​BFM #711 - Don't get dead!
Where: The Bayou Bar and Grill, Manayunk
When: Thursday, October 5th, 2017, 7:30p HST

Who hared?  Señor Ballz and You May Go

Who attended?

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome to the...7-11!  Please excuse the mess of flour and chalk all over the, well, everything.  A bunch of my asshole friends who call themselves some kind of running club caked the place in it for some reason.  Yeah, that's them in the corner there forming some kind of circle.  What's that?  You want a tour of the shenanigans they wreaked through my store? Uhh, sure, fuck it.  I'm not even supposed to be here today.

*comes across Baaa! Ram Him and Shop n' Fuck listening to Condom Fuck Sister talk about a Soldier of his who refuses to change his uniform*
Condom: Yeah, so we don't know what to do with him.
Baaa!: You should take him outside and just hose him down.
Shop: Or just FUCK HIM IN THE ASS!
Baaa!: ...there are two types of people.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's move on.  I think I should mention now that the opinions held by those you'll meet in this store in no way reflect those of 7-11 or Seven & I Holdings Co., our parent company.  Oh hey, there's 60k9! Is that a Push Pop in his hand?

60k9: No, man, it's my no-mess chalk holder.  But I'm having trouble getting it up.  Let me borrow your pen.  *shoves it through the hole*
Baaa!: Reminds me of the 2 Kids 1 Sandbox video.  (Editor's note;  NEVER watch that video.)

Who's this cool guy by the magazine stand standing ovr that flour X on the ground?  Oh, it's Post Traumatic Goose Disorder reading a special edition about the works of M.C. Escher or, as he calls it, a Map of the Hills of Manayunk.

Oh, you've found one of our promotion racks.  60k9, could you move over a bit so we can take a look?

60k9: But look at all these excellent impromptu promos for Mayor's Cup!  Onesies!  Hammocks!  Free beer samples!

No, no, you half-mind.  The Mayor's Cup promos would be three aisles over but they ended two months ago.  These promos are for the Philly Marathon Beer Check.  

60k9: Yeah, but you know what they say about those free beer samples?  *sings* A pintful of lager helps the lesbians go down...

....Right.  Hey, how'd that mountain goat get in the store?  Oh, wait, that's just Silence of the Goats.  You'll forgive me for the mixup, what with her seemingly unending ability to traverse all the aisles inside this store without stopping.

Goats: On One!
Condom Fuck Sister: One called straight!
Shop n' Fuck: (jokingly) Isn't that homophobic?
Baaa!:  Wha?  How the fuck would that work?  You do know that just because something isn't gay doesn't make it homophobic, right?

....Right.  Let's Randall away from that potential powder keg.  Ah, here's the golf section of our store.  Yes, 7-11 has a golf supply section in this metaphor.  And look!  Free shots!  Tell you what, let's share a cup so there's plenty to go around.  Holy shit, that's some funky shot.  I can feel my gums burning.  No thanks, man, you finish it.

Oh yeah, cool, right? This is our most recent endcap update: the Halloween section.  Check out the spider and dragon that the Muggle Corporation set up along our path.  They move!  And what's this little banana guy?  *presses button*  

Little Banana Guy: Form banana, form, form banana!  Peel banana, peel, peel banana!  Eat banana, eat, eat banana!  Shit banana, shit, shit banana!  GO BANANAS, GO, GO BANANAS!

Okay...gross.  Still, not a bad song and perhaps something those jerks in the back can build on.   Oh, hey, Fort Dixalot, why are you staring into the freezers?

Fort Dixalot: I'm trying to figure out how many dead bodies you could fit in here and the best way to do so.  I think I could fit 37.

In a row?! Hmm, alright.  To be clear, there have never been any corpses in our freezers...as far as I know.  And Uncle Fister, why are you looking so longingly at that imitation crab meat?

Uncle Fister: ​Well, since I have alopecia, I don't get crabs, so I figured this was the next best thing.

