underdog status, to unite the city as one. It could not have been a more suitable start to a new reign of Mismanagement.
 
After all, what better way to celebrate that underdog status than to unite as a kennel, and to chase down all that delicious free Bud Light? (Right….)
 
Lest we make light of the theme of unity, it was our first hash under new mismanagement, hared by the former GM (Sex Toys for Tots) and our new supreme leader (Shop N Fuck).
 
In fact, this hash saw the return of many original members:
            He’s a Lesbian
            Up Her Alley
            Not In My Hair
 
As well as three new virgins:
            Just Andy (Pounded In the Can made her cum)
            Just Alex (Ass Ass In Nation made her cum)
            Just Steve (his new job made him cum)*
 
This hash also saw a beginning with a straw draw, led by Gay Matthew’s Lamb.
The first…. well, everyone really, managed to take the long straw.
Left to a somewhat endless 50/50, the last few hashers managed to pick the long straw each time.
 
Trail was shitty. Highlights included:
           - Aiming to go to Yard’s for free (good) beer
           - Finding out Yard’s ran out of free beer due (likely due to Just Steve)
           - Going to Silk City to relive our youth
                        I hear something about HQ the trivia game?
           -  A very real lack of I.D.s on trail, leading to a good chunk of the pack coming back to the bar early.
           - FRB: Beef Jerkless
           - DFL: Alaskan Pipeline? Rubber Ripper?
           
 
Highlights, In No Particular Order**
1. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES.
2. Rubber Ripper saving Pounded In The Can by running back a somewhat short distance (exaggeration necessary), to retrieve her passport.
3. Goats confusing 2 blocks with 2 miles. (When you’re used to running 50 miles, does the difference between 2 blocks and 2 miles really matter though?)
4. Baa couldn’t catch a break under Donald Dick. (It’s okay, Baa, at least you can read your own notes)
5. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES.
6. Describing people in terms of looking like Chairs or Jewish M&M’s.
7. Baa’s new hash song, inspired by the Eagles fight song.
8. The Night of No Virgins. All of our virgins disappeared between chalk talk and circle. This might make it more plausible regarding how Just Steve drank Yard’s out of free beer.
9. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES.
10. Rubber Ripper being confused with Hole Patrol.
 
 
And so, I bid you adieu.
Let us unite under a new reign of mismanagement, as we begin our transition from the year of the birds (okay, rooster) into the year of the dog.
 
 
*Just Steve joined us for Chalk Talk, and then wandered off, never to be seen again. Rumors have it, he made it to Yards before the rest of the pack, and killed off any hopes of free beer.
**Deduced from reading notes written in Greek, apparently.
 
Final Announcements:
1. GREEN DRESSSSSSSS.
ONLY 7 EARLY-BIRD REGOS REMAIN.
You only have 7 MORE OPPORTUNITIES to get rego’d at the low low price of  79$.
So come celebrate more of your love for the Eagles, and get yourself greened.
Rego and explicit details here: https://hashrego.com/events/philly-green-dress-weekend-2018
 
2. Well…. Honestly, I couldn't read my writing. All other announcements, you’ll need to look at on BFM. The only other thing I know about is… of course, MAYOR’S CUP.

Beer-o-ween is one of the most beloved and widely celebrated holidays today.  But did you know the long history of this important holiday?  Some historians [1] say the ancient Egyptians even celebrated it!  Here are 13 spooky facts I bet you didn’t know about the amazing history of beer-o-ween:
 