​Makes sense.  I just hope none of the others call you out for that.  Speaking of, where'd everyone go? Oh, upstairs to the roof. Let's follow them.  Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a lot of fucking stairs, it's almost as bad as all the hills inside the store itself.  Suck it up.  Ah, right, this is Señor Ballz's Rooftop Hangout.  What a great view of the parking lot and back alley.  Yo, what's up, Pantyphile?

Pantyphile: What's up, dude?  Oh man, you feel that wonderful 7-11 breeze? You get a nice breeze up here.  I mean, it smells like roadkill but it's still nice.

Agreed.  That is the charm of this store.  Ah, there goes Roids and Fort Dixalot​ baptizing patrons in the parking lot with beer and tossing down cans.  What are they asking down there?  Oh, yes...

Come on up!  Wait, what's that? No Muggles allowed? Oh, well, no matter, everyone's headed back down, through the store, past the Squishees..., err, Slurm..., ehh, Soylent..., no, I mean Slurpee machines and out to the back alley for Circle.  Holy shit, there's a lot of beer drinking going on out here.  And accusations being lobbed left and right.  And now Just Cline/Clit is on his knees.  It's a naming!

Post Traumatic Goose Disorder: Just Cline, tell us about yourself.
Just Cline: Well, I'm a Hasher, a Crossfitter, I do Improv, and play Ultimate Frisbee.  I once rubbed my dick on a bean bag chair and took a shit on a plane or something.

Damn, Just Cline is quite the cult slut!  

Goose: What name suggestions do we have for this wanker?
Other People's Pussy: Pile High Club!
​May I Cum On Ya?: I'm Rubbin' Burgundy?
Fox in the Pound: Shits on a Plane!

Just Cline: I was also engaged for five years to a girl and we did everything but sex.

Fucking everyone: EVERYTHING BUTT SEX!!!

Yep, that's right. Henceforth and forevermore, Just Cline/Clit shall be known as Everything Butt Sex.  And, with the closing of Circle, so, too, does our tour end.  Now get the fuck out, err,

And there was Sex Toys for Tots after listening to the crowd, decided and decreed, “By the power given to me by the Ben Franklin Mob and the City of Philadelphia, I hereby name you Condom Fuck Sister.” Oh what a naming it had been, but we begin as we always do with the beginning of our night at Chalk talk.

Another perfect summer night in the city of Philadelphia to end the month of August was upon the BFM.  Mostly cloudy skies and cool temps could not have been better.  Chalk talk began with a bang as Just Gabriel made 4, yes 4 virgins come this night.  Their names were, well, who ever actually remembers virgin names.   No visitors to be had, hence Goose and Dix went through the marks so carefully laid by Tits and Just Camilla.  Quick and simple and the pack was off.

Not too long into following the shitty trail, Hamms (pronounced “Goats”), found the “J” check of the night and quickly ran to the back of the pack. There she saw Just Alex and Blinky in the back for them to enjoy the Grapefruit shandys she had found.  The pack for the most part, stayed together this night, aided by the cleverly placed Song checks along the way.  Not soon after the J check, the pack made their way to the Market Street across from their favorite bar in Drinker to find a cooler filled with a delectable drink.  The catch? You must pass it using either your boobs or your feet.  This was a pretty easy task for hashers for sure.

Once the vessel was empty, the hashers made their way towards the river.  They had been promised music in the park, but this had not come yet.  But in the distance, musical instruments could be heard in the distance at Spruce Street Harbor Park, and not too soon thereafter they were greeted by Tits and Just Camilla for the last stop of the night. Alcoholic gummy bears and gummy worms, you say?  Yes, please! And of course, there were more mixed drinks to be had.

After a nice relaxing stop, the pack made their on-in adventure back to Jon’s Bar and Grill. Not too long after arriving, a nice refreshing lite beer was awaiting for them all.  As Goose and Dix began circle, Tits without her partner in crime, down down downed for being the Hare.  Our 4 virigins took their turn. Then came the auto-hashers, and comes lately.  And as always the favorite part of the night had arrived, accusations. 