1. The Druids traditionally sacrificed virgins as part of their Beer-o-ween celebrations, believing it would bring members of the community fertility.  Virgins like Just Joe and Just Jacob.
2. French lore says it is good luck to be visited by distant friends on Beer-o-ween.  Friends such as Must Stank Sally or The Virginator.
3. French lore goes on to say it is good luck to sing Alouette, which hashers like Must Stank Sally will gladly do when hashers like Ass-Ass-In-Nation oblige.
4. Traditional Beer-o-ween celebrations include a shitty trail, pre-laid individually in halves by fraidy-cat hares like Fox in the Pound and Fort Dixalot.
5. An important part of most American Beer-o-ween celebrations is, of course, drinking.  Common drinks include shots on Race St. Pier, Miller Lite at Penn Treaty Park, and PBR at Drinkers’ Tavern.  Some people even say it’s good luck if the RA knocks the entire bucket of PBR off the table before the Beer-o-ween circle!
6. In Mexican celebrations, it is common for people to mistake their friends for departed friends.  Slothy Seconds was only honoring tradition when she repeatedly mistook Strawberry Shartcake for General Do Little Kids.  Strawberry himself participated in this custom by forgetting Fort Dixalot’s name while making an accusation.
7. In the US, it is common for overgrown children to dress as their favorite beers to celebrate.  For example, Silence of the Goats dressed as Hamms (and wore a Hamilton wig!), Sex Toys for Tots dressed as PBR, Judge Doody dressed as Duffman (which really works better with his nerd name), Just Mike was a generic beer bottle, Slothy Seconds and Just Joe were Guinness, and Strawberry Shartcake was a case of Sweet Baby Jesus.
8. In the Middle Ages, Beer-o-ween became an official holiday by decree of Sir Osis of Liver.  May I Come on Ya pays homage to Sir Osis by dressing up like him to this day.
9. In parts of Ireland and Tennessee, hashers like Holding it for Daddy and Fox in the Pound celebrate Wisky-ween instead, costuming themselves as Jack Daniels and Jameson.
10. In Great Britain, folks celebrate with topsy-turvy hijinks.  That’s why Fort Dixalot drove Where’s My D’s van the wrong way down a one-way street.  At least he didn’t “lock her cars in her van,” as D said after promising not to fuck up her accusation.
11. Some people like to be horrified on Beer-o-ween, such as by watching Must Stank Sally and The Virginator go ass-to-ass, Requiem For a Dream-style. 
12. The Beer-o-ween circle tradition has been likened to cult rituals.  Although the true origin of this practice is unknown, You May Go certainly supported this comparison when he said, “This is our cult.  Go get him!” as a stranger accidently wandered into the festivities.
13. Beer-o-ween celebrations transition smoothly into Scary Shots celebrations, so keep the party going in costume in Manayunk tomorrow!

 
[1] Citation needed.

In mid-October, there were two separate yet equally important events.

On October 19th, 2017, our hares Judge Doody and Prudest Priest galivanted through Kensington, dropping suspicious white powders for us to follow with doodyful noses to hashy nirvana.

On October 20th, 2017, 60k9 suffered through a 2 hour morning conference call with off-brand Post-It notes and a very sniff-able marker.
​
These are their stories.

Our favorite suspiciously inexpensive bar!

Our favorite suspiciously well-medicated section of the city!

"Their modified Nissan is so cool that they can't even hear us mocking them!"

Baaa, clad in dad socks, and Not 2 Sharpie, donned in boring socks, had a slap fight. They did not look cool.

"I had a vasectomy, not crabs!"

All the best burgers paired with all the worst Whals.

Sex Toys stretched the pussy in the window.

Goose played a superhero mobile game at the BN. This is why you shouldn't quit drinking, kids.

Loco Pez ​did not have $1 tacos. Try not to panic, TTH3ers.

​BFM #711 - Don't get dead!
Where: The Bayou Bar and Grill, Manayunk
When: Thursday, October 5th, 2017, 7:30p HST

Who hared?  Señor Ballz and You May Go

Who attended?

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to the...7-11!  Please excuse the mess of flour and chalk all over the, well, everything.  A bunch of my asshole friends who call themselves some kind of running club caked the place in it for some reason.  Yeah, that's them in the corner there forming some kind of circle.  What's that?  You want a tour of the shenanigans they wreaked through my store? Uhh, sure, fuck it.  I'm not even supposed to be here today.

*comes across Baaa! Ram Him and Shop n' Fuck listening to Condom Fuck Sister talk about a Soldier of his who refuses to change his uniform*
Condom: Yeah, so we don't know what to do with him.
Baaa!: You should take him outside and just hose him down.
Shop: Or just FUCK HIM IN THE ASS!
Baaa!: ...there are two types of people.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's move on.  I think I should mention now that the opinions held by those you'll meet in this store in no way reflect those of 7-11 or Seven & I Holdings Co., our parent company.  Oh hey, there's 60k9! Is that a Push Pop in his hand?

60k9: No, man, it's my no-mess chalk holder.  But I'm having trouble getting it up.  Let me borrow your pen.  *shoves it through the hole*
Baaa!: Reminds me of the 2 Kids 1 Sandbox video.  (Editor's note;  NEVER watch that video.)