Accusations wrapped their way up, and the pack was in for a treat! It was time for the naming of Just Alex.  Plenty of stories to be had and long winded they were.  Naming suggestions started coming fast and furious:  Pumpkin Spice Notte, Quicksand Porn, Canadian Fuxedo, Stripper Crippler to name a few.  But alas, none of these would win in the end.  In what can only be described as an epic tale of dictation gone awry, Blinky and the English language had a falling out that night.  While reading the final four names, Blinky went to say “Canadian Fuxedo”, and what got perceived was “Condom Fuck Sister”.  The pack broke out into complete laughter.  Did he really say that? Apparently he just did.  That name, for better or worse, got added to the list.  The final two names were down to Pumpkin Spice Notte, and Condom Fuck Sister.  After what seemed to be a close vote of screams, it was time to decide what would become of Just Alex from this day forward.

And there was Sex Toys for Tots after listening to the crowd, decided and decreed, “By the power given to me by the Ben Franklin Mob and the City of Philadelphia, I hereby name you Condom Fuck Sister”.

-Blink 5ft2

BFM #704 - Mayor's Cup HANGOVER
Where: Grumpy's Tavern, Passyunk Square
When: Thursday, August 17th, 2017, 7:30p HST

Who hared?  Uncle Fister and Just Clit

Who attended?

[For context, please watch:]

[Cue theme music]

Voiceover: Last time on THE PHILADELPHIANS...

​[open on GRUMPY'S BAR. INTERIOR. Most of THE PACK is present, chatting amongst each other and drinking beer]

Silence of the Goats: Yuhh, Mayor's Cup was a most excellent affair.
Cummingtonite:  Uhhhh, oh yeah? I'm, like, super bummed that I couldn't make it.  I didn't know how to get there.
Goats: Weeelll, it's super easy.  You just take Reed Street to Broad, hop onto JFK, then take 76 W to Montgomery Drive.

[enter GLITORIS through the bar's front door.  THE PACK is stunned at this unexpected visitor]

Ass Ass In Nation: Glitoris? Whhhaaa....whut are you dewin' hur?
Glitoris:  Oh, hi, guys.  I'm back from St. Louis for a Ultimate Frisbee competition this weekend aaaaand figured I'd come a day early to hash.
Cause for Blindess: Buuutttt, how did you get hur?  Did you take 95 from the airport to Columbus and then turn right onto Tasker?
Glitors:  Nuh way! I took 95 to Exit 13 for 76 all the way up to Packer Avenue. Then turned right on South 10th, right onto Oregon, then all the way up 9th. So simple!
60k9: Buutt, how did ya know we'd all be hur?

[Dramatic music plays as THE PACK crowds around and stares into a Guinness wall mirror, much to the confusion of the regulars at GRUMPY'S.  Cut to title card for THE PHILADELPHIANS.  Fade in to GRUMPY'S BAR. EXTERIOR. THE PACK is assembled in a semi-circle around chalk marks opposite Fort Dixalot.]

Fort Dixalot: ...and here we have a Check mark which means trail can continue in any direction.
Just Brandon:  Whuutt?  Like, from here, it could head west towards Broad?
Dixalot: Riiggghhttt, Just Brandon, or north to Washington, east to Montgomery Ave, or even south to Snyder.  Naawww, go find trail, you wankers!

[Ten minutes later on trail, Baaa! Ram Him and Goats come upon 60k9, Sex Toys for Tots, and Seamen on the Poop Deck seemingly loitering for no reason]

Baaa!: Hey! How did you bros get hur?
STFT: We took 9th south to Morris then turned right and followed trail as it winded west and turned north onto Juniper.
Goats: Soooo, why did you stop?
Seamen: Oh, it's a back check 4. [60k9, STFT, and Seamen immediately take off south]
Goats [yelling after them]: That is suh nuh cool, you guys!

​[Several minutes later and only a few blocks west, THE PACK is hopelessly lost.]

Just Gabe:  Whhh...where did trail go?  We found three marks for On-On starting at 16th Street and Tasker Avenue but nothing since!
Wally the One-Eyed Wonder: What's this big blotch of flour?  Maybe that's something.
Roller Girl:  But what could it mean?

[More dramatic music as Just Gabe, Wally, and Roller Girl gather and face into the reflection of an unlit corner store window.  The concerned cashier inside warily reaches for the phone just as a distant whistle is heard and THE PACK takes off in the direction from whence they just came.  Cue title card.  Fade back in.  Some turns later, THE PACK comes across a check at an intersection lit up by 5 police squad cars.  From above, a resident's window opens.]

Muggle: Heeeyyy!  Whhhuuttt'rreee yu dewin' down thur?  Whut's that white X on the ground?
Baaa!: Oh, that's nothing, just flour, lady.  It's a mark for our running club.
Muggle:  Uhhh, okay.  We'll just go back to sitting in our Patagonian bamboo lacquered lounge chairs.
Baaa!: Umm, sure. Later.

[Not four blocks west]

Dixalot:  Where'd evryone go? We took 15th Street north to Reed then turned left to arrive here at Bancroft and half the pack is gone.
Ass Ass: Is that that taco dude coming up now?
Cause: Ehhhh, uh, you mean Just Anthony?
Dixalot: Wow, Cause, no, he's not even here tonight.  That there is Just Gabe.  Uhhhh, Manual Fiesta, wha-what're yew dewin'?
Manual Fiesta {balancing in a squat over a sewer grate}: Uhh, what's it to you, Dixalot?  Look, here comes the rest of 'em.
Seamen: But where's Wally?  I'll try calling him. {Seamen calls but there's no answer}.  No answer.  Whhh-where could he be?

[Again, dramatic music as THE PACK cluster around a recently parked car's sideview mirror, jostling for position, as the car's owner, still inside, looks out in perplexed horror as he slowly re-locks his door.  Cue title card.  Fade back in at Wharton Square Playground.  THE PACK has finally reached the beer check.]

​Uncle Fister: Eh, ye fooks are finally here?  Whet took ye so long?
Roller Girl: Weelll, we took Reed to 20th and turned right to Wharton and found the J check but couldn't find the shots.
Just Alex: Yeahhh, Assia is right. We looked evrywhere but no luck.  It was a super bummer.
Just Clit:  Did...did you just call Roller Girl "Assia"?  Do...do you not know how to pronounce the word "Asia"?
Just Alex:  Whut?  I do too know!
Gag Reflex: But where did the J check shots go?

[Dramatic music swells up again as THE PACK and HARES crowd around facing one side of a tree as if there is a mirror there, wrestling for a sliver of its reflection.  Thankfully, the darkness from the night sky and otherwise empty park prevents any onlookers from witnessing this insanity.  THE HARES and later THE PACK head out to On-In as the title card once again fades in with the closing theme.  Roll end credits.]

Written, produced, and directed by
Baaa! Ram Him

BFM#702 GOOSE GOOSE 60K9!!!

I was originally going to type this up using my phone, however the app sucks dick (thanks Weebly), so I borrowed a computer as my laptop from 1983 updates itself. This shit show we aptly call trash has been conducted VIA text message/ instant messenger or whatever your preference is, for your viewing pleasure! 

With Love,
Where's my D?

STFT [8:02pm]: Hey!
Goats4Life [8:03pm]: Uh, what's up?
STFT [8:03pm]: Want a dix pic? 
Goats4Life [8:05pm]: Ewww NO!
Bahh: [8:06pm]: I do!
STFT [8:06pm]: nvm.
Goats4Life [8:09pm]: Anyway wats up? Just got to McGillicuddys.
STFT [8:10pm]: Did you hear who's haring?!
Bahh:...
Bahh [8:10pm]: "that dog guy and vicious pond animal!"
STFT [8:11pm]: Hey Bahh thats wat I was gona say!
Goats4Life [8:12pm]: You mean 60K9 and Goose?
STFT [8:13pm]: *sighs* yes. its going to be awsum! your gonna luv it!
DSpussy [8:14pm]: Excuse me, first of all *it's and second of all *awesome and 3rd of all *you're. You know what? Why do I even bother? 
WMD [8:16pm]: Hey guys! Late to the convo! Whose gonna be there? Any visitors??
DSpussy [8:16pm]: WMD it's WHO'S not WHOSE!
STFT [8:18pm]: Uhhh idk? I think the visitors are one minute GM from koala something? and the quick and the dad from chicago? 
WMD [8:20pm]: kool.
DSpussy [8:20pm]: *rolls eyes*. Oh WMD. Anyway I'll be there. My cat sitter was fired.
WMD [8:22pm]: You fired your cat nanny?! Why?
DSpussy [8:23pm]: First of all I didn't say "cat nanny". 
whatWhat [8:25pm]: Hey! DSP you fired your cat nanny? Damn. Any way watch out for the road kill!
DSpussy [8:25pm]: I said CAT SITTER! Road kill?
whatWhat [8:27pm]: Never mind...it's a birdie and he's not even in the road. 
STFT [8:30pm]: Hey guys lets sing "my name is Jack"!
ih8life [8:31pm]: *watches from window*
WMD [8:31pm]: Hey guys...that creep is watching us from his window as we sing...
Goats4Life [8:31pm]: ...MY NAME IS GUS NAH NAH NAH I'm INCESTUOUS... 
60k9 [8:33pm]: Better make it over the bridge b4 it closes!
SlothyS [8:35pm]: 60k9 aren't u suppose to b haring? What bridge?
G00$3 [8:36pm]: Hey everyone! We're not in Philly anymore!
WMD [8:40pm]: Where r we?
AJuSTTT [8:42pm]: Idk but WMD can i have my military note pad back? And why did you take my name tag off it???!
WMD [8:45pm]: L8ter. I put it back!
Em0kid [8:47pm]: Eww I wouldn't want that back AJuSTTT. WMD has AIDS.
DSpussy [8:47pm]: My cat has AIDS!
SlothyS [8:48pm]: Wat?
CalvinKlein [8:50pm]: Hey doods look at my shirt! *sends pic*
WMD [8:55pm]: I'm not getting it? It's not loading.
CalvinKlein  [8:56pm]: It's a bear on top of a shark! 
WMD [8:57pm] Um i'm only 24. I'm feeling triggered by this. I need to go find my safe space.
ACP [8:59pm]: Hey bitchess! Wazzzup?! I'm starving!
WMD [8:59pm]: Well we're still on trail. What if we never make it back?!
ACP [9:00pm]: I'll eat Goats4Life then. She looks tasty ;)
WMD [9:01pm]: Hmm i think id pick a fatter hasher. I wan't more meat.
JDOody [9:01pm]: Well this is awkward. 
Dix [9:05pm]: Hurry up! Circle is about to start! I'm gonna stand above you all and talk in a DJ booth!
WMD [9:07pm]: K. C u guys at circle!
STFT [9:08pm]: c ya!
Goats4Life [9:10pm]: B there soon! <333
Bahh [9:12pm]: Talk about the goats WMD missed on trail! I'll be there in 5. 
NotGaydar [9:15pm]: Hey this is ATM! Don't forget we have to give onHer, her side-side 2 nite!
Dix [9:15pm]: okie! I'll make sure to have every1 seperate into diff sides based off their genders!
3way [9:20pm]: Hey running late to the party again! Sounds good see you all soon!

BFM #701 - Elvis from Somewhereistan
Where: Cavanaugh's, University City
When: Thursday, July 27th, 2017, 7:30p HST

Who hared?  Just Elvis and Slothy Seconds

Who attended?

Where to begin with this week's Trash? Probably at the beginning.  Sadly, despite the hopes and wishes of all in attendance, we did not find ourselves back on the Ben Franklin Yacht or any boat for that matter.  Most of those in attendance did, however, have to traverse the Schuykill to arrive at Cavanaugh's U City but, in typical lazy hasher fashion, they took the Turkey Split by using planes, trains, and automobiles.  For shame.  At least they all arrived on time.  Sort of.

So much of trail felt like we were living in some kind of bizarro world:

• At Chalk Talk, our seasoned RA Fort Dixalot forgot to introduce our virgins and visitors until after all the marks were explained (I'm guessing someone reminded him before we On-Outed).  
• Immediately following that flub, almost the ENTIRE pack ran in the opposite direction of the true trail arrow laid in chalk talk for at least two blocks despite the other half-minds' protests only to learn that the arrow was in fact indicating true trail.
• Cut to three blocks later as we're hashing through UPenn's campus and a Muggle screams out, "Who are you?!" to the pack.  I and several others were stunned and almost stopped in our tracks as we're so used to being asked "What are you running for?"  I nearly replied to his jarring inquiry with "Beer!" out of habit but caught myself in time.  
• Later, I perked up at what sounded like the reappearance of the Hash Horn on trail because a) the pack and all of their orifices have missed it so and d) it would've meant that Ass Ass In Nation joined the pack.  Nay, it was not to be as it twas just a SEPTA trolley proudly declaring its...trolleyness, I guess?  
• Taco? I Barely Know Her​ cameoed at pre-lube but only to return Fort Dixalot's camera gear to him; I don't recall seeing tacos on Cavanaugh's menu so I suspect he left in search of them.  
• Lastly, Sex Toys for Tots and Silence of the Goats brought the #700 hab bags but forgot the toe tags but that's okay because it means that the fond memories of that wonderful night will carry on to #702 (but not #703, we hope).

Now, I'd like to take some time to highlight the Trash valedictorian of #701: Just Anthony.  He started off strong by making a virgin, Just Jamel, cum and just kept ramping up the acceptable hash behavior from there.  He found the SN scarily fast as if with near pre-cognitive skill considering how well hidden it was under that train station's ramp (red and blue Powerades mixed with vodka(?), which Orgie Porgie Puddin' n' Pie was all to eager to drink as she held out for a blue shot before finishing her red one).  Later, once the pack reached the BN, he expressed his joy at the boozy hydration formation on such a humid night by extolling, "It's so good when it touches my dick!"  So, for future reference, maybe don't accept a beer from him?  Lastly, his crowning achievement came back at the SN when he excitedly pointed out to all nearby not only the lady hobo by a tree taking a shit but also the two male hobos on the other side of the track apparently circle jerking each other off.

Speaking of Circle, the #701 Trash salutatorian easily goes to the Cavanaugh's ladies' restroom bathroom attendant, Mary, who initially watched our shenanigans commence from her chair inside the women's restroom through its open door (which, for the record, several of us asked her multiple times if it could be closed as it was super awkward but were denied).  Next thing we know, Mary is right next to us witnessing in mostly rapt silence but she did share that she "had a [bar] tab named after [her]' at Cavanaugh's and even offered a suggestion or two for OPPP's renaming.

That's right, OPPP was renamed because of...reasons.  After many embarrassing questions, fascinating answers, and mediocre-to-great name suggestions, all of which occurred in front of some weird, impromptu judges table of Pantyphile, Judge Doody, Blink 5'2", and Just Ryan, OPPP was reborn as On Her Cycle thanks to her propensity for treating bike paths like Vegas off-Strip Super 8 motels.

Some final notes I'm too lazy to work into this annal:

• 60k9, Just Heidi, and me sussing out the mechanics of an Unsullied circle jerk session on "Game of Thrones" (they're all castrated warriors if you didn't know) and deciding that it would likely just be a game of sensual Ro-Sham-Bo.
• At BN, Just Elvis and Slothy Seconds were about to On-Out but up walks Where's Mi d?​ to ask, "Oooooh, are you the hares? What's this you have here?" and immediately jams her hand in the flour bag.  She was disgusted when it came out covered in flour. I guess she thought it was ice?
• While we're on Just Elvis, he arrived in the basement of Cavanaugh's for Circle with a single hot wing in his mouth.  When asked where he got it, he replied, "You don't want to know what I did to earn this."
  
• Other mystery food at Circle included a chicken salad delivered by the bar staff to apparently no one as it sat on a table for awhile before Blink 5' 2" exclaimed that someone needs to "toss that salad!"
  
• Going back to Where's Mi d?, can anyone explain what that hippopotamus shit Just Cline and her were talking about means?  Something about sexualizing hippos, I think? Which did lead to a great retort by Post Traumatic Goose Disorder: "You just described my college."
  

And with that, may the Hash go in peace!  (May the Hash get a piece!)
On-On!
​-Baaa! Ram Him