Who's this cool guy by the magazine stand standing ovr that flour X on the ground?  Oh, it's Post Traumatic Goose Disorder reading a special edition about the works of M.C. Escher or, as he calls it, a Map of the Hills of Manayunk.

Oh, you've found one of our promotion racks.  60k9, could you move over a bit so we can take a look?

60k9: But look at all these excellent impromptu promos for Mayor's Cup!  Onesies!  Hammocks!  Free beer samples!

No, no, you half-mind.  The Mayor's Cup promos would be three aisles over but they ended two months ago.  These promos are for the Philly Marathon Beer Check.  

60k9: Yeah, but you know what they say about those free beer samples?  *sings* A pintful of lager helps the lesbians go down...

....Right.  Hey, how'd that mountain goat get in the store?  Oh, wait, that's just Silence of the Goats.  You'll forgive me for the mixup, what with her seemingly unending ability to traverse all the aisles inside this store without stopping.

Goats: On One!
Condom Fuck Sister: One called straight!
Shop n' Fuck: (jokingly) Isn't that homophobic?
Baaa!:  Wha?  How the fuck would that work?  You do know that just because something isn't gay doesn't make it homophobic, right?

....Right.  Let's Randall away from that potential powder keg.  Ah, here's the golf section of our store.  Yes, 7-11 has a golf supply section in this metaphor.  And look!  Free shots!  Tell you what, let's share a cup so there's plenty to go around.  Holy shit, that's some funky shot.  I can feel my gums burning.  No thanks, man, you finish it.

Oh yeah, cool, right? This is our most recent endcap update: the Halloween section.  Check out the spider and dragon that the Muggle Corporation set up along our path.  They move!  And what's this little banana guy?  *presses button*  

Little Banana Guy: Form banana, form, form banana!  Peel banana, peel, peel banana!  Eat banana, eat, eat banana!  Shit banana, shit, shit banana!  GO BANANAS, GO, GO BANANAS!

Okay...gross.  Still, not a bad song and perhaps something those jerks in the back can build on.   Oh, hey, Fort Dixalot, why are you staring into the freezers?

Fort Dixalot: I'm trying to figure out how many dead bodies you could fit in here and the best way to do so.  I think I could fit 37.

In a row?! Hmm, alright.  To be clear, there have never been any corpses in our freezers...as far as I know.  And Uncle Fister, why are you looking so longingly at that imitation crab meat?

Uncle Fister: ​Well, since I have alopecia, I don't get crabs, so I figured this was the next best thing.

​Makes sense.  I just hope none of the others call you out for that.  Speaking of, where'd everyone go? Oh, upstairs to the roof. Let's follow them.  Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a lot of fucking stairs, it's almost as bad as all the hills inside the store itself.  Suck it up.  Ah, right, this is Señor Ballz's Rooftop Hangout.  What a great view of the parking lot and back alley.  Yo, what's up, Pantyphile?

Pantyphile: What's up, dude?  Oh man, you feel that wonderful 7-11 breeze? You get a nice breeze up here.  I mean, it smells like roadkill but it's still nice.

Agreed.  That is the charm of this store.  Ah, there goes Roids and Fort Dixalot​ baptizing patrons in the parking lot with beer and tossing down cans.  What are they asking down there?  Oh, yes...

Come on up!  Wait, what's that? No Muggles allowed? Oh, well, no matter, everyone's headed back down, through the store, past the Squishees..., err, Slurm..., ehh, Soylent..., no, I mean Slurpee machines and out to the back alley for Circle.  Holy shit, there's a lot of beer drinking going on out here.  And accusations being lobbed left and right.  And now Just Cline/Clit is on his knees.  It's a naming!

Post Traumatic Goose Disorder: Just Cline, tell us about yourself.
Just Cline: Well, I'm a Hasher, a Crossfitter, I do Improv, and play Ultimate Frisbee.  I once rubbed my dick on a bean bag chair and took a shit on a plane or something.

Damn, Just Cline is quite the cult slut!  

Goose: What name suggestions do we have for this wanker?
Other People's Pussy: Pile High Club!
​May I Cum On Ya?: I'm Rubbin' Burgundy?
Fox in the Pound: Shits on a Plane!

Just Cline: I was also engaged for five years to a girl and we did everything but sex.

Fucking everyone: EVERYTHING BUTT SEX!!!

Yep, that's right. Henceforth and forevermore, Just Cline/Clit shall be known as Everything Butt Sex.  And, with the closing of Circle, so, too, does our tour end.  Now get the fuck out, err